


I Hate My Sister

by DOG_FOOD_CEREAL



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Banter, Bonding over trauma, Coming Out, Emotional Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fighting, Fluff, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Hate Fuck, Heavy profanity, Incest, Original Characters - Freeform, Porn with Feelings, Rough Sex, Sibling Incest, Slow Burn, Smut, Strap-Ons, Themes of suicide/self harm, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Licking, blood warning, like so much swearing, misguided attachments, parental neglect, sister/sister, vomit warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 49,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27364900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DOG_FOOD_CEREAL/pseuds/DOG_FOOD_CEREAL
Summary: The Johnson Sisters used to be close in childhood, but years of abuse have torn them apart.Now, it’s been 6 years since they’ve last spoken to each other, and Lydia Johnson is determined to repair her relationship with her sister, while Heidi Johnson just wants to move as far away from her family as possible and forget the past.What happens when you sprinkle a little misguided attachment to the mix, though? Smut. Smut happens.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	1. Kristen is a Spiteful Dick

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings! Thanks so much for choosing this story to read!
> 
> If you’ve got a fucked up little brain like me, I think you’ll really like an enemies to lovers story about angsty sisters fucking each other’s brains out.
> 
> Enjoy! <3

**Heidi**

_ I hate my sister._

It’s a thought that has been eating at my mind these days. My feet ache and my hands feel numb. It’s cold. It’s way too cold.

_ I hate my sister. _

There are trees all around me. The snow crunches under my feet. Fuck, it hurts. It hurts so much. I can’t feel my toes anymore.

_ I hate my sister. _

How long have I been walking? 30 minutes? An hour? Who fucking cares? I just needed to get the fuck out of there, away from  her. 

_ I hate my sister. _

I can hear a voice. It’s in my head, but it’s not mine. _Heidi_ , it says, _Heidi, come back_ , but I’m not listening. I won’t fucking listen.

_ I hate my sister. _

I reach a clearing in the woods. There, I see it. The treasure I’ve been heading towards. I’ve finally reached it.

I hate my sister. I fucking hate my sister. I do.

Her voice makes my stomach churn in a way that threatens to expel my lunch, and the sight of her face elicits a feeling similar to what you might experience if you were to wake up with a small frog on your lips. Her touch, I don’t even want to think about. If she touched me, I’d fucking throw up. 

I can only describe that bitch as disgusting. She fucking disgusts me. She disgusts me so, so much. I hate her with every fibre of my being.

But, _this_?

I walk to stand in front of the treasure: a little, worn cubby-house in the woods where my sister and I used to play. It has sustained water damage and smells like rot but God, I love it. I love it so much. 

I walk inside, sheltered from the falling snow. I’m a bit too big for it now, but I manage to squeeze in, just barely avoiding grazing my head harshly against the splintered ceiling.

I find as comfortable a position I can manage. I fall asleep.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I wake up to my phone ringing. It’s my father. I answer.

“Heidi, where are you?” My fathers voice demands. I swallow dryly, cringing at the taste of my own saliva. I sit up groggily from my nap.

“I... I just needed to get out of the house,” I reply sheepishly, wiping my eyes.

“God damn it, Heidi. When are you coming home? You left your sister home alone without letting her know.” My heart skips a beat at the mention of my sister. I try to steady my breathing, but I can’t contain the scowl that forms on my face. I furrow my brow.

“She’s 17, she can be home alone, Dad,” I retort. I hear my father’s crackly sigh. “I’m coming back now.”

“Okay, hurry up.” My father hangs up the phone, and I groan. I don’t want to go home. Not when she’s there. It was so unbearable being home alone with her. And then she tried to talk to me. _Again_. When will she fucking learn that I don’t want to talk to her? I force myself to get up and dust myself off.

At least everyone’s home now. I can tune out her existence with the sound of my family’s clatter.

I exit the cubby-house with some difficulty and look up at the sky. It’s a beautiful night. God, I don’t want to go home. _Damn it_. I start to walk.

I reach the house and open the door. My eyes go to everyone in the living room, carefully searching for the one person I don’t want to see.

“Oh, you’re home,” my father says.

“Yep,” I reply.

My father is seated at the couch watching some shitty sitcom on TV, and my mother is at the dining room table drinking coffee. So far, so good.

I hear rustling in the kitchen and try to look inconspicuous as I get near, pretending to look for food in the fridge. I look through the gap in the fridge door. I make out blue jeans and a yellow shirt, but I can’t see any hair. _Damn it_.

I take a risk and pretend to walk towards the pantry for a better look. 

Oh, thank God. 

Black hair. It’s just Samuel.

“What are you up to, dickhole?” I ask him, searching for food in earnest now.

“Are you blind? I’m making a sandwich, clithead,” He retorts without missing a beat. “Where have you been, anyway?” 

“None of your business, rat.” I look over his shoulder and pick a corner off his sandwich before he can stop me, popping it in my mouth. I cringe at the taste. “You make the worst sandwiches, I swear to God. What even is this?” I ask, curiously tasting the strange combination of sweet and sour in my tongue.

“It’s banana and vinegar, stupid.” _Fucking sick_. I spit it out into the bin. “Maybe if you didn’t always eat my god damn food you wouldn’t be in this predicament right now, you pig.” He grinned evilly, revealing a second sandwich that he had hidden. I visibly gasp.

“You didn’t!” I yell.

“I did,” He smirked, taking a bite out of his ham sandwich. The little bastard. I swiftly grab it out of his hands. He makes a noise of surprise and tries to wrestle his sandwich back. With him being 15 now, I forget that he’s becoming stronger than me as he almost succeeds in taking it back, but I come out victorious, taking the sandwich and speed-walking to my room.

“Asshole!” I hear him shout as I make my way down the hall. Damn, it’s good to be the eldest sometimes.

Then I hear the bathroom door open and my smile fades. I’m forced to come face to face with _her_ as she exits the bathroom.

Lydia, my sister.

Just saying her name makes me feel bile in my throat. I glare at her chest without thinking. It’s become a habit now. Always scowl when you see her, but never look in her eyes.

Time seems to slow down as I can feel her eyes taking me in. I must look awful, with wood chips in my hair, damp clothes, smelling of rot, sandwich in my hand. 

As I continue to wish hell upon her collar bones, I notice the ends of her brown strands are damp. She’s just gotten out of the shower, I realise. She’s only wearing a towel. 

I can’t move. I don’t know what to do. When she looks at me, it’s as if I’m paralysed. That damn bitch doesn’t even realise the power she has over me.

I raise my eyes to look at her chin, and I can see in my peripheral vision that she is staring at me blankly. Maybe in confusion? She’s not moving either. Why isn’t she moving?

Then I notice where I am. I’m standing in the middle of the hallway. She can’t get past me to her room without us bumping shoulders, which is something neither of us want. The thought makes my stomach flip. Realising what I must do, I turn around with an audible huff and enter my room, locking the door, not caring to hear whether or not she started walking after I left.

She makes life so fucking difficult.

I complain about this to my boyfriend Kristen at school the next day.

“She’s just such a fucking bother, dude. She grosses me out. I honestly wouldn’t care if she was dead. I know it’s horrible, but it’s true. I don’t fucking want her around anymore.” I can say whatever I want. I know he’s not listening.

“Yeah,” He says absentmindedly, confirming my thoughts. Fucking asshole. He taps away at his phone while I continue to rant as he occasionally lets out little “uh-huh”’s and “totally”’s. He’s such a fucking dick. I don’t even like him.

“Babe, can we talk about something else?” He asks. “I’m honestly kind of bored of the same topic over and over again.” I roll my eyes. 

I don’t care if he’s a dick to me, because he has no control. I don’t care about him one bit. He’s only with me for sex, and I’m only with him to keep people from knowing I’m a fucking dyke.

“Okay, what do you wanna talk about?” I sigh.

“You know that big Halloween party they’re gonna throw for us tonight?” Kristen asks.

“The senior Halloween party? What about it?”

“Guess who’s gonna DJ all night long?” Kristen smiles wide, and I almost smile back.

“You are? That’s so good!” I lie. I don’t really give a shit.

“I know. I’ll get to play whatever songs I want,” He proudly states.

“Good for you, babe,” I reply unenthusiastically. He seems to frown at my lack of excitement, and I almost feel bad. Almost.

Look, I know I’m being a bitch, but we both know why we’re in this relationship. If he wants emotional support, he can go find himself a girl that actually loves him. 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I go home and I get ready for the party. I make sure to wear something casual so that I can ditch it later and just roam the streets without looking like a prostitute. I made that mistake once.

I’m just about to leave the house when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I tense, afraid to turn around and see who it is.

“Wait, Heidi.” My mother’s voice. I’d relax, but it’s not like this is any better than if it were my sister. I bite my lip and tentatively turn around, making sure not to look in her eyes. After some trial, I end up focusing on a vase of flowers behind her.

“What?” I ask, failing to hide the tremble in my voice. What does she fucking want now?

“I’ve been talking with the therapist,” I begin to scowl at her words, “and he says that he thinks you girls need to spend some more time together.” Fuck. My body shoots with fear at her insinuation. I don’t respond. “Don’t give me that face,” she finally says.

“I’m not taking her with me. It’s only for 12th graders anyway,” I mumble, bracing myself. I can feel her energy darken as I watch her tense up in my peripheral vision.

“You can’t be serious? You’re joking, right? Are you joking?” She isn’t asking. I don’t respond. “Well? Are you fucking joking? That’s your sister. She’s your own flesh and blood and you treat her like she’s the plague. You’re a fucking psycho, you know that? You’re psychotic. How can you treat your own sister like that?” I remain quiet, but my heart is beating so hard that I fear she can hear it. “I pay for your therapy. I spend good money on your therapy that I could be using on buying your poor brother clothes and groceries, but I decide to spend it on you, and this is how you treat me? Why are you such an ungrateful bitch? Huh?” She’s screaming now. I always marvelled at how she’s able to talk herself into a frenzy. I try to keep my breathing even and my face neutral. “Your sister is going to kill herself and it’s all going to be your fault. Stupid girl. Just take your fucking sister to the thing and stop being such a brat. You’re evil. You’re a wretched thing. You make my life so fucking difficult.” Tears spring to my eyes and threaten to spill when I hear my own words deflected onto me. I quickly blink them away.

“Okay,” I murmur.

“So, you’re taking her?” She asks.

“Yes.”

“Okay, wait here. I’m gonna tell her to get ready.” _Fuck you_ , I think as I watch her leave. _I hate you_ , I scream in my head for the thousandth time, but I never dare let those words escape my lips. _It shouldn’t be like this_ , I cry without tears. I take a seat.

A few moments later, I hear my sister walking down the hall, and my breathing hitches. I look to my feet.

“Okay, she’s ready,” my mother tells me. I get up, not looking in their direction.

“Okay,” I say, finally heading to the door. I hear small, awkward footsteps following me. I feel queasy. I open the door, almost closing it before I realise that it’d be weird, so I leave the door open for her as I walk towards the school.

The walk to school is awkward and sickening. No words are exchanged. The only thing that can be heard are the sounds of our footsteps, as I hear her desperately trying not to sync the rhythm of our steps. I almost laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

Instead, I try to focus on the cool night air gently caressing my neck. I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. I’ll leave the party early. I was already planning on doing that anyway.

I hear the sound of music as we get closer.

I begin to feel relieved as the sounds of laughter and chatter fill the awkward silence. I open the door of the auditorium once we reach it and am immediately hit with a comforting wave of warm air. I notice all the chairs have been removed and everyone is standing around socialising and eating while Kristen DJ’s on the stage.

This time I don’t bother keeping the door open as I quickly make my way into the crowd in an attempt to shake her. I search through the heads of people, looking for my friends. When I see the tufts of their hair, I make my way over.

“Heidi!” Isla greets me, giving me a hug.

“Hi, guys,” I smile. I take in their outfits, noticing that they all actually decided to dress up. Isla is wearing a cat costume that carefully treads the line between sexy and school-friendly, while Courtney and Kylie went down the silly route, both dressed as Thing #1 and Thing #2. “Wow, you actually dressed up? I feel under-dressed now.”

“Don’t lie,” Courtney laughs, “You’re gonna ditch this party for McDonald’s. I think she’s gonna stay here 20 minutes max.” I shrug sheepishly at her teasing.

“20 minutes is way too long. Watch her leave as soon as the song changes.” Isla adds.

“Oh, come on, I don’t leave that-“

“Heidi, who’s this?” Kylie cuts me off. I cock my eyebrow in confusion, and I turn to look at the person she’s looking at. My eyes meet a piercing blue. Shit. My sister. That bitch followed me?

Fear pangs through my body and I’m wracked with an intense nausea. I cringe, quickly lowering my eyes in reflex before realising I can just turn back around.

“I don’t know,” I respond too quickly. “Let’s go say hi to the DJ.” My friends exchange confused glances, but go along with my idea. I pray that my sister gets the hint and leaves us alone.

Over the years, we’ve developed an ability to understand each other’s social cues, being able to read between the lines to understand what we want from the other person. While this is an ability usually reserved for long time friends, for my sister and I, this is an ability that has been developed out of necessity, since neither one of us can bare to talk to each other, me even less so.

Usually, she listens. She backs off. But sometimes she gets into a weird clingy mood where she pretends to be oblivious so she has an excuse to be near me. I wish she didn’t fucking do that. I wish she hated me too. I can only pray that she’s listening now.

We reach the stage and the four of us lean our bodies against the side, looking up at Kristen. _Just the four of us?_

I pretend to look around at the party as I search for my sister. I can’t see her. Good. I turn my attention back to Kristen. The music is blaring from our position, and any sounds we make will be drowned out. We wait until he notices us, and when he does, he gives us an excited nod of acknowledgement. I watch him fiddle with some things on his DJ table, before hopping down from the stage and motioning for us to come with him somewhere quieter.

We enter a storage room behind the stage, and my ears immediately feel relieved when he closes the door, freeing us from the noise but not saving us from the rumble of the bass.

“Heidi, I didn’t see you come in!” Kristen grins, and I chuckle awkwardly. “How long have you been here?”

“I only just got here,” I responded with a shrug.

“So we’ve still got, like, 20 minutes ‘till you leave, huh?” He teases. I roll my eyes when I hear Courtney laughing.

“Dude, can you blame me? Maybe if the school knew how to throw an actual party I’d stick around.” I joke, crossing my arms.

“My sick DJ-ing skills aren’t enough for you to stick around?” Kristen utters in an almost sultry tone as he wraps his arms around me.

“Definitely not,” I deadpan. I feel his grip tighten and I notice his expression is suddenly very focused.

“Well,” he finally speaks up, “you’d better stick around a bit, because I’ve prepared a very special surprise for you.”

It sounds like a sweet gesture, but something in the tone of his voice sends a shiver down my spine. Nobody else seems to catch it.

“Aw,” Kylie sighs, “isn’t that so cute? I wish my boyfriend would do that stuff for me. The most he’s ever done for me is text me happy birthday that one time.”

“Really?” Isla asks with a concerned expression. “Is that normal?”

“Kylie, for the last time, just break up with him.” Courtney rolls her eyes, and Kylie sticks her tongue out at her.

“I should be heading back,” Kristen says, unwrapping me, “but enjoy the party.” He leaves.

“We should be getting back, too,” Isla states.

I agree. Something in the air is disturbing me.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

We head back and do our usual rounds, tasting everything on the table at least once, drinking one cup of everything, doing stupid internet dances for a laugh while people record. I decide to stick around a little longer, at least until after Kristen announces his special surprise. It’s the decent thing to do. I briefly wonder where my sister is, but I decide I don’t care.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity of doing the same activities, Kristen is seen turning down the music and holding a microphone.

“Attention, attention, everyone!” He booms. The entire auditorium turns to look at him, most even walking towards the centre of the room in anticipation. “Thank you, I’d first like to say what an honour it’s been to DJ for you at our last Halloween party as high schoolers.”

A round of applause.

“As I look around at the faces of people I’ve known all my life, I realise that this point in our lives is coming to an end. Soon some of us will be leaving this town, and right now, some of you are interacting with each other for the last time in your entire lives. Think about that.”

I gather my friends and we all head to the centre as Kristen continues his speech like it’s graduation day. I can see some people are getting bored.

“There are going to be many memories of this place you’re going to remember, but there are also going to be so, so many memories that you are going to forget. I know for many of you this isn’t your first school Halloween party, and for some of you this isn’t your first 12th grade Halloween party either, eh?” This elicits a polite laugh from the crowd.

“It’s because of this that I want to make this night unforgettable, and what better way to ingrain a night into somebody’s mind than with... public humiliation!” The crowd goes wild, anticipating what Kristen is going to do next. My stomach drops. What is he planning? Is this the surprise he had set up for me?

“Now, I’ve already chosen a victim.” He scans the crowd until he meets my eyes. “My girlfriend Heidi. Come on up here, babe!” The crowd hoots and laughs as I tentatively make my way to the stage. Jesus Christ. What is he fucking planning? There’s a sinister glint in his eyes when he gives me his hand to hoist me up on the stage. I swallow hard.

He puts the microphone in my face.

“Go on, say hi, babe.”

“Uh,” I lean in, “hi?” The crowd chuckles. I’m concerned. He takes the mic back.

“Dude, what are you planning?” He ignores me.

“Now if you look here, you’ll see I have in my hand my phone. Inside my phone contains contents that a certain little miss here doesn’t want anyone to know.”

Fear strikes my chest. What the fuck? I give him a threatening look. What is he going to show? Nudes? No, no, he’s not low enough for that? What? A video of me sleep talking? Jesus.

“It’s not anything bad, is it?” I ask, but I’m ignored again. Well, partially, because his smirk deepens at my question.

He shakes the phone to the crowd as they lose it in excitement. I look at their jittery faces illuminated by the colourful lights of the auditorium. I see acquaintances losing their minds. I see teachers motioning for Kristen to cut the segment. I see my friends with a look between concern and curiosity.

Then I see my sister.

Fuck. She’s still here. She’s going to see whatever he shows them. She’s going to tell our parents. She’s going to tell our mother. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I watch helplessly as Kristen plugs the phone into his setup. I debate whether or not grabbing the phone and running is too disproportionate of a response. His phone screen isn’t projected. Good, so it’s not a photo. So what could it be then? Audio? Audio of what? Then it hit me.

This morning, when I was ranting to him about my sister. He was ignoring me on his phone, or so I thought. I’d done it so many times, ranting about how shitty she made me feel, each time increasing in the cruelty of my remarks. He probably expected me to rant this morning and began recording. But why? Why would he want to expose me like that?

I freeze when I hear my own voice echoing throughout the auditorium. My stomach drops in dread. The crowd is silenced. All that can be heard is me,

“My sister makes my life so difficult.” Why.

“She’s just such a fucking bother, dude. She grosses me out.” Why?

“I honestly wouldn’t care if she was dead. I know it’s horrible, but it’s true.” _Why?_

“I don’t fucking want her around anymore.” Fucking _why?_

My body rejects the very idea, but I force myself to look at my sister. I see her in the audience. Nobody knows that this girl is the subject of the recording, but I do. I see her hands gripping the hem of her dress, and I notice that it’s spider-themed. She dressed up? I swallow the lump of bricks in my throat and look up at her face. It’s contorted into a look of utter betrayal. If she didn’t hate me before, she sure as hell does now. Even from where I am, I can tell that the tears that fall endlessly from her face are huge. She is trembling. Or maybe that’s me.

I watch her meet my gaze, and for the first time in years, we intentionally look into each other’s eyes, trying to understand, trying so hard to understand. I see her shut her eyes tight as she turns to leave. She walks slowly, as if going any faster would cause her to faint.

I feel a pang of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. What is she going to do? Is she going to hurt herself? I should follow her. I try, but my body won’t move. She’s paralysed me again. God damn it, move! What will my mother think when she comes home with cuts on her thighs again? What will she do to me? I can’t move.

Then the thought hits me.

Oh fuck. What if she kills herself?

When she’s past the door and out of sight, I fail to keep it together anymore. Between the pure fear coursing through my body and the pure disgust gazing into her eyes made me feel, my contracting stomach finally gives way and I puke up everything that I’d sampled from the table. I hear the crowd groan in disgust, some of them laughing and cheering. I look up at Kristen, trying to ask him why, why he did that? But I can’t, because my body decides that hurling once wasn’t enough. I hear the music start playing again, and before I can resist, many hands are helping me to my feet and taking me backstage.

“Holy shit, Heidi, are you okay?” Kylie asks, rubbing my back as the three girls crowd around me. She guides me to sit down on a red couch.

“No, she’s not fucking okay! Courtney, go get a bucket. Kylie, go grab a sprite.” Isla sends the two girls on their way, and she sits next to me, rubbing my back as Kylie did before. “You’re gonna be okay, Heidi. Are you sick? You’re shaking.”

I shake my head violently. Yes, I’m trembling, but I’m not trembling with fever. I’m trembling because my entire body is wracked with this strange, vivid combination of fear and disgust. Fear and disgust. What is this so familiar feeling? I want it to stop.

“M-My sister,” I stammer breathlessly, “someone needs to, to check up on her.”

“What?” Isla asks. Courtney and Kylie return with the bucket and sprite. I can’t say anything more. My brain won’t let me speak. I’m quivering and my heartbeat hurts. I’m shaking so much, but I’m not crying, even though it feels like I am.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

My friends drive me home, and my mother looks at my vomit-stained jacket and asks me what’s wrong. I beg my friends to come up with a cover story about smuggled alcohol and me being a lightweight. My mother glares at me, but she won’t give me a mouthful of shit in front of my friends, and instead thanks my friends for bringing me home, changes my shirt, and lets me sleep off the ‘alcohol’. Maybe sleep will do me good. I’m exhausted.

I wake up at 7AM to frantic murmuring in the living room. I notice my shirt has changed, but I can still feel the crusty remains on my chest. I want to shower, but I need to know what’s going on.

As I get up, thoughts of what happened last night overwhelmingly re-enter my head all at once, and I feel bile rising in my throat again.

I begin to make a mental list.

  1. Go check what’s going on in the living room
  2. Check on the status of my sister
  3. Shower
  4. Tell my friends I’m okay
  5. Confront that dickheaded asshole prick-face



I feel calmer making the list and organising my thoughts as I leave my room.

I enter the living room and see my mother making calls while my father interrogates Samuel, ever punctual and prepared in his school uniform, about information on... on my sister.

“She didn’t tell you she was going anywhere else?” My father asks.

“No, Dad. For the last time, she didn’t say anything to me. All I heard was Mom asking her if she’d like to go to that party with Heidi.” Samuel says, exasperated. “Ask her when she wakes up. She knows more than me. She was with her last, after all.”

I see my mother get off the phone with a loud sigh, rubbing her temple.

“Amanda’s mom hasn’t heard anything about her either,” she groans, anxiety evident in her voice.

“Should we call the police?” My father asks.

“What’s going on?” I speak up, cringing at the raspiness of my voice.

They all stare at me, as if they were debating whether or not to ask me for information or to yell at me. I don’t blame them. My mother decides to speak.

“Your sister didn’t come home last night.” The words hit me with a wave of anxiety. “Do you have any idea where she might be?”

“I,” I begin, unsure how to tell her how I may have driven her to suicide, “I don’t know.”

“Of course you don’t fucking know,” my mother yells, “because you decided getting fucking hammered was more important than your sister’s safety! Go take a shower or something. You’re fucking useless.” I bite back tears as I head towards the bathroom.

“I don’t think she’s useless,” I hear Samuel grumble.

“Shut up, Samuel,” my mother responds.

I close the door and turn the shower on. I get a leg in before flinching at the coldness, realising I forgot to warm up the water. I get the water to the right temperature and then hop in, only to realise I’m fully clothed. Damn it, why am I so unfocused? I grip my hair. Jesus, what kind of question is that? I know exactly why.

I get out just in time to hear the front door opening, and the sighs of relief from my family. I stand outside the bathroom in a towel, listening in.

“Oh my God, Lydia where were you?” I hear my mother’s voice ask. My sister doesn’t respond. Like me, she knows this isn’t a question.

“Bro, you look like shit. What happened?” Samuel asks, interrupting my mother before she can go off.

“I’ll tell you later,” I hear my sister grumble. A feeling of panic sets in as I hear her quickly walking down the hall. I freeze seeing the corner of her hair. Then she also freezes when she see’s me. She really does look like shit, from what I could tell from my millisecond glance before looking down at my feet. Her hair is frizzed and her shoes are missing. I can feel her staring at me. I hate it.

“Don’t you walk away!” I hear my mother’s voice booming down the hall as she stomps towards her. “You think the world revolves around you, huh? You’re the star of the show? You can’t just do whatever you want, going on a little night stroll without telling anybody! You ungrateful bitch!”

My sister pries her gaze and quickly walks away before my mother can catch up to her. I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. She locks the door to her room before my mother can get in. I see my mother tense up, her aura becoming increasingly dark. She feels offended by the gesture. She has the entitlement of a cat who’s owner has closed the bathroom door. I see her getting ready to unleash her fury at the disrespectful gesture when she locks eyes with me.

“The hell are you looking at?” She snaps, and my heart pounds.

“Nothing,” I say, going to my room.

“Yeah?” She taunts, trying to rile me up, but I won’t be fighting with her today. I go to my room and make the wise decision to withhold from locking my door. I change quickly to the background noise of my mother chewing my sister’s guts out.

I hover my hand in front of the door knob, unsure if it’s the right decision to go outside right now, but I’m hungry. I decide my mother is too busy screaming her head off to notice me, so I take a chance.

“God, you make my life so fucking difficult. You and your sister.” I freeze. “Open this god damn door right now! Right now, I said!”

I take in a shuddery breath. I need to say something.

“Open this door right now or I’m going to get the keys and I’m going to go right in there and yank your scalp!” She continues. I sigh, resigned to my fate.

“Mom, maybe you shouldn’t say those things,” I mumble quietly. She whips her head around at me and stares at me with wild eyes, challenging me.

“What did you say?” She asks, daring me to continue.

I take a shaky breath and meet her eyes.

“I said, you shouldn’t be saying those things,” I brace myself. Nothing. I continue, “things like ‘you make my life so difficult.’ You shouldn’t be saying them to your children.”

My mother squints at me.

“Why not? Because it hurts your feelings? Maybe if I actually had good children I wouldn’t have to say these things.” She walks towards me, her voice disturbingly sweet. “You brought this on yourself.”

I’ll never understand her logic.

“Mom, we didn’t fucking raise ourselves. The way we turned out is a result of your parenting, and if you wanna argue that no, we were just born ‘evil’, then I’ll have you know I didn’t make these god damn genetics myself,” I say, getting braver. My mother looks taken aback by my boldness.

“You think you know so fucking much? Try living a day in my shoes, bitch. You’ll see how hard it is to raise three ungrateful sons of bitches,” I try not to laugh at my mother insulting herself, “you’ll see how much I sacrifice for you every day, and how I get an alcoholic, a shut in, and a defiant piece of shit in return.” She glares at me. I glare at her. I notice my father and Samuel are at the end of the hall, watching the whole thing.

I hear a noise and look over my mother’s shoulder to see the door creaking open slowly. My mother turns around, too, and suddenly she’s face to face with my sister.

“Fucking finally, you stupid slut,” My mother began. “Next time, you’d better fucking do as I say the first time I-“

“You called yourself a bitch,” my sister quietly says.

“... What?” My mother asks, dumbfounded.

“Before. You said sons of bitches. That’s you. You’re the bitch.” My sister explains. A shocked laugh can be heard echoing down the hall, and I realise that was me. I slap my hands over my mouth. My mother looks back and forth at the two of us.

Then she just leaves. She fucking leaves. Out the front door without closing it. She doesn’t even take the car.

My father sighs, getting up and closing the door. 

“Don’t worry about her,” my father begins, “she’ll be back.”

“Unfortunately,” Samuel mutters. Everyone is silent. I open my mouth to speak, but I have nothing to say.

“Lydia, where were you?” My father asks.

“I just went for a walk and got distracted,” my sister replied. It’s a lie, but I’m not going to correct her. I go back to my room, realising I’m not needed in this conversation.

I give my friends a quick text telling them that I’m okay, but don’t want to talk about the details, then I get ready for school. I head to the door, sighing in relief at the fact that my sister isn’t here. Samuel isn’t either, I assume he went to school.

“You’re going to school?” My dad asks. “Aren’t you hung-over?”

“Uh, yeah,” I lie, “but I have a test today.”

“Okay,” He says, and I leave. I have one last thing on my list.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The entire day I get stares and whispers as I walk down the halls of my school. I endure it. I’m not here for them. I’m here to confront the man-whore who made this happen in the first place.

I don’t see him all day, and I begin to worry that he isn’t here. Then finally, in the middle of class, I see a figure roaming the halls and entering the boys bathroom.

It’s Kristen. I ask to be excused and follow him, making sure no one sees me enter the boy’s toilets.

I see him there, sitting on the grimy floor. He surely has piss on his ass. He looks up at me and visibly recoils.

“What are you doing here?” He yells.

“I’m obviously following you. I’ve been looking for you all day, asshole. What are _you_ doing here?” I say coldly, standing right in front of him. 

“I’m, uh, hiding,” he answers, “from you.”

“Of course you are, you fucking coward. What the fuck was that stunt last night? How do you pull something like that and then run away from the consequences like a little bitch? Huh?” He doesn’t respond. “Answer me, Kristen.”

“I was... I was just pissed off at you,” he says, matter-of-factly. My eyes widen. I feel rage boiling through my veins and gripping at my chest.

“You pulled that shit cause you were pissed off? You made my sister cry because you were pissed off?” I scream.

“What?” He asks. I ignore him.

“You’re such a fucking child. Instead of telling me what the problem is, you decide to humiliate me in front of the entire grade? I still don’t even know what you’re pissed off about!” I pant angrily, my breathing shaky. “Well? Aren’t you going to tell me?”

Kristen furrows his brow and looks to the side. “Why would I tell you?” He asks. “We’ve broken up.”

What.

“We- We’ve broken up?” I ask. He nods. “Oh my fucking God. There are a million better, less destructive ways to break up with someone.”

“Whatever, man,” he spits, “if you really wanna know, I was pissed off because you don’t care about me, okay? You just stopped caring after, like, the first month of our relationship.”

I blink, taken aback by this.

“What?” I ask.

“You heard me.” He stands up, meeting my eyes. “You just stopped caring about me. You say I’m the bad guy for breaking up with you in an immature way, which yeah, maybe I did, but at least I actually broke up with you. You obviously don’t even like me but you stayed anyway because you’re too much of a fucking coward to break it off!”

“You can’t be serious,” I say, more to myself as I shake my head in disbelief, “I thought you were okay with me not caring about you. I thought you were just in this for sex.”

“Really?” Kristen asks, his face contorting to that of shock and offence. “What kind of guy do you think I am? I liked you! I still do.” He looks sad as he says it. It makes my heart hurt. I didn’t know.

“I’m sorry,” I say. It’s all I can say. Kristen’s eyes water, and he lets a few tears fall before wiping them away.

“No, I’m sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me and I betrayed your trust and humiliated you in front of everyone. It was an overreaction on my part, I just... I just had it bottled up for so long that it all came out last night.” He sobs, the tears falling again. I open my arms and he gladly hugs me. I rub his back like the girls did for me last night. He begins pulling us both down, to my dismay, as I really didn’t want to sit down on the toilet floor, but I probably deserve it. I’d been toying with his feelings, after all.

We sit on the floor for a while, hugging each other while he cries and I comfort him. The bell goes, but neither of us move. We pray nobody walks in on us.

Once he stops crying, he whispers to me, “why did you stay for so long?”

I visibly tensed, and he notices, breaking the hug to look at me in confusion.

“I, uh...” I touch my cheek with my fingertips, feeling how hot they are, and look to the side. “Kristen, I’m going to entrust to you a secret I haven’t told anybody, ever.”

“Wow, you trust me with your secrets again already?” Kristen asks.

“Not one bit,” I reply, “but I feel like I owe you something. At least an explanation.”

“Okay,” Kristen says, giving me his full attention.

“Okay, um,” I fidget, then still, looking into his eyes. His pupils are blown, and I feel bad that he’s fallen for me, because... “I’m gay.”

Kristen blinks. Then laughs.

“You’re what?” He asks.

“I’m gay. I started dating you to hide it, but I-I’m fucking gay, dude,” I reiterate. He looks at me with a blank expression. “I like pussy.” He seems to understand then, his mouth forming a visible ‘o’ shape.

“So, you’re like, one of the boys?” He asks. I laugh at his confusion.

“No, I’m still a girl. I’m just a girl who likes girls, not boys.” I explain.

“Oh, okay,” he nods. “I think I get it now. So it wasn’t anything that I did?”

“No, not at all,” I assure him, “but, in hindsight, when you find yourself another girlfriend, maybe at least pretend to be interested in the things she says, alright?”

“Okay,” he breathes. I stand up and offer him my hand. He graciously takes it as I help him up.

“Um,” he begins, “I want to make it up to you. What I did. I can make a cover story. I can say the recording is a fake.” I shake my head.

“I think people were more shocked about my reaction to the audio rather than what was in it. I don’t think anybody except us understood why the content of the recording would be humiliating.” I tell him. “You can’t really cover up the fact that I chucked up on stage.”

“Oh, well, yeah,” he responds with a light chuckle. “Still, I’ll do anything you want. I feel really bad.”

“Just... just keep that secret for me, okay?” I smile. He nods.

“I promise.”

We both give one last tight hug before leaving the bathroom separately. I feel lighter after that confrontation. I expected it to end with us screaming and not being on speaking terms, but this ended better than I expected. I think we can even still be friends.

Now, if only my family life could be sorted out that easily.


	2. Old McDonald was a Lesbian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia really likes to push the boundaries of the unspoken rules between her and her sister.

** Lydia **

I don’t hate my sister.

Everything would be so much easier if I hated her as intensely as she hates me.

And I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to hate her. 

Every time she scowls at my voice when I talk. Every time she leaves the room when I enter. Every time she glares at my chest when she see’s me, not even being able to meet my eyes. Every time she hurts me, I always think, “There. Look at that. She hates your guts. You’d do good to hate her, too,” but I can’t.

I can’t, because I love her.

I love her so much it hurts. I love her so much my stomach flutters and my chest aches and my throat tightens and my head pounds. 

When we were little, we used to be so close. Close in age, close in height, close in appearance.

I often think back to those good old days. 

Playing in our cubby house. Climbing trees together. Sharing secrets. Drawing on sidewalks. Sharing meals. Taking photos together. Taking bubble baths. Going to the park. 

I even think back to what I used to think were the bad parts, that I’ve now realised are completely normal. 

Arguing. Competing with our report cards. Pulling each other’s hair. Stealing each other’s clothes. Making sure the other didn’t get more ice cream in their bowl. Fighting over toys. 

I miss both parts. I miss just having a normal relationship with her.

I’ve missed it since she turned 12.

Something changed in her at that age. She stopped being a friend, and became a bully.

She would say horrible things to me, that I was ugly, that I was worthless, that I wasn’t wanted, that I wasn’t loved, that she hated me.

Eventually it escalated to violence. She would straight up punch me if I tried to initiate anything. If I asked her to play a game, she’d scream at me and hit me. If I asked her for a favour, the same thing.

It seemed that it escalated to a point where anything I did would elicit a violent reaction from her.

Our parents were seriously considering admitting her to a psychiatric ward for my safety.

I would cry every day, and I’d pray every night for it to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

And then it did. It stopped. It finally stopped, but not in the way I wanted it to.

Another dramatic change had occurred. She began to ignore me. She acted as if I didn’t exist.

We haven’t spoken directly to each other in 5 years. We haven’t spent meaningful time together in 5 years. We haven’t so much as touched in 5 years. 

It would have been the same for eye contact, but yesterday, through my tear-blind eyes, I could have sworn she was looking directly at me, and maybe even into me. Into my soul. 

She looked confused, like she was trying to figure something out. I looked at her back. It’s been a long time since we’ve looked into each other’s eyes. I’ve tried, but it’s hard to look at someone who always looks away. 

That was the most intimate moment we’d had in 5 years, and although the wounds of my childhood were being ripped and re-opened by her words echoing through the auditorium, it isn’t the first time I’ve heard them spoken to me. It’s not like I didn’t already know what she thought of me. And even though it hurt a lot, the pain in my stomach didn’t hurt as much as the deep ache in my heart when our eyes met. 

Fuck, I’d give anything for her to just acknowledge me again. Anything but ignore me. I wouldn’t care even if she beat me into a bleeding mess every day, as long as she was _touching_ me.

I sigh. I haven’t been focusing on the video. I rewind the entire 6 minute thing of history or geography or something. I chuckle to myself, remembering when I could actually absorb knowledge and got decent grades.

Can’t even be in normal school now, huh? I have to do online school because the teachers make me anxious.

What happened to me? A rhetorical question. I know exactly what happened. Heidi happened.

It’s definitely better than being at school, but these days I’m stuck at home with my mother while my father works and my siblings are at school. Being around her 24/7 isn’t something I enjoy at all.

Right now, though, being home alone while I reflect on yesterday’s events is something therapeutic.

Fuck, I lost track again. I rewind the video.

History. Why would you want to remember the past? I just want to forget. If I believed this is how she had always treated me, maybe it’d hurt less.

But, no. I remember vividly how she used to be. Playful, hot-headed, protective, sarcastic, a huge know-it-all.

It seems she’s made a complete 180. She seems to be nothing like that anymore. Not to me. 

But I know better.

Maybe she’ll never acknowledge me, but I acknowledge her all the time. I’m always observing her, trying to understand. 

And maybe she won’t acknowledge it, but I know her better than anyone else because of this. Better than her friends. Better than Samuel. Better than even herself, because she lies to herself a lot.

I know that inside, she’s still the same person she was, albeit more mature with age, but she’s still the playful, hot-headed, sarcastic, protective, know-it-all she used to be.

I know this, because I see her. With her friends. With her teachers. With Samuel. She treats them how I wish she would treat me.

Damn it. I can’t focus. Frustrated, I close my laptop and stand to stare out my window. I open it, letting the cool breeze caress my cheek. I close my eyes, and talk to myself.

“What is it, brain?” I ask, “Why do you keep running in circles? What are you trying to get at?”

I think hard, trying to grasp the subject of my thoughts. Heidi, Heidi. What is it about Heidi that’s engulfing my thoughts?

A little voice in the back of my head is screaming at me, desperately crying out, trying to be heard, but it’s so far away I can’t hear it. If I could just grasp that thought, maybe I’d find some clarity.

I sit down on my bed, trusting myself to know where it is with my eyes closed, and lie down. I take a few deep breaths and decide to let my mind wander. To let my brain tell me what it wants me to know.

A memory that has been replaying in the background of my head over and over finally comes to the surface.

It’s what happened before Mom left. I remember locking my door, with my heart beating painfully, either from just narrowly escaping Mom’s pursuit, or from being in such close proximity to Heidi, with her hair wet and wearing just a towel. I must have looked so disheveled to her. I’d been walking for hours in the night, after all.

I remember sitting at the door, hoping my body weight would stop Mom from coming in if she decides to get the keys. I remember closing my eyes shut, trying my hardest to ignore her nasally voice, to ignore the horrible things she’d threaten.

I remember thinking about Dad’s sitcoms, desperately trying to play an episode in my head to drown out the sound of Mom’s voice and the thrumming of my heart in my ears.

Then I remember hearing another voice. Heidi’s voice. It snapped me out of my pre-panic attack.

“What did you say?” I remember Mom asking with venom on her tongue. 

“I said, you shouldn’t be saying those things. Things like ‘you make my life so difficult.’ You shouldn’t be saying them to your children.” I heard Heidi say. 

_ Is she... is she defending me? No, it couldn’t be. She’s probably defending herself,  _ I remember thinking _. Mom said those things to her earlier, too. _

“Why not?” Mom retorted, “Because it hurts your feelings? Maybe if I actually had good children I wouldn’t have to say these things. You brought this on yourself.”

I remember thinking that I’ll never understand Mom’s logic.

“Mom, we didn’t fucking raise ourselves. The way we turned out is a result of your parenting, and if you wanna argue that no, we were just born ‘evil’, then I’ll have you know I didn’t make these god damn genetics myself.” I smiled to myself at Heidi’s words, thoroughly enjoying the show. Or maybe I was enjoying the fact that there was a small, minuscule chance that it was me she’s defending. She can’t help being protective. I know she can’t.

“You think you know so fucking much? Try living a day in my shoes, bitch. You’ll see how hard it is to raise three ungrateful sons of bitches.” Did my mom just call herself a bitch? “You’ll see how much I sacrifice for you every day, and how I get an alcoholic, a shut in, and a defiant piece of shit in return.” _Okay, fuck you,_ I thought _. I’m not a shut-in just because I don’t go to normal school. Everyone else goes out way less than I do and she knows it._

I remember a small feeling of power took over me. It was like a little flame of giddy euphoria fuelled by the knowledge that maybe Heidi did care about me, at least subconsciously. It gave me the strength to defend myself, and gave me the overwhelming urge to make a scene. I slowly opened the door to stop myself from swinging it open and screaming to the world that my mom called herself a bitch.

“Fucking finally, you stupid slut.” _Now or never._ “Next time, you’d better fucking do as I say the first time I-“ 

“You called yourself a bitch,” I said, finally releasing the electric tension on my tongue.

“... What?” Her shocked expression brought me immense satisfaction. Didn’t expect that, did you, bitch woman?

“Before. You said sons of bitches. That’s you. You’re the bitch.” I repeated, this time adding more bite to my remarks. I saw Heidi laugh, and I thought I’d throw up from the giddy cider bubbles in my stomach. I made her _laugh_.

Eureka! The thing my brain was trying to tell me, it finally hit me:

Even though she refuses to acknowledge it, my sister Heidi, she  _cares_ about me.

It’s evident in the way she laughed. It’s evident in the way she defended me. It’s evident in the way she looked at me back on the stage, her eyes so full of concern, concern for me. It has to be.

And if she cares about me subconsciously, then it’s possible for her to become aware of these feelings. It’s possible to go back, back to how we used to be.

I just need a plan, a plan to build up our relationship, a plan to make her realise that she doesn’t hate me. 

I know I’ve tried to get close to her before, and I was always shut down, but this time is different.

You see, my mistake in the past was that I forced myself on her. I tried talking to her and interacting with her, and that was just my mistake, because she wasn’t ready for that, because she thinks she hates me. But I know better.

If I could just think of a way to make her talk to me, but to make it seem like it’s her idea. Maybe from there, once we’re back on talking terms, I can use my silver tongue to rebuild our relationship.

Playful, hot-headed, protective, sarcastic, know-it-all. I know just what aspect of her personality to prey on to make this work. I know her better than anyone, after all.

Yes, this will work. My God, I’m so fucking smart.

I grin wildly, chuckling to myself silently in my empty house. If anyone with a plan to rob this house were to be watching me, they’d drop the idea so fast. I must look psychotic, and maybe I am, but I’m desperate.

The smile quickly leaves my face when I see my mom rocking up. There’s a flyer in her hand. God damn it. What is she up to this time?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“Lydia, get over here,” I hear my mom scream from the living room. I sigh, mentally preparing myself for any more yelling.

“Coming,” I respond, making my way over. I find her sitting on the couch. She grins when she sees me. She holds up a vibrant red flyer, flapping it in front of her.

“What do you see here?” She asks, holding it still.

“A flyer,” I deadpan. She drops her smile, glaring at me.

“Now isn’t the time to fucking test me.” I shiver at this. “Stop being such a smart ass and read it.”

Fuck.

“Uh, I can’t read it,” I say, with a quiver in my voice.

“Yes you can. Read it.” She says through gritted teeth. I can tell she’s ready to snap. I debate telling her the truth or taking a wild guess about what the flyer says. I decide telling her the truth is the one least likely to be taken by her as me being a smart ass.

“I can’t, actually,” fuck, should I have said ‘actually?’ I need to be careful how I phrase my next sentence, “I’m still waiting to get my glasses.” She squints at me. I think I messed up.

“You’re what? Still waiting?” She hisses. Yup, definitely messed up. “What are you saying? That it’s my fault you don’t have your shitty glasses yet?”

“I-“

“Well maybe if you were fucking normal you’d be able to go to school and get decent fucking grades like your brother. Then I’d be able to afford them. But _no_ , instead I have to pay $3000 a term for your online school because you have ‘anxiety’, which is bullshit, by the way. Try becoming a mother. Maybe then you’ll learn that real anxiety is having to manage three ungrateful brats who all have their own behavioural problems and expenses and who make other moms turn their heads and judge my parenting. How fucking dare they? As if they would know how difficult it is to raise you kids. So at least make this easy for once and read the fucking flyer, stupid bitch.”

Heidi would have a snappy retort, but I don’t. I sigh, trying my best to squint and read the words on the flyer.

“Farmers for girls?” I say, unsure.

“My God, Lydia. It says farm _work_ for girls.” Mom groans, exasperatedly rubbing her temple.

“Right,” I mumble, “why are you showing me this again?” I brace myself, but Mom only smiles.

“I’m sending you girls to the farms on the weekend.” I shake my head at this in disbelief. “That’s what you brats get, thinking you can gang up on me? You know you only called me a bitch because Heidi was there, right? You’d never be able to do it on your own. Why do you let her give you strength when she doesn’t even fucking like you, huh?”

I resist the urge to tell her that she was the one who called herself a bitch.

“Yeah, not so chatty now, are you?” She sneers. I don’t say anything. I’ve learned from watching Heidi that if you just don’t respond, she usually talks herself down after she peaks. Responding risks reigniting the fire. 

“Maybe some hard labor on the farms will teach you girls some god damn respect, huh?” She continues, “I’d send your brother too for good measure, but it’s only for girls. I’ll just have to find something else for him. Now get out of here and go do your schoolwork. I’m not paying for you to sit around, lazy ass. I’ll let your sister know when she gets back.”

At 3PM, Heidi and Samuel get back from school at the same time, arguing about something or another. Sometimes I get jealous of the little bastard.

I hear Mom talking to them and then she calls me. I head to the living room to see what she wants this time.

I scan the room, taking notice of where everyone is. Samuel is on a chair, while Mom is standing in the middle of the living room. I see Heidi sitting on the couch and my heart flutters. She’s staring intently at the wall next to her, her body pressed incredibly tight against the arm of the sofa, already anticipating that I’d be forced to sit next to her.

“Well?” Mom squints.

“Oh,” I say, sitting down. Heidi presses even tighter away from me, if that’s even possible at this point. I mentally sigh, knowing that one day it won’t be like this anymore. I wont let it. I’m going to fix this.

“Okay, girls. I’ve already told Lydia the gist of it, but look.” Mom flaps the flyer in our faces again. Heidi slightly tilts her head so she can see, accentuating her strong jawline. “This is a flyer presenting an opportunity for girls your age to go do some hard labor on a farm. I’m sending both of you there over the weekend. They have cabins, and food, and-“

“What?” Heidi exclaims. “You’re sending me to a farm? For what?”

“I hope you didn’t forget your childish outburst this morning, Heidi.” Mom says, wearing a smug smile.

“Are you actually fucking serious right now? Hard labor because you called yourself a bitch?” Heidi retorts, and Mom glares at her. I accidentally crack a smile, and Samuel struggles to contain himself behind her.

“If you don’t drop the attitude you can miss an entire week of school working on the farms.”

“I wanna work on a farm!” Samuel exclaims with a giggle he let escape.

“What?” Mom asks, turning around to face him.

“I wanna work on a farm, I said. If I do hard labor, I’ll get to develop my guns.” Samuel says, flexing his arm with a grin. He’s lying, of course. He knows Mom is going to try to find him the male counterpart of Heidi and I’s punishment, and he knows Mom won’t send him to the farms if she thinks he’ll enjoy it. Mom should know this. Samuel hates exercise. That bastard.

“They don’t count as guns if they’re on the underside of your arms, dickhole,” Heidi teases with a grin.

“Whatever, clithead, at least I have some fat on my body. You’re built like an anorexic stick-bug.”

“What did you say to me, you prick?” Heidi sneers.

“You heard me, ugly. You probably barf up your lunch every day at school.” Samuel retorts. Heidi is going to say something, but then her eyes go wide and I can tell, she’s thinking about last night.

“Heidi?” Samuel asks, probably wondering in earnest if Heidi really is anorexic based on her reaction.

“Can we focus, please?” Mom says, snapping her fingers. We all flinch and tense at the sudden noise, a tribute to our shared childhood under her rule. “Good. You two need to pack your bags right now. The weekend is soon, and I’m not going to be late because you’re too lazy to get organised.”

Funny for her to say. She’s usually the one making us late.

Heidi gets up first, and I wait until I hear her door close so I can get up too. Soon, we’ll be able to walk down the hallway together. It’s only a matter of time. I enter my room and begin to pack whatever I might need. A smile forms on my face when I finish. Two days alone with Heidi is all I need.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The weekend couldn’t come soon enough. It was hard enough feigning annoyance at the idea for the rest of the week, and now that we’re in the car I decide I can’t contain my excitement any longer. I chatter away to nobody, knowing that Heidi won’t talk to me and that Mom just plain ol’ doesn’t care.

“How long until we get there?” I ask. No response. Typical. “Is it a fruit farm or an animal farm? I hope it’s a fruit farm ‘cause I’d rather pick fruit all day than clean up cow poop.” 

I hear a groan come from the seat next to Mom as Heidi makes a show of pressing her ear phones in, the non-verbal way of telling me to shut the hell up, but I stop for nobody. Not even Heidi’s bitchy mood. 

“If we get sick from cleaning up cow dung does the farm get in trouble or do you get in trouble?” I ask Mom. She furrows her brow.

“Lydia, Jesus Christ, can you be quiet?” She snaps, turning up the radio. I see Heidi visibly relax, knowing what Mom says goes. I roll my eyes and keep my trap shut for the rest of the drive.

When we finally pull up, I can’t get out of the car quickly enough. I can tell Heidi feels the same, but for a much different reason than mine.

Mom leads us to reception, where we see a bunch of other girls with their travel bags, too. Fuck. So we’re not gonna be totally alone. Thats okay, I can work with this.

Heidi watches Mom talk to the receptionist lady, while I look around at the other girls in the camp. We might even become friends with some of them. My only friend is Amanda, so it wouldn’t hurt to try and make some new ones.

“Which one of you is Heidi?” The receptionist asks.

“I am,” Heidi says, raising her arm slightly. The receptionist smiles.

“Alright, follow Miss Hale, please. She’ll show you to our special rooms for 18 year olds.” Damn it. We’re getting separated by age. Damn it, damn it, damn-

“Uh, actually, could you keep my daughters together, please?” Mom speaks, her voice becoming low and hush-hush. “It’s just, uh, well, I have a note here from our family therapist.” Mom hands a small paper to the receptionist who reads it carefully.

“Ah, okay,” she replies, handing the note back. “In that case, Lydia?”

“Yes?” I answer, mentally praising our wonderful doctor.

“You can follow your sister to the adult rooms.” I try to suppress my grin, instead settling on a shaky nod as I join Miss Hale’s gaggle of young ladies. I take extra care to stay out of Heidi’s way. I don’t want to overwhelm her with my presence just yet. I notice she’s already chatting with some of the girls. Smiling. Laughing. It makes my blood boil. 

“All right, ladies, settle down.” Miss Hale says once we reach a building way too luxurious to be a cabin. Then I realise, that’s cause it’s not a cabin. This isn’t camp. This is a farm, and that’s a full on farmhouse. 

“My name is Miss Hale. I’m one of the farmers hear at Oakley Farms, and what you’re looking at here is a spacious farmhouse that I build with my own two hands to house so-called ‘difficult’ young people such as yourselves.” She sits herself on the railing of the farmhouse’s porch and looks each of us in the eye enthusiastically as she speaks. 

“Apparently, your parents and legal guardians are at their wits ends with you and believe some good old fashioned farm work will set you straight, and to that I say good for them. Good for them. They’re acknowledging that they need outside help to get you under control.” The crowd is silent. 

“Unfortunately for them, farm work, well, it doesn’t do shit for getting people in line. They don’t seem to realise that scooping poop isn’t going to build character, alright?” Miss Hale jokes, eliciting a laugh from the girls. Damn it, so it is an animal farm. “You know what builds character? Anybody know? You?”

“People?” One of the girls responds.

“Bingo! People build character. The connections you make and the relationships you experience with other people, that’s what’s really going to shape you. Now, I’ve given a brief looking over all of your files, but I really don’t know what each of your personal trials and experience are. Maybe you can share them amongst yourselves during late night pillow talk, but I don’t know what the depths of your life’s problems are, okay?” She suddenly goes quiet, leaning in. Her magnetic energy causes all the other girls to lean in towards her.

“But I believe that one day, each one of you is going to meet somebody, it doesn’t have to be romantic, but you’re gonna meet someone who is going to make you want to change. You’re going to meet someone who is going to make you want to be the best possible version of yourself. And maybe, just maybe, that person is someone in this crowd of young ladies, aright?” She releases the magnetic hold, and looking around, I can see a twinkle in many of the girls’ eyes.

“I like to think of myself as a pretty relaxed gal, I know how to joke around, alright, but I run a tight ship. Yes, you will be doing farm chores, yes you will be cooking your own meals, yes you will be getting your fingernails dirty, but I don’t expect any of you to change your behaviour just from poking some hay, alright? We just want some volunteers. Every farm needs volunteers, alright?” The crowd lets out noises of agreement, and Miss Hale pulls out four sets of keys.

“Alright, we’ve got four bedrooms in this beautiful home, and we need four girls in each room,” Miss Hale says, handing some of the girls keys. “If I gave you a key, please come up to the front.” I look at the girls, and am surprised to see Heidi is one of the key-holders.

“Alright. This is group one, to group four. I’m going to randomly place you into each group. Whatever number you get, that’s what group you’re in, alright? Alright.”

Miss Hale goes around to the remaining girls, giving each girl a number. She pauses when she gets to me, and tells me to just go with my sister. I beam with delight before I can stop myself and make my way over.

Miss Hale gives us a tour, shows us our doors, the bathroom, the kitchen, lays down the rules, all while managing to stick an inspirational speech in there somewhere. I’m honestly impressed with her stamina.

Once we unload our shit, she takes us to our first chore. What luck. We’re on poop duty.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I didn’t get much of an opportunity to use my strategy on Heidi today. In fact, I didn’t even really see her much. Despite us being in the same group, Heidi was making a big effort to stay as far away from me as possible. She had already made friends with the others in our group, much to my dismay. Three girls named Jayden, Ruth, and Holly. I assume she’s distancing herself to avoid acting like a bitch to me in front of her new friends.

Anyway, it‘s now 9pm, meaning we have to get to bed.

The girls all murmur their good nights to each other and start to assemble into their groups. We all leave the living room and enter our respective bedrooms.

Then the first problem hits.

There’s only four beds, and five of us in this room.

“I hope you girls don’t mind,” Miss Hale starts, “but you and your sistermight have to share a bed.”

I see Heidi’s eyes widen in fear, but my chest only swells in excitement at the idea.

“I-It’s okay,” Heidi lies, giving Miss Hale a light smile. Miss Hale nods, bids us goodnight, and closes our door.

“Boo, that sucks,” Jayden says, plopping down on one of the beds, claiming it.

“At least they’re queen beds!” Ruth pipes in, also claiming a bed.

“Yeah, must be nice having a queen bed to yourself,” Heidi rolls her eyes, and Ruth giggles while shrugging.

“You can always bunk with me,” Holly whispers to Heidi, leaning forward as she taps the space next to her. I whip my head to look at Holly. That sounded almost... _sultry_. It makes my stomach churn. I turn to look at Heidi, and she’s chewing at her lip, looking to the side with a slight tint to her cheeks.

Oh... I didn’t realise she was... that’s interesting.

“Now, look what you did, Holly, you horny lesbian. You’ve made her all speechless,” Jayden teases. Holly chuckles at this, not breaking her gaze towards Heidi.

“Jesus, how am I even supposed to respond to that?” Heidi asks with an awkward giggle as she rubs her collarbones. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her so flustered.

“With a yes,” Holly pushes, causing all the girls in the room to erupt with laughter. All except me.

“Hey,” Ruth says to me, taking notice of my silence. “Your name is Lydia, right?”

“Y-Yeah,” I stammer out.

“Dude,” Jayden starts, eyeing me up and down for a moment before turning to Heidi. “She’s your sister, right? Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

“D-Uh...” Heidi says, her eyes widening, before shaking her head and clearing her throat, “Yeah, um. This is my, uh, s-sister Lydia. She  lives with me, obviously, and she’s 16 years old.”

“I’m 17,” I clarify. Heidi lets out a small, breathy noise between an “oh” and an awkward laugh. Her eyes are on the floor.

“Wow, you’re a little young to be here, aren’t you?” Holly asks curiously, leaning back into her arms. “Why aren’t you with the 15-17 year olds?”

“Oh, you know.” Finally, this is my chance to use my strategy. “Our _psychiatrist_ ,” bingo, “thinks it’s best we spend more time together.”

We don’t see a fucking psychiatrist. We see a therapist, and Heidi knows this, and she knows I know this.

I also know that Heidi is a huge know-it-all. When we were little, she would always correct my pronunciation of words. When we were a little older, she would always correct any random fact I’d mention, or my spelling, or my singing, and she would always correct, with great enthusiasm, any spreading of misinformation. It’s almost as if she needs to let everyone know the real facts instead of the fake ones. And I know she can’t resist the bait I’m laying out for her.

I try to inconspicuously take a peak at my sister. She’s sitting on the bed and fiddling rapidly with the sheets, looking to the floor. She’s agitated. Good.

“It’s kind of personal, but we’re not supposed to be apart very often.”

“Why not?” Jayden asks.

“Jayden!” Ruth interrupts. “She just said it was personal!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Jayden says, putting her hands up in defence.

“Don’t worry about it,” I continue, “but you know, what a _psychiatrist_ says, goes, so now we have to spend all this time together.” I sneak a glance again, and I see that now she has a fistful of cloth in her hand, but still, she’s not speaking up. I try again. “It’s kind of a bother, but the _psychiatrist_ knows best. If he thinks it’ll help us with our problem, we’d better follow his advice.” Heidi’s knuckles are white, and she’s incredibly tense, but still she won’t make a peep. Damn it.

“Wow, a psychiatrist? That must be way more intense than with a therapist, huh?” Holly asks with a grin. I see Jayden is biting her lip and practically bouncing with the urge to ask me what exactly our problem is. 

Fuck, I know it’s dirty, but I’m running out of options. Heidi won’t budge.

“Jayden,” I laugh, “fuck, dude, fine! I’ll tell you guys what our problem is, but you have to promise not to let any of the other girls know.” Bullshit. I don’t give a crap whether or not the other girls know. I just care about how Heidi is responding. I notice her out of the corner of my eye. She’s got fear written on her face, but of course, only I can pick it up. I know her so well.

“I promise,” Jayden quickly says.

“Yeah, same here,” Holly joins in.

“You don’t have to if you’re not comfortable,” Ruth meekly adds. _God damn it, just hurry up and promise._

“I’m comfortable,” I assure her.

“O-Okay, then I promise, too.” Good.

“Okay guys,” I walk over to the bed that Heidi is sitting on, daring to stand only inches away from her knees. Heidi looks to the wall, with an extremely neutral expression that only I realise is an expression of fear. She presses her body deep into the bed in an attempt to get away from me, her feet half-way under the bed. 

“ _This_ is our problem.” I say, turning to the girls. They’re all staring at me in confusion. I bite my lip, thoroughly enjoying being the cause of Heidi’s paralysing fear. I’m so close, closer than I’ve been to her in years. So close that I can hear her rapid, shaky breathing.

“What is?” Holly asks. I blink. They don’t notice her body language? Then I grin.

“We see a _psychiatrist_ because Heidi-“

“I don’t see a psychiatrist!” Heidi finally yells, her eyebrows furrowing. The entire room is quiet, everyone is stunned silent at Heidi’s reaction, but I’m not. I’m thoroughly satisfied. “I- we see a therapist, not a psychiatrist.” She says, turning to the girls. Damn it, of course I finally get a response out of her, only for her to correct me indirectly. “We’re not on any medication. It’s not... you know, it’s not that serious.”

“You don’t think it’s serious, Heidi? Why not?” I ask her directly. Everyone in the room is silent, waiting for her to answer, forcing her to speak to me.

Then I realise, _fuck_ , this isn’t what I had planned. 

I’m being too aggressive. I’m not making her talk on her own accord, I’m backing her into a corner. God fucking damn it. I messed up. I mentally sigh at what I have to do.

“Actually, I take back what I said. I’m feeling kind of self-conscious about our issue now. Is it okay for me to just keep it to myself?” I ask, releasing my manipulative hold on Heidi.

“Oh, of course, honey,” Holly smiles, “don’t feel obliged to tell us anything.” I smile back at her. Ruth adamantly agrees, while Jayden gives a small sound of disappointment.

“We should probably get to bed now,” Heidi states, getting up to turn off the light.

“Yeah,” Jayden agrees, and all the girls start to get comfy. I sit on the bed, curious as to what’s going to go down between us. Heidi flicks the switch and turns around, noticing where I’m sitting. Her face cringes and her eyes automatically lower.

“Um, Holly?” _No_. No fucking _way_.

“Hm?”

“Does that offer from before still stand?” Heidi smiles, and Holly smirks.

“For you? Always,” she closes her eyes, patting the bed, inviting Heidi. Even in the dim lighting I can see her cheeks turning red. I swear she’s glowing. I watch her timidly make her way over to Holly, who is closing the curtain around her bed to give them privacy, obstructing my view. 

“Woo! Get it!” Jayden hoots, while Ruth can be heard giggling in the background.

I only hope I can go to sleep quickly so I can avoid hearing anything I don’t want to.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The morning comes, and I am momentarily frightened at my unfamiliar surroundings, before realising where I am. I check the time. 6:30AM. It’s too early. I sit up, noticing the other girls are still asleep. Then I see Holly’s bed, where Holly and Heidi are sleeping with their legs and arms tangled together. Their hair is mussed, but their clothes are still on, so that’s something. 

It’s our last day today. I can’t let our semi-alone time go to waste.

After breakfast, Miss Hale informs us of our first chore for the day: Feeding the dogs.

This farm has lots of them, at least twenty, and while I enjoy catching an occasional glimpse of them roaming the farm, their food sure as hell doesn’t elicit the same response. The dogs are fed a strange mix of beef, chicken, rice and raw eggs. It’s gross and slimy, and it has to be watered down for some reason. It makes me gag, and I’d honestly rather be scooping poop than being stuck here in the kitchen, the smell of raw egg making my head hurt.

“You look like you’re going to faint,” Jayden says, leaning down so she can look up at my eyes.

“It’s the smell,” I groan, making a face.

“Yeah, that’s why this is one of my least favourite chores, but you get used to it after a while.” She shrugs, cracking another egg. “Do you need me to take over while you take a break?”

“Uh, no thank you,” I say, shaking my head. “You make it sound as if you come here often.”

“I do come here often,” She grins cheekily. “It’s not my choice. My folks send me here at least once a month.”

“Jesus,” I laugh, scooping up some meat, “what do you do to get sent here so often?”

“They just like to have their alone time so they can fuck,” Jayden states as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to ship off your kid to get dicked down.

“Yikes,” is all I can respond with.

“And also, I guess I’m a little bit of a trouble maker, but that’s besides the point.” She jokes with a wink. Is she flirting? “They just don’t like to have me around cause I’m gay as hell.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but not as gay as your sister. She seemed to really enjoy Holly’s tongue in her mouth.” I pause involuntarily at the mental image. Why does that piss me off? 

I scan the kitchen, looking for Heidi. I see her at the other end, chatting along with non other than Holly, of course. They seem to have gotten closer. I turn back to glare at my bowl.

“What about you?” She asks, and I shake my head, resuming my work.

“Oh, I don’t know. I had a crush on a guy once when I was seven, but other than that I’ve never really felt a strong attraction to anyone.” I shrug.

“Hm, what a shame. You’re a pretty little thing, you know.” She smirks, eyeing me like she did last night. I shudder, biting my lip. She seemed to notice my reaction, grinning evilly. “If you need any help, call me over. I’m free any time.” She says in a suggestive tone.

I don’t.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

After another hard day of work, we all hit the showers, sweaty despite the snow, and relax in the living room. Many of the girls are reading books, since phones aren’t allowed, and mingling with each other. Our group takes this opportunity to write down and exchange our socials with my sister and I so that we can stay in contact. I take notice of the little hearts that Holly writes on her paper, and the way she bats her eyelashes as she hands it over to Heidi. 

At 9PM, we break off into our groups and head to bed. This time, the lights are out immediately as we hope to sleep quickly than to wake up late again like this morning. Well, _they_ hope so. _I_ slept well, because I didn’t stay up to listen to the sounds of my sister getting her face eaten. 

The girls all get into their beds and draw their privacy curtains, but Heidi and I remain standing in the middle, realising our problem.

Now we really do have to share a bed.

We stand in the middle of the room awkwardly. From the corner of my eye I can see Heidi look to Holly’s bed, then she shakes her head and turns back to face our bed. I gulp dryly, walking over to the bed and sitting down. Heidi looks to the floor.

God damn it.

I sigh, taking a pillow off the bed and curling up on the floor next to the bed. I see Heidi visibly relax as she makes her way over, getting in the bed. She makes herself comfortable, but I shift awkwardly on the carpet floor.

“Um,” I speak, “can I have a blanket?”

I look up at Heidi, but she only furrows her brow in response. I sigh, accepting the cold, uncomfortable night ahead of me. Just as I close my eyes, I hear a shifting above me, and the duvet falls awkwardly onto my body.

“Wow, uh,” I start, “thanks.” Heidi only growls in response, turning around so her back faces me. 

Finally, everything is silent.

Until it isn’t.

“ _Boy_ ,” Holly moans, “it sure is lonely having this _entire_ bed all to myself.”

“Shut up, Holly!” Jayden and Ruth shout in unison. Holly giggles in response.

“Control your god damn urges, you horny sack of shit. Damn.” Jayden says, and I internally laugh at the irony.

“Is it so bad that I have needs?” Holly argues, “It’s not my fault there aren’t enough gays in the world to go around.”

“The fuck am I then?” Jayden intercepts. “Invisible? I’ll go down on you if you return the favour.” 

“I’m not fucking gay, guys,” Heidi adds.

“What?” Jayden practically screams.

“Oh, so you _are_ awake,” Holly notes in a smooth tone.

“I’m not gay, she says. So what was that you did last night with Holly then? A dream?”

“Couldn’t have been. Those gasps and moans were definitely real,” Holly teases, and I once again thank God that I fell asleep quickly.

“It was just a little experimenting!” Heidi defends.

“Come on, guys, she’s obviously still questioning. Let’s leave her alone,” Ruth adds.

“Okay, fine. We’ll leave Heidi alone,” Jayden says in exasperation. “Let’s pick on Lydia now.”

What.

“Are you gay, Lyd’s?” 

“You already asked me this,” I deadpan.

“You know who’s gay?” Ruth asks, clearly grinning based on her tone of voice. “Miss Hale.”

“Yes!” Holly screams, “my gaydar went off as soon as she started talking!”

“Yeah, she’s definitely giving off mad top energy, too. Like damn, I wouldn’t mind her topping me.” Jayden sighs dramatically.

“Yeah, she gives total daddy vibes.” Holly adds. The three girls giggle hysterically for a moment before settling down.

“Have you really never had a crush on a girl?” Jayden redirects the subject.

“N-Not that I can remember,” I answer. 

“But you’ve never had a crush on a boy either,” she adds.

“You haven’t?” Ruth asks, intrigued.

“Well, once when I was a kid, but I don’t think that counts,” I respond, scratching my cheek.

“So maybe there’s a chance that you might be into girls then?” Jayden asks seductively, and I bite my lip at her prodding questions.

“I-I guess. I mean, we can’t exactly rule it out.”

“We totally can,” Jayden says, a bit of a spring to her voice. “Just make like your sister and take a trip to my bed and we can do a little experimenting ourselves.” _Fuck_.

I release a shaky breath at her offer, my face burning up. Jesus Christ, maybe I am fucking gay.

“Dude, stop hitting on my sister,” Heidi bites, and my heart skips a beat. She’s protecting me?

“Can you blame me, though? She’s fucking adorable.” I blush even harder at this.

“I know!” What? Heidi continues. “T-That you think so, but it’s fucking weird, dude.”

“Tell me, what’s weirder, Heidi? To watch your sister get hit on? Or to make out with a girl you just met in the same room as your sister?” Jayden coos.

“Seriously, Jayden, lay off!” Heidi yells.

“Aww, you’re so protective, Heidi,” Holly muses. So it’s not just me. Why is she being so defensive about me? Maybe my hypothesis about her feelings towards me has more truth than I gave it credit for, but I need to test it.

“I, uh, I mean, I wouldn’t mind testing the waters a little bit,” I say. I wait, anticipation bubbling in my stomach.

“Really?” Jayden perks up.

“What the fuck?” _Please_. Heidi shoots up. “No!” _Come on._ She turns to look at me. I look at her, hope welling in my eyes. This might be it.

“You’re not going in there!” 

Holy shit. 

Time seems to stop as I realise what just happened. She- she spoke to me? Holy shit. She spoke to me. There’s no doubting it. She looked directly at me, into my eyes, and _spoke_ to me. Heidi seems to realise this too, because her eyes widen and she quickly looks away, gripping at her mouth. She takes a deep breath and removes her hand.

“S-she’s not going in there!” She tries to yell, but her voice has lost its power.

How did I not think of this sooner? I was trying this whole time to exploit her insatiable need to correct me, when all this time I could have gone the much simpler route of exploiting her ever-broiling temper. Of course! Nobody can think straight when they’re pissed off.

“Shit, fine, fine!” Jayden backs off, “I’ll leave her alone for tonight.”

“Good,” Heidi mumbles softly. This elicits a giggle from the other girls.

“But don’t think I’ll just give up on you, Lydia. I’ll have you under me one of these days.” I can practically hear her smirk, but I don’t react, because my mind is still reeling from the huge event that nobody else in the room noticed.

“Sick, dude,” Heidi groans, laying down.

My sister finally spoke to me.

“Night, guys,” Jayden yawns. The other girls bid goodnight as well. 

Finally, it really is silent. The only sound I can hear being my thumping heart.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I wake up in the middle of the night. I get up from the harsh carpet with a grimace, and glance out the window. It’s still dark, but I can’t see the moon anywhere. It must be really late, or rather, really early?

I stand up and peak at my sister. I try to drown out the sound of the other girls’ breathing to just listen to the sound of Heidi’s. Her breathing is soft and steady. Her back is still turned to me, and her long black locks are scattered around her head, forming a halo around her.

I unthinkably decide to get in.

I sit down on the bed, and my muscles immediately thank me. I’m careful not to wake her as I get comfortable under the bedsheets. It’s not as warm as the duvet, but a blanket of heat has managed to form anyway. Her heat. How long has it been since I’ve last felt her warmth?

I turn to my side, watching her back rise and fall to a steady rhythm. I want to touch her, but I respect her too much to touch her in her sleep. I close my eyes.

I wake up to the feeling of something poking my arm. I open my eyes to see my sister sitting up, looking outraged, poking a book at me. I sit up too, and stare at her in confusion. She stops poking me, instead glaring at my collarbones as she always does. Expecting me to understand, and I do, but I want to push this. 

I continue to stare, acting oblivious to what she wants me to do. Her eyebrows seem to furrow even harder at my lack of action. I don’t back down. I keep staring at her, and she lets out a low noise between an agitated sigh and a warning grumble.

I decide to lie back down. I watch with great pleasure how she seems to become extremely ruffled by this, glaring towards me with wide eyes. I see her mouth open as if she’ll say something to me, but no words come out. I watch her try again to speak, but she can’t, instead, closing her lips shut and looking away.

I try to suppress a grin as I get comfortable. I see her look around at all the other beds, with their curtains still drawn, then to the floor, then to me.

A moment of silence passes by, and I debate giving in to what she wants when I hear the smallest murmur.

“G-“ She stammers out, “Get off.” I sit up.

“Why?” I ask, looking directly at her. She looks to her hands, fiddling nervously, and I notice she’s slightly red. She doesn’t answer me. I decide I’ve pushed it enough. I slide myself off the bed and get nested into the duvet on the floor. I hope Miss Hale doesn’t mind if it gets a little dirty.

After breakfast, the girls from group 2 come to bid us farewell before they head to their chores.

“Do you think you’ll come back?” Ruth adds.

“God, I hope not,” Heidi says with a laugh, causing the other girls to laugh with her.

“I wouldn’t mind coming back. I think it was fun,” I input, taking notice of how Heidi is trying not to make it obvious that she’s ignoring me.

“Well, you both have our socials, so don’t be strangers, okay?” Holly says, giving me a tight hug and then doing the same to Heidi. It bugs me how the hug with Heidi carries undertones of lust. I hear her whisper. “And if you ever want to do a little more fooling around, just give me a call. Maybe we can decide once and for all if you’re gay together.”

I see Heidi’s face turn a few shades of red. She leans into Holly’s ear and mumbles something inaudible to me. Holly’s eyes seem to widen, and she nods in understanding.

“Well, that makes things easier for us, then,” she says with a wink.

“Hey,” Jayden directs to me, “us, too, huh?”

“Uh-“ I begin.

“Dude, come on, again?” Heidi glares at her. Jayden lets out a mischievous chuckle, as she opens her arms for a hug, making a point to look directly at Heidi as I accept it, pressing my body against hers. I give a hug to Ruth, too, before we head to reception and wait to be picked up.

The walk to reception is awkward. I give another attempt to make conversation, but it doesn’t get a response. That’s okay. We’ll get there eventually. I’ve opened the door, now I just have to coax her to come out.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

On the drive home, I’m pleased to find that Mom isn’t in a pissy mood for once, and is actually curious to know what happened. I spend the entire ride home running my mouth, omitting certain parts that could get us both in trouble.

When we get home, I run my mouth to Amanda on a video call, this time leaving out no juicy details.

“No way!” Amanda shouts with a huge grin. “She actually spoke to you?”

“I know!” I match her excitement.

“That’s such a huge achievement! We need to celebrate! Aw, this is going to change everything!” My therapist says Amanda is an enabler, but that doesn’t stop me from letting her hype up my fantastical plans.

“You should come over, then. It’s been a while.” I suggest.

“Nah,” she teases, poking her tongue out, “your house is tense as hell. The negative vibe totally messes with my psyche. Just come over to mine.”

“You know my mom won’t let me,” I sigh.

“It won’t hurt to ask,” she says, except it will. The only part of my life kept secret from my best friend is the way Mom treats us. 

Talking with her is like playing Russian roulette. You never know if you’re going to actually get a response, or if she’s going to go off at you for ruining her life. 

Who knows what kind of tangent she might go on if I ask to sleep over at Amanda’s? She’ll probably say something about how I’m making excuses to stay away from her, how I hate her, how ungrateful I am for this family, or something like that. 

I don’t hate her. I love her. She’s my Mom. I just wish she was normal. I wish she didn’t twist the narrative of a perfect mother to the therapist, so that maybe she could get help too.

I add the group 2 girls on my phone, and even make a group chat for all five of us. I wonder if Heidi is doing the same, but without me in it. They’re not online, of course, still being at the farm and all, but I send them a greeting anyway that they can respond to when they all get home.

Night comes, and I feel myself completely ready to collapse on my bed, exhaustion from the farm work still aching in my muscles, but something is bugging me. I try to sleep it off, but I can’t seem to get to sleep. It bounces around in my brain, and I can’t relax until I address it. With an annoyed sigh, I get up and silently head to Heidi’s room.

I take a deep breath and knock on the door, quietly enough so that only she can hear it. I know she’s still awake. She goes to bed at ungodly hours.

“Wow, you’re actually knocking? Just come in.” Heidi says, but not to me. She probably thinks I’m Samuel or Dad. I bite my lip and open the door. She looks at me with a softened expression reserved for everyone in her life except Mom and I. When she sees that it’s me, her eyes widen, and she immediately looks away with a grimace. I close the door behind me and walk towards her. With every step I take, she shuffles a bit further away, glaring at me, clearly telling me with her body that she wants me to leave. I hold my ground.

“Um, Heidi,” I start, not waiting for her to answer me. Instead, I wait for her to look in my general direction. She’s looking everywhere but. “Heidi.” I say again. She turns to look at my stomach. Good enough. 

“Um, are you...” I begin, “Uh, you know...” I make sure my hands are in her line of view before I flick my wrist and curl my fingers back.

Heidi’s eyes seem to widen in realisation at my question, a blush spreading across her cheeks. She clamps her hands over her lips and looks to the side. I stare for a moment, noticing how hard she swallows, and the beginnings of tears in her eyes, dampening her eyelashes. My heart swells at the image. 

She doesn’t react for a moment, fixated on the floor. I’m about to speak again, when I see her give the slightest nod. I blink, processing what I saw.

“What?” I ask, wanting to reaffirm that she did, in fact, nod. She shakes her head up and down again, with more emphasis as her brows furrow and her cheeks redden even more.

I fucking knew it. That woman loving bitch. Who did she think she was, thinking I’d never realise?

“Oh,” I say, “I thought so.” I give a light shrug before turning to leave, satisfied with her cooperation.

“D-Don’t tell,” I hear her croak out just as I touch the doorknob, the slightly broken sentence being all she can bare to say to me.

“I’d never,” I respond, flashing her a smile. I can’t tell if she see’s it, though, because her eyes are at my chest once again. “I think I might be, too.” I say in passing, leaving just quickly enough that I almost miss the surprised glance she makes to my face. I close the door behind me.

Things are going to be different now. They’re going to be different.


	3. Snow Buddies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia gives Heidi bedroom eyes lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels incomplete but I’ve only slept 4 hours so it can stay that way 🤴

** Heidi **

When you can only fall asleep during the last few hours of the night, you hear a lot of things.

There are things you wish you hadn’t heard, like the sound of your ancient father saying he’s going to “rock” your mother’s world.

There are things you don’t mind hearing, like the first civil conversation between your brother and your mother in weeks.

There are things you’re not supposed to hear, like your mother sobbing real tears into a phone receiver, desperately insisting to the therapist that this is more than just sibling rivalry.

And then there are things that are meant for you, like the sound of your sister talking to herself, praying to a God she only believes in when she‘s running out of hope. Loudly enough so that you can hear what she’s saying through the wall dividing your rooms, but quietly enough that nobody else can decipher any words. 

Just you. Just her.

“Dear God,” she’d always begin with.

“Please, please, I beg of you. Please make Heidi stop. Make her stop hitting me. Make her stop yelling at me.” The words would cut me like knives, hearing my little sister’s voice break as she said my name.

“I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I just want to be friends again. Please, let us be friends again.” But that won’t be happening. With every beg and plead, I’d just get more pissed off. 

“If she has a tumour in her brain like mom says, please heal it. If she’s getting bullied like dad says, please make the bullies stop. If... If I did something wrong, please let me realise what it is that I did. I want to fix it.” But it’s not her job to fix it.

“Please, I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything you need me to do, just please make it stop.” And then she’d break down into tears. I couldn’t see her, but I always imagined she’d be in a similar state to me. Curled up on her bed, trembling. 

But while she trembled with grief, sobbing desperately for me to stop, I’d be trembling with disgust and frustration while hollow, disturbed tears streamed down my face, so hot they almost burned me. 

It reminded me too much of holy water scalding the flesh of a vile demon.

I’ll let you in on a secret.

I prayed, too.

I prayed for the begging and pleading that haunted my conscience every night and echoed in my mind every day to stop. I prayed for her to just shut the fuck up. I prayed for her to just get it over with and fucking kill herself, because I couldn’t bare to be around her anymore. 

Every time she neared me, overwhelming feelings of disgust and fear would wrack my body, and I’d have to leave before I expelled the contents of my stomach. It got so bad, that eventually I avoided interacting with her at all.

If she talked to me, I’d leave.

If she looked at me, I’d look away.

If she touched me, I’d recoil.

Maybe God is real, and if he is, he’s one chaotic bastard.

He answered my sister’s prayers, making sure that the result of what she prayed for was even worse than her previous situation.

I know she thinks so, because she provokes me all the time, desperate for me to react to her, to acknowledge her, to see her, anything but ignore her.

God likes to play with fire and watch the world burn, doesn’t he?

When you can only fall asleep during the last few hours of the night, you hear a lot of things.

Like the sound of your sister’s voice calling your name, prompting you to look at her.

I couldn’t meet her gaze. I couldn’t even meet her chest, memories of the past two days still swirling in my head.

How could I look at her after I’d acted so out of character at the farm? For fucks sake, I spoke to her. I fucking _spoke_ to her. Multiple times. My stomach felt like it was ready to reject it’s lining each time, and that feeling was resurfacing as she stood there, mere inches away from me.

I felt like a trapped animal, having already backed away as far as I could.

I felt like a pitiful, injured demon, being looked down upon by a radiant angel, powerless to fly away.

Then she asked me half a question, and gestured the other half. My eyes widened. That’s what she was here for? I noticed how furiously my heart was racing, and I felt a lump in my throat. Why did I feel like crying?

I’d only told two other people about it. I’d told Kristen during our confrontation in the bathroom, and I whispered it to Holly just before we parted ways. Both times I made it clear that I didn’t want my family to find out.

But,

I felt like I owed her something. My secrets were all I had left to give.

So I entrusted her, my wretched enemy, the person I hope to never come across again when I have the money to blow this city, with a button.

A button, that if she handles recklessly and activates, could destroy my already crumbling life.

I regretted it immediately. I don’t trust her, not one little bit. She’s vengeful and I know it. How could she not be? I began to panic.

But then she mumbled something before she left with my delicate button. So fast I almost missed it.

And I received a button in return.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Mom let me take the next day off so that I could rest my sore muscles. She still made my sister do online school, which I was relieved at. She’ll be in her room for 6 hours doing work, meaning I don’t have to worry about bumping into her in the halls. 

I decide to spend the better half of my morning taking a long nap. When I wake up, I feel like shit, as you do after taking a nap, and I check the time.

2:00PM.

Damn it, I only have an hour to be alone now. 40 minutes if I’m playing it safe.

I drag myself to the kitchen and groggily decided to use this time to make myself a snack. My mother is already in there, brewing a new batch of coffee. What luck.

I try to stay out of her way as I put together a bread sandwich as quickly as possible, hoping she doesn’t start a conversation. I feel a little classy, so I decide to add some salt, and I’m just glad I have something to eat at all as I scurry out of the kitchen, mentally celebrating my victory.

“Heidi,” _Fuck_ , I celebrated too early, “why did your sister go into your room last night?” I freeze, taking a bite out of the distasteful pauper’s dish to give me time to think of what to say.

“Um,” I say after I swallow, “she was returning something of mine that she accidentally put in her bag.”

“She didn’t talk to you?” She asks me, staring down into her empty cup, swirling it around as if it actually contained liquid.

“No, why would she?” I say, a bit of a bite to my voice. What is she trying to get me to admit to?

“Of course not,” She says coldly, her aura turning dark. I bite my lip, impending an onslaught of words. “When did you start therapy again?”

God damn it.

“7 years ago,” I respond, hiding all emotion in my voice.

“That’s an awfully long time to be paying for something that yields no results,” She says, a sickeningly sweet tone to her voice. It disturbs me.

“Okay, what do you want me to do about it?” I say, deciding to just fuck it all up and let my anger go, “it’s not my fault you can’t find decent fucking therapists.”

“ _No_ , the problem is you never take it seriously. You think I don’t see you rolling your eyes whenever he gives you good advice?” She waves her arms around, almost dropping her cup.

“Advice? All he ever tells me is to stop being a bitch. He’s already made up his mind that I’m the bad guy, that I’m the source of this family’s problems. He doesn’t want to help me, he wants to control me!” I scream, clenching my sandwich, breaking it with my nails.

“Because you _are_ the bad guy! If you would have just been born even a little nicer, you would have saved this family so much grief! I swear, the Lord gave me you to punish me for something!” My mother shouts. I bite back tears, not daring to let them fall in front of her.

“I’m not the bad guy,” I force myself to say, “he just thinks I am because you twist and manipulate the narrative to make yourself look good.” She doesn’t say anything in response, resorting to just glaring at me.

“I’m leaving,” I finally say, breaking the silence, “I’ll be back later.”

I don’t wait for her to respond. I take what’s left of my pathetic bread sandwich and go out the door. I know exactly where I’m headed. A place as far from here as child me was willing to go.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I breathe a sigh of relief as I finally reach the edge of the city. I stand on the border between the city and the tree line. I take in a cool breath, letting the intoxicating aroma of tree pines surround me. I take a step forward, walking right into the woods.

When I was a kid, there would always be people in the woods. Kids would always come here after school, and small groups eventually formed. The kids of this city would make-believe their own society, playing pretend, going on grande adventures. It was nice, having such a strong sense of community, of shared memories with such a large group of people.

Now, we’ve all grown up. As our small city expanded and became more modern, my cohort’s younger siblings and the children born after them didn’t take to our old traditions.

Hell, even Samuel has only been to the woods once. It seems mine was the last bunch of kids to play in these woods.

As I walk, I see a ghost town. Abandoned tire swings. Rotting camps made from branches. Forgotten meeting areas. And as I walk, I think of the countless time capsules buried in the dirt, doomed to be covered by layers of earth, never to see the light of day.

My sister and I made a time capsule. It’s behind our secret base. Our cubby. Our father built it for us, far, far away from where the other kids played. Farther than they would trust themselves to go without getting lost, but my sister and I never feared getting lost, for we knew we had no home but each other.

In reality, it wasn’t that far. Through my childish eyes it was hidden away safely. Now I marvel at the fact that nobody’s squatting in it.

I’ve only got maybe 10 minutes to go before I reach it, and I’m already feeling more relaxed after that tiring confrontation with my mother. I decide to take a break, and just sit in the snow and look to the sky. 

My footsteps stop, but to my absolute horror, the sound of walking doesn’t. 

I freeze, afraid to turn lest the stalker realise I’m aware of their presence. I check my pockets for my knife, and on the count of three, I ready myself to produce it.

One...

I grip the handle.

Two...

I start to withdraw it.

Th-

“Why’d you stop?” The voice startles me, and I whip around rapidly, pointing the knife towards the sound. The person recoils in shock, then raises an eyebrow at me. 

That’s when I notice the deep, piercing blue of their eyes. Fuck.

I immediately lower my eyes to her chest, putting my knife away and furrowing my brow at the floor.

How long has she been following me? I’m dying to ask her, but the queasiness in my stomach begs me not to. I turn around with a groan, walking away a little too fast. I hear her following me. Damn it. Why won’t she lay off?

She follows me in silence for a little bit, and I almost forget she’s there, until she decides to open her flap again.

“I know where you’re going,” she points out, and I feel my face heat up. No way can I let her know that my destination is our childhood playhouse. No fucking way. I need to make a plan. What else is out here that I can go to? The next city over? No, then she’d wonder why I didn’t just use the path.

“I didn’t realise you were such a sucker for nostalgia,” I can almost hear the grin dripping from her voice. I let out a noise of agitation, signalling for her to leave me alone. She ignores it. She’s been doing that a lot lately, more than usual. 

I grumble incoherently to myself as I continue to walk. I decide the best plan is to just take a left turn and explore the woods. If I’m lucky, I’ll stumble across something that can pass as my destination. 

Once we get five minutes from the cubby, I make a show of taking a sharp left turn, and walk forward with confidence. I hear my sister’s footsteps falter, before she decides to keep following me. I roll my eyes at her insistence.

“Did you forget where it is? You’re going in the wrong direction,” she says, releasing an unsure laugh. I ignore her, taking heavy steps in my new direction. We walk for a moment, but I can tell from the unevenness of her steps that she’s confused. I’m hopeful she’s even debating going back before she gets lost. I can only hope I don’t get lost either.

“Seriously, you’re going the wrong way. Just follow me. I know where it is,” she suggests, but still I ignore her. Is she not going to realise I’m not going to the cubby?

“Heidi,” she says, a bit stern. It almost scares me. “The cubby is-“

“I’m not going to the cubby!” I shout before I can stop myself. My hands go to clamp my mouth, but I stop the motion to keep from further embarrassing myself. I instead hold my elbows in each hand, walking even faster.

“What? Where are you going, then?” She asks. God fucking damn it. Why is she still here? Why is she talking to me so much? I want it to stop. I don’t know how much longer my stomach can hold out at the sound of her voice. 

I’m only a few seconds away from a sprint with how fast I’m walking, trying to lose her, and Heidi is jogging, trying to keep up. I decide to take a right to keep up the illusion that I know where I’m going. She’s still following me. I take a left. Still, she follows. I take another left, and then a right. And then another right. I can’t fucking shake her. I’m exhausted, and decide to sit down on the snow. I notice the sun is setting. Fuck. I should probably drop the act and go home. 

Then I finally take in my surroundings. My very unfamiliar surroundings. I’m... lost. Great.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It’s a small clearing in the woods that I’ve never seen before. There are snow covered mushrooms everywhere, forming a large number of fairy circles. I admire the view for a moment, and my panting sister seems to look around too.

“Fairy circles?” She says finally. “In winter?” It is odd, but not unheard of. She walks over, and I notice she’s about to step inside one of them. Panic sets in. I have to say something.

“Don’t,” I manage, and she immediately pauses.

“What?” I look down at the ground and she follows my eyes. “O-Oh, shit,” she says, removing her foot from the air above the fairy circle. “Thanks.” I only glare at her shoes in response.

“You’re not talking to me again?” She says, in an almost teasing voice. It irritates me. It’s been so long, I forgot who Samuel gets his bastard-ness from. I look away from her, to the side. “Fine.” She sits down across from me, and I shuffle back.

“Why do you act like I have a disease?” She mumbles, but I can tell it isn’t a question. She said it to herself.

“Is this where you were heading to?” She asks. I nod my head, eyes fixated on a fairy circle.

“You’re lying.” She smirks, and it succeeds in fully pissing me off. I shake my head.

“Yes you are. You took, like, three directions that cancelled each other out. You have no idea where we are.” I shake my head again, insisting that I came here on purpose.

“Okay, prove it,” she grins, eyeing me, “if you know where we are, then lead us home.” What the fuck is she talking to me for? I _can’t_ take it anymore.

“Why are you acting like we’re friends?” I snap, standing up, trying my best to ignore the bile in my throat.

“W-What?” My sister asks with a breathy chuckle.

“You heard me. Why are you being so buddy-buddy to me?” I fold my arms, my fingers gripping at the fabric of my coat.

“W-Well, uh,” she looks to the side, “you... want me to.” _What_? I feel my blood boil.

“I- what? You think I want you following me around, running your mouth? It’s been like this since you forced me to talk to you at the farm! Yeah, you think I didn’t know you’d planned that all out?” I shout, my nails gripping into my elbows through the thick fabric.

“No... You- gosh, I don’t know how to explain it without sounding crazy,” she says, rubbing her ear lobe.

“If,” I begin, with a low voice, “you don’t know how to explain it without it sounding crazy, that’s probably because it’s fucking crazy!” 

“It’s not crazy!” She shouts back, getting up to meet my eyes. Then I realise I’ve been maintaining eye contact for a while. I look back to the side. “You care about me, don’t you? Maybe you don’t want to admit it, but I know you care!”

“You think I fucking care about you?” I say, stepping closer. The swirling in my stomach is getting astronomically stronger, but I try to ignore it. “I don’t know what kind of fantasy you’ve made yourself believe, but the truth is, I don’t give a shit about you.” I think I might be going too far, but I’m too pissed off to care. “When will you understand that I just want you to stay away from me, huh? All I want is to take my god damn diploma and leave this shit-hole and all the awful memories behind, and I’m especially looking forward to never seeing your vile face ever again!”

She doesn’t respond, her expression unreadable.

“But no, you just keep following me around and exercising that grating voice of yours. Do you have any idea how much you make me want to vomit? You make me sick! Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I scream.

I see her lip quiver, but she bites back tears. Her body language is stiff, and I almost feel sorry. Almost.

“B-Because...” she stammers, “Because you care about me. I know you do.” I stare at her, dumbfounded. She can’t really believe that, can she? What I feel for her is confusing and indescribable, but it is far, _far_ from love.

“You’re crazy,” I say, shaking my head, “you’re fucking insane. The reality is-“

“So what if I’m fucking insane, Heidi?” She interrupts, extending her arms in exasperation. “Can you blame me? You think someone can endure years of what you’ve put me through and come out sane? The therapist is right, you really are the fucking villain of this narrative, huh?”

I hear a sickening crunch and flinch, shutting my eyes. I open them once I feel a stinging on my knuckles, and I see blood on my hands, and my sister on the floor, holding her cheek.

Oh, shit. Well, that’s what she fucking gets for calling me the bad guy.

“Yeah, you fucking like that?” I shout, staring at her with my arms to my side. She looks stunned for a moment, then looks up at me. Her fingertips tentatively touch her bruised cheek, and I notice I busted her lip too, with blood trailing down her chin. I dare to look directly into her eyes, but there’s something off. I focus my gaze, trying to figure out what it is that’s unsettling me. Then I see it.

Oh, _fuck_. Her pupils. They’re fucking blown.

I feel an impossibly tight squeezing in my stomach, and I rush to the nearest bush, expelling my bread sandwich from earlier.

Holy shit. It can’t be. No, no. Maybe she just has a severe head injury.

I look back to check. I see her sitting down, leaning back on her left arm, gazing at me with a sickeningly indescribable look. Then she smirks, wiping the blood off her chin and cleaning her hand with snow.

“Heidi,” she says, in a voice that I don’t dare call sultry, “look at your feet.” I look down to see I’m standing right in the middle of a fairy circle. I immediately recoil, tumbling backwards, only to step in another fairy circle. Jesus Christ, our house is going to be fucking burnt down by tomorrow morning. I glare at her as I watch her chest heave up and down with her chuckling.

What the _fuck_ is going on with us?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“You’re lucky I don’t aimlessly wander around the woods. I actually keep track of where we are,” My sister says, walking in front of me while I follow, keeping a metre distance between us.

“Stop talking,” I say through gritted teeth.

“You punched me in the face. Plus, I’m covering for you. The least you can do is let me talk.” She says, feigning offence. I grip at my sleeves.

“All you ever do is run your god damn mouth. It’s so fucking annoying. Don’t you have anything better to do than talk?” I grumble.

“Sure, I have lots of better things I could be doing right now. I could be talking to Amanda, bragging about how Jayden totally wants to get in my pants,” I feel myself bubbling with rage at this, “but instead I’m out here, talking with you, because I wanted to make sure you were safe. You shouldn’t be going out into the woods in the afternoon, you know.”

“I would have gotten back before the sun even set if you hadn’t decided to be such a fucking creeper, asshole,” I mutter.

“Look at that, you’re already calling me an asshole again,” she teases.

“I don’t mean it affectionately!” I snap. I see her shake her head.

We finally see the beginning of lights, and soon we are out of the woods, walking into town.

My sister doesn’t say anything more, instead walking silently in front of me.

“When we get back to the house,” I begin, “whatever this is, it’s going to end.”

“What do you mean by ‘this’?” My sister asks, acting oblivious. I fucking hate it when she does that.

“This! This...” I struggle to find the words, “... moment of truce. This moment of transparency. It ends as soon as we walk through the door.”

“Moment of truce?” She repeats. “This is hardly a truce. You just finally gave in and started talking to me. You’re still acting like you hate my guts.” 

I furrow my brow. “As soon as we get home, I’m not going to talk to you, and you’re not going to talk to me, okay?” I clarify. “Things are going to go back to the way they were, do you understand?” My sister stops walking, and I almost bump into her.

“T-The way they were?” She turns around and looks at me, “you mean how you’ve treated me since you were 12? That’s not the way things were. That’s the way things are _now_ , but that isn’t how it used to be!” She shouts, and I look around at the houses, concerned that somebody will hear.

“Shut the hell up! Fine! I want things to go back to the way they ‘are’ if that’s a better word for you!” I hiss, crossing my arms.

“I don’t fucking want that! Why can’t you just be nice to me? Like when we were kids?” She asks, and I recognise the desperate tone in her voice. It takes me back to when she would pray. I quickly shake the memory away.

“Well we’re not kids anymore! Get fucking used to it! We’re grown now! Things can’t just go back!” I say in an aggressive whisper. She looks genuinely offended.

“Why can’t they? I won’t accept it! I won’t! This cant be how it is for the rest of our lives!” She shouts at a volume too loud for a stroll through the neighbourhood. Anxiety spikes through my body as I hear the sound of many curtains failing to open quietly.

“I told you to shut the hell up! What? You’re looking to get fucking knocked again? You’d fucking like that, wouldn’t you?” I glare at her, but I notice her expression softens in a way I find disturbing. She bites her lip, looking to the ground. Fuck, why did I _say_ that?

“Whatever,” she mumbles, and begins walking. My stomach flips. I feel like I know too much about her now. I begin walking, too.

When we get home, our mother immediately asks what happened to my sister’s face. As she said she would, she covers for me, making up a story about falling onto a rock. Our mother doesn’t believe it one bit, but either knows better, or just doesn’t care to question further. My sister bandages herself up while our mother yells at me for being irresponsible.

We walk to our rooms one at a time, and I’m pleased that things seem to be going back to normal. My sister’s increasing presence in my life was not sitting well with me.

But still, I couldn’t get the look in her eyes out of my head. The dilated pupils, almost blocking out the blue of her eyes. The slightly lowered eyelids. The way she looked up at me through her lashes, a slight smirk on her face. Blood trailing down her lips and dripping off her chin.

That kind of reaction... because I punched her?

Jesus, that girl truly does have problems.

I try to suppress the deprived part of my brain that liked what I saw.


	4. Doctor’s Orders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family therapist thinks the girls need to spend more time together, and that can never end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know these few chapters have been shitty but I promise I’m going somewhere with this and I know y’all will love it <3

** Lydia **

“Okay, I think we should probably call in the family now,” Dr. Dean says, tapping his papers on his desk to organise them. He motions for me to stay put as he gets up from his chair with a strained groan, opening his office door.

“If you’d like to come in?” He says quietly into the waiting room. I hear the sound of shuffling, and then I see Heidi and Mom walk in. Mom knows the drill, sitting next to me on the couch so that she is sandwiched between Heidi and I. I wish she wouldn’t do that anymore. I want to see Heidi squirm. 

“What have you called us in for, doc?” Mom asks innocently. Dr Dean takes a sip from his fifth cup of tea, before placing it down gently on his desk.

“Well, it seems we have made improvements, I believe,” he begins, “Lydia has told me that she feels the rift between her and Heidi is becoming smaller, yes?” I nod in response, thoroughly enjoying the way Heidi seems to glare at the floor.

“I don’t think so,” Heidi mumbles, earning a stare from the doc.

“Yes, well, from what I’ve been told, you’ve even spoken directly to each other. Is that true?”

“I-“ Heidi’s voice cracks and she turns a shade of red. I bite my lip, trying not to grin at the idea that Heidi is going to be left wondering how much I told him.

“Oh, it must be that time they spent together at the farm!” Mom gasps with a smile, “I knew you were right to recommend it to me!”

Heidi and I both turn to her in confusion. So it wasn’t because she called herself a bitch?

“But I thought-“ Heidi begins, but Mom puts her hand on Heidi’s knee, a warning, and I see Heidi tense up and shiver.

“So, it seems that getting the girls to spend time alone together is finally yielding results,” Dr Dean says, pushing up his glasses.

“Oh, yes, doctor. But what I don’t understand is, why _now_? It hasn’t worked for years, but it’s working now? I don’t understand,” Mom says, tilting her head at the doctor. The doctor clears his throat before answering.

“Well it could be that as they age, they’re beginning to realise that if they don’t do something now, their rivalry could follow them into adulthood.” It’s not a rivalry, doc. At least, I don’t think it is. 

The exact reason Heidi so suddenly turned on me 6 years ago is still unclear to me. But then again, the doc also has one-on-one sessions with Heidi, so maybe she’s told him things I don’t know about yet.

“I just hope this all blows over by the time Heidi moves out. I know how... eager she is to just spread her wings and fly away!” Mom says with a loud laugh, but there’s a threatening undertone that the doc couldn’t possibly pick up on.

“Yes, well, we want to take advantage of this window of time where it seems to be working, do you understand?” The doc asks, and Mom nods, “I believe strongly that if you take the girls on trips together, maybe out into town, or to an amusement park, or an escape room, or any activity that promotes teamwork, that will really help, okay?”

The doctor and Mom chat for a little while, and I take a quick glance towards Heidi. She’s chewing her lip, glaring intently at the floor. I watch, mesmerised at the way her lips move against her teeth, and I’m reminded of my own lips, the swelling having gone down, but a painful gash still remaining on the skin.

Fuck, it was euphoric having her beat into me like that. I felt the effects of her punch tingling everywhere in my body. I want her to do it again. The feeling of her bare skin against mine is something I haven’t experienced in way too long.

I see Heidi’s eyes flutter towards mine, while I’m still deep in the memory of yesterday. The look on my face must be something, because she widens her eyes and looks away fiercely, her hands balled up into a tight fist. She looks nauseous. Good.

“So to confirm, our next appointment is next week, yes?” Dr Dean asks.

We exit the building and drive home. 

Things are always tense on the drive home from the therapist’s office. The knowledge that we all talk shit about each other to one man leaves a thick atmosphere hanging around. 

The sky is dark, and the snowy air leaves a small fog on the car window. Dad is probably home by now. I draw on the window like I’m a child. I draw hearts and flowers and stars and musical notes. I draw all the beautiful things in the world, hoping that their warmth may rub off onto my body. I briefly wonder what it’s like to have a normal family. 

Jesus, I’m always so moody after going to the therapist.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

We get home, and Dad is watching his sitcoms again. I take off my shoes and join him.

“How was it?” He asks, disinterested.

“Good,” Heidi and I say simultaneously. I see Heidi take off her own shoes and begin walking to her room, before Mom stops her.

“Wait,” she says, closing the front door. “Heidi, sit down.”

“Why?” She asks, clearly tired, but starts walking towards the living room anyway, taking the seat farthest from me.

“Winston,” Mom barks, grabbing the attention of Dad.

“What?” He grumbles, his eyes never leaving the television screen.

“The therapist told us good news today! Heidi and Lydia spoke to each other! Isn’t that right, girls?” Heidi awkwardly shuffles, averting her eyes to the floor, and I let out a small noise of confirmation as I fiddle with the hem of my shorts.

“Really?” Dad asks, finally tearing his eyes from his show to look at Mom, probably wondering if it’s a joke. Mom only nods with a big grin.

“He thinks that getting the girls to spend time together is finally working! Yesterday, Heidi and Lydia even went out together to the woods!”

“What? No they didn’t!” Dad gasps in disbelief.

“They did, Winston. Lydia even has the scar to prove it!” Mom makes her way over to me and tilts my head so that Dad can see the cut on my lip and the bruise on my cheek.

“What the fuck?” Dad’s eyes furrow and he thumbs my cheek and lip. “Lydia, when did this happen?”

“Yesterday in the woods. You didn’t notice?” I ask in a whisper, genuinely shocked.

“This happened when you were with Heidi?” He asks. I nod. He turns to look at Heidi. “Did you punch your sister?” 

My heart stops. Heidi’s eyes widen, and her mouth opens. Of course he’d know as soon as he saw it. He used to do kickboxing, for fucks sake.

“I, wha- no!” She sputters.

“This looks like a punch, Heidi,” he states, firmer this time as he points to my cheek.

“I didn’t punch her, the fuck?” Heidi yells.

“Dad, I fell on a rock,” I say, trying to save us. Dad tilts his head at me and cocks an eyebrow.

“Why are you lying? You can’t tell me that’s not a punch,” Dad insists. “What are you trying to hide?”

“Nothing! I didn’t punch her!” Heidi shouts, refusing to be found out. I see that bastard Samuel leaning in the hallway with a bag of chips, watching this all go down with a huge grin on his face.

I understand why we’re hiding the truth, but I also don’t. 

There’s nothing much to hide. I pissed her off and she punched me. It’s not like it’d be the first time that’s happened. 

But that evening’s encounter just seemed so... intimate. So transparent. Telling them what happened feels like telling them we fucked in the woods or something. 

It was more than just a punch, at least to me. It was the first time she’d touched me in years. And it must be more than just a punch to her, too, if she’s this adamant about hiding it.

Then I hear loud snapping. Heidi and I flinch.

“What happened isn’t important. You’re all getting off track!” Mom says, finally stopping her fingers. “What I’m trying to say is, that for whatever reason, this is working. We need to take advantage of this window, Winston. We’re on the road to success. Things might actually get back to normal!” Dad looks at her.

“So what, are you just telling me this because you’re happy or do you want something from me?” He sighs, knowing fully that Mom never starts a conversation without a goal. I can’t imagine what it’s been like being married to her for 20 years.

“Well, I just think you should take the girls out tomorrow for some bonding time.”

“What?” Heidi and I exclaim in unison. Spending time together is hard enough, but with Dad? Things get awkward real fast. 

If after all these years Heidi and I still have one thing in common, it’s our strained relationship with Dad. He’s as mediocre as fathers come. He’s always away at work, and when he’s at home he’s always beer-drunk and watching TV or taking a nap. It’s not like he’s mean or anything. He’s certainly better than Mom. He’s just... never there. Sometimes it feels like we go weeks without talking, and when we do talk it’s always surface level stuff about our day or our grades. Sometimes I even wonder if he knows we’re his children, and not just some kids in his wife’s house.

But it’s not his emotional absence that makes him unbearable. It’s something else. It’s this deep contempt for him that both Heidi and I have felt for so long that we forget the reason. I know she feels it too, because I hear her talking to Samuel about him. About how she can’t stand him, but can’t exactly pinpoint why. 

It’s even worse for Samuel. Being the youngest, he’s often forgotten by him. If we go weeks without talking to him, Sammy goes months. He’s desperate for his attention. I know the feeling.

“Mom, we-I have school tomorrow,” Heidi complains.

“Don’t act like that,” Mom snaps. “You can go after school. Your dad will take the day off work so he can take you somewhere.”

“I wanna go,” Samuel pipes in.

“No, it’s just the girls, Samuel,” Mom responds. Samuel sulks.

“I can’t do that, pumpkin,” Dad says, shaking his head lightly at her.

“Yes you can,” Mom hisses in a threatening tone. Dad doesn’t say anything. It kind of pisses me off. “And if you girls thought you had plans after school tomorrow, no you don’t.”

“Yes I do,” Heidi retorts, “I’m going to the movies tomorrow with my friends.”

“Not anymore, Heidi.” She squints. Heidi opens her mouth, but closes it again. What Mom says, goes.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Thursday, 3PM, Dad gets his keys and waits for us to get ready. Having been home all day, I’m ready first. Heidi, however, keeps us waiting for a bit since she just got home from school.

“Where do you wanna go?” Dad asks, popping his collar and kicking his flats into position.

“Oh, uh,” I think, “I dunno. The movies?”

“We’re not going to the movies,” Heidi mutters as she walks down the hall and enters the living room. She’s wearing her hair in a bun with two strands poking out. It frames her face nicely, especially with the light makeup she has on. She has on a black sweater-dress with a white, button down shirt underneath revealing it’s collar at the top. Under it she wears a pleated skirt and fishnet stockings with doc martens. She’d always been the prettier and more fashionable one of us. 

I’ve always taken after Dad, minus Mom’s blue eyes, so rather than raven hair, I’ve got brown. I’ve also been blessed with the misfortune of inheriting Dad’s face, which on him doesn’t look too shabby, but it just doesn’t translate well onto a woman. I’m also a bit on the pudgier side, having inherited Mom’s curves, which I wouldn’t mind if it weren’t for the fact that my stomach and arms have curves too.

Meanwhile, Heidi’s got a willowy figure like Dad, despite being quite short, and she knows how to walk the line between elegant and laid-back. She’s got Mom’s face and hair, which she hates, but it makes her as beautiful as Mom was at her age, with round blue eyes and heart shaped lips. She almost looks like Snow White, if Snow White was also into the alt scene. 

I’ve been staring, so I avert my eyes despite the fact that Heidi probably hasn’t even noticed that I’ve been ogling her, with her never looking at me and all.

“If we go to the movies, we’ll probably run into my friends, and I’m not about to explain to them why I’m not with them. I want to be as far away from the cinema as possible.” She explains.

“Alright, how about the mall then?” Dad asks, almost jokingly. “Teenaged girls like to go shopping, right?”

“Dad, everyone likes to go shopping,” Heidi says, rolling her eyes.

“Well, I do need to buy some new socks, I guess,” I mutter.

“To the mall it is, then.” Dad leads us to the car and we drive off.

We make small talk in the car to Dad for a bit before we arrive. The mall seems to be somewhat crowded, with quite a few people still in uniform. 

I guess it gets crowded around this time, which I wouldn’t have known. I don’t come here very often, mostly because Heidi does. When I go out, I go wherever people aren’t.

Dad takes us to a clothes shop and lets me pick out some socks, which I carry with me in a bag. I’ve taken advantage of the fact that Dad’s actually willing to spend money on us and gotten myself socks that would be considered frivolous on a trip with Mom. I feel guilty, but not too guilty.

Next, Heidi insists on going to that weird trinket shop she’s so obsessed with. It’s a strange little shop that sells handmade things like rugs and dolls and weird shit like that. She owns way too many things from this shop. Weird little things that line the surfaces of her room, like her bookshelf and dresser.

“Look at this, Dad,” she says, running her finger along the back of a wooden ox statue. “It’s pretty, isn’t it?”

“This isn’t what I thought we’d be shopping for,” Dad deadpans. Then he smirks. “Don’t you want lipstick like a normal young lady? Or pink frilly socks like your sister?”

“Dad!” I exclaim, slightly embarrassed. “I just like cute socks.”

“Yeah, and I don’t,” Heidi says, adding onto what I say but never speaking directly to me. She’s been doing that all day. “I like ox statues.”

“But cute socks come in black, too,” I joke, testing her. She bites her lip and lowers her eyes. Dad watches, amused.

“M-My definition of cute is different,” she mumbles inaudibly, kicking her leg up to show off her fishnets.

“So you do talk to each other now? When did that happen?” Dad asks.

“It... didn’t,” Heidi stammers out.

“Really? So you didn’t answer Lydia just now?” Dad cocks an eyebrow. Heidi furrows her’s.

“I speak when spoken to,” she mumbles. Dad lets out an amused huff. “Anyway, I’m buying this.” Heidi searches her pockets, but her hands come up empty.

“Did you forget your wallet?” Dad asks.

“No, I-I swear I put it in my pocket this morning.” Just then, Heidi’s phone dings. She checks the message. “Samuel found my wallet on my... dresser? That can’t be right. I definitely put it in my pocket. Wait, why is he in my room?” She begins to text furiously.

“Must be the Fae,” I say nonchalantly.Heidi’s fingers stop abruptly as she remembers the night in the woods.

“Damn it,” she finally mutters. “Those god damn... g-great creatures.”

“What’s a Fae?” Dad asks. Heidi and I look at him.

“The... the Fae,” Heidi blinks at him. “Grandma never taught you?” Dad looks at us blankly.

“Faeries?” I add.

“Oh, fairies?” Dad laughs. “What about them?”

“She stepped in a fairy circle,” I explain.

“What’s that?” He asks in confusion, but not nearly in as much confusion as us.

“Dad, Grandma was your mom. How did she never teach you this?” Heidi asks in shock.

“Wait, wait,” I say with a grin, “Dad, you see a circle of mushrooms in the woods. What do you do?”

“Kick it, probably,” He shrugs.

“Dad!” Heidi exclaims while I burst out laughing. “No wonder our home life is so shit, you probably have the vengeance of a thousand faeries on your back!”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about,” he says, grabbing the ox off the shelf and taking it to the register, pulling out his own card. “Well, apart from the home life being shit part,” he continues after we leave the building, handing the bagged ox to Heidi.

“It doesn’t have to be, you know,” Heidi mumbles as we make our way over to the food court. “You could divorce.” Dad doesn’t answer. I’m not sure he even heard her. Instead, he leads us to a table and goes to order lunch. 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I sit awkwardly across from Heidi and watch her settle the ox bag onto her lap. I put my own bag on the table, and watch her desperately trying not to look like she’s avoiding me, her eyes darting rapidly in every direction except mine.

“Why do you like those statues?” I ask, trying to start a conversation. Heidi stills and furrows her brow as she looks at the surface of the table. I sigh in exasperation. “Come on, Heidi, just drop the act. There’s no one here but us.”

“And the tons of people surrounding us,” she mutters, “besides, it’s not an act. I really don’t want to talk to you!”

“You’re a terrible liar,” I grin, folding my arms and leaning back in my chair.

“I’m not lying. The version of me in your head that secretly wants to interact with you doesn’t exist. Real me wants you to fuck off,” she hisses. “I’m not going to talk to you anymore, so just shut up.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask. No response. “What if I touch you?” Heidi’s eyes go wide and she pales. I lean closer to her, resting my elbows on the table. Heidi leans back, but she can’t shuffle away. The chairs are bolted to the floor. I can see her breathing harder. I try not to laugh as I slowly inch my hand closer to her. She presses her entire body into the chair, trying to get as far away from me without leaving her seat and causing a scene. I persist, reaching the edge of the table and creeping my hand closer to her wrist.

“S-Stop! Stop!” Heidi blabbers out, caving in. I can’t suppress a chuckle. “What’s wrong with you? Ever heard of consent? I don’t want you to touch me!” I’m sure if she wasn’t being drowned out by the sound of chattering, she’d be quite loud.

“Jesus, it’s not like I’m fucking you or anything,” I sigh, leaning back into my chair again. Heidi looks slightly embarrassed. “What is it with you and not wanting me to touch you, anyway? What are you afraid of?” She furrows her brow and looks to the side, gnawing on her lip.

“I’m not afraid,” Heidi says through gritted teeth.

“Then let me touch you,” I say blankly.

“What the fuck? You need to dial it back with your creepy obsession with me. It grosses me out.” She scowls.

“I’m not obsessed with you!” I shout, loud enough so that people actually turn and look at me. Heidi sees this.

“You stupid whore! Keep your voice down!” Heidi hisses. Her face starting to become red.

“What is it with people calling me a whore? I haven’t even kissed anyone!” I exclaim.

“Well for a fat virgin you sure seemed desperate to have Jayden inside of you, or maybe you’re just that fucking lonely, huh?” She quips, contempt in her eyes. “Seems pretty whore-ish to me.”

“Imagine calling me a whore, Miss I-fucked-a-man. You didn’t even like him and you still did it! And you got with Holly the same day you met her! That’s only the stuff I know about, too. Who knows what other pieces of shit you let rail you?” I go off, feeling my anger bubble.

“You son of a bitch! Holly and I only kissed!” Heidi argues back. I see in her eyes that she’s genuinely pissed. Her face is red, either from rage or embarrassment.

“Bullshit,” I push dangerously, and I wonder to myself if I’m provoking her on purpose. “I know she probably fingered you good. Nobody moans from a kiss.” I lean closer, squinting my eyes at her. Before I could even react, my head hits the floor and I see Heidi on top of me grabbing my shoulders and punching me across the jaw.

“Ow, Heidi! What the fuck?” I hear people gasping and yelling, and I feel a strong pair of hands grab onto me and lift me away from her. I look up to see a janitor, barely registering that they’re asking me if I’m alright. Instead I’m focused on the euphoric pain that radiates in my bruised bruise, and I feel blood trickling on my face from my re-opened lip. I lick it, enjoying the sting. I look at Heidi and see she’s being restrained by a security guard.

“Ugh,” She groans, staring at the scene she caused. Then, to my surprise, she cracks a lopsided smile before lowering her eyes. “Sorry,” she says, and I don’t know if she’s talking to me.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

No one is talking. Heidi is sitting one seat away from me in the car, not daring to sit next to Dad. Clearly, uncomfortably pushing herself against the window for the entire drive is better than dealing with an angry Dad. At least, I assume he’s angry. He must be, but he just kind of looked tired when a security guard led him to the scene. I’m holding an ice rag to my face, eating a burger. Heidi is doing the same, minus the rag.

“Girls,” Dad sighs, finally breaking the silence, “what happened exactly?”

“Heidi called me a whore, so I called her a whore back, and she punched me,” I state, slightly smugly. Heidi doesn’t respond, glaring out the window.

“And why did Heidi call you a whore?” Dad asks, demanding a full retelling.

“U-Um, because I shouted too loudly,” I answer.

“That... doesn’t seem like the full story,” Dad notes. Everyone is silent again for a while, before Dad continues. “So, Heidi, you did punch Lydia in the woods, didn’t you?”

“Uh, yeah,” Heidi sighs admittedly. “What kind of trouble am I in, old man?”

“No trouble,” Dad says, “I think you got punishment enough. Mom yelled at you for letting your sister get hurt, didn’t she? That’s enough.”

“What?” Heidi asks. “But what about for today?”

“Eh, it’s kind of my fault,” Dad shrugs. Heidi and I look at him in confusion. “You get it from me, you know. You’d think you get your anger from your mom, but you don’t. Mom’s anger is controlled, believe it or not. She can hold off her rage to calculate the perfect way to bring someone pain.” He himself sounds like he’s in pain as he says it. “But, the kind of vivid way of experiencing your emotions to the point that you can’t control your actions, that’s all me. I should have taught you how to control it when you first started showing signs of it.” I look at him in shock. He’s never told us this.

“It? Is it some kind of condition?” Heidi asks. Dad shrugs.

“Probably, but I never got it checked up on. Everyone probably thought I was just acting like a normal boy growing up. Just... a very aggressive boy. Why do you think I got into kickboxing?” I look to my hands and scrunch up my face in confusion. So Heidi really does have a problem? Could that be why she so suddenly turned on me? Is she thinking the same thing?

“Jesus, Dad, you should have told me sooner that something might be wrong with me,” Heidi mumbles.

“You didn’t know already?” I can’t resist saying. She glares at me.

“Don’t test me, slut.” I bite back a smile at this.

“I’m going to start teaching you how I manage it,” Dad interrupts. Damn it, but I want her to hit me again. “Do you think you’ll enjoy kickboxing?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Heidi shrugs.

“We’ll find something you like,” Dad assures her. “We’ll even have Lydia join in, too.”

“You’re not gonna tell her, are you?” I ask. “About the woods? Or today?”

“Your mom?” Dad asks. “Why would I tell her? She doesn’t need to know anything that happened.” Heidi and I both breathe a sigh of relief. “You girls are just lucky nobody got arrested.”

I’m beginning to forget why I don’t like Dad. Not that I even remember why in the furthest place. 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

When we get home, Heidi rushes to her room calling Samuel’s name, probably wondering if he’s still messing around in there. I am less hasty, and as a result am subject to Mom’s questioning. 

“How was it? Where did you go?” She asks, then looks at me closer. “What happened to your face?”

“We went to the mall,” I reply, dodging her last question. I take my shoes off and put them in the shoe rack.

“The mall? That’s not team work,” She scowls, whipping her head around to glare at Dad.

“Relax,” Dad sighs, turning on the TV. “I’m getting them both into kickboxing.”

“Kickboxing? Really? That violent sport?”

“Not like we’re new to violence,” I mutter, making my way to my room.

I see my phone on charge, blinking. I turn it on to check who’s messaged me. It’s Ruth. I smile, answering her message.

We text for a while about the usual things you text people about when you’re getting to know them, and I end up finding out she’s actually really cool. I should have talked to her more at the farm. She suggests going on the group chat to make it easier for her, since she’s also talking to Heidi. I find this proposition interesting. Heidi is also in her room right now. I wonder if she’d talk to me more if it was through text, so I agree for the sake of experimentation.

** Ruth ** : Hi guys!!

 **Heidi** :  Hello !

 **Lydia** : Hiya :}

_ Ruth changed Heidi Johnson’s nickname to closet lesbian. _

_ Ruth changed Lydia Johnson’s nickname to Jayden’s bitch. _

**closet lesbian** : God. damn it 

**closet lesbian** : I’m not ducking GAY

_ Ruth changed Ruth Gagneux’s nickname to OLD LADY. _

**Jayden’s bitch** : Thats a laugh 

_ OLD LADY changed Jayden Ackerman’s nickname to hatt. _

**closet lesbian** : Okay jayden’s bitch 

_ OLD LADY changed Holly Vargas’s nickname to spanish girlfriend. _

I smile at my phone. She responded to me. I decide to push it.

**closet lesbian** : What’s hatt?

**OLD LADY** : Its what jayden is 

**closet lesbian** : and Jayden issss ... ?

**OLD LADY** : Youll see when she gets back on Saturday

**Jayden’s bitch** : Ruth Heidi punched me today $$$$$$

**OLD LADY** : EHAT

**OLD LADY** : Is thrt normsl for you two???

**OLD LADY** : Normal******

**Jayden’s bitch** : Ask Heidi

**Jayden’s bitch** : It’s happened twice already

**closet lesbian** : Wtf why would you say that ?

**Jayden’s bitch** : Is it not true? I can send photo evidence :/

**closet lesbian** : Dont

**Jayden’s bitch** : It’s loading Heidi

**closet lesbian** : Oh ffs

**Jayden’s bitch** : _IMAGE SENT_

**OLD LADY** : Holy moly that’s a big bruise!!

**OLD LADY** : Are you Okay??

**Jayden’s bitch** : Yea Heidi can barely hit hard enough for it to hurt bad with her stick arms 

**closet lesbian** : Did you not end up bleeding? I CAN hit hard

My heart pounds and I feel butterflies in my stomach. Heidi’s talking to me. I don’t want it to stop. She seems to be more capable of communicating with me if it’s through text. I could use this to my advantage in the near future.

**OLD LADY** : You made her BLEED??

**Jayden’s bitch** : Bullshit

**Jayden’s bitch** : Samuel could hit harder than you

**closet lesbian** : What? You want me to hit you again as a refresher?

_Fuck_ , yes.

**Jayden’s bitch** : I dare you

**closet lesbian** : I fucking will

**OLD LADY** : Please d o n t ohmygosh

**Jayden’s bitch** : Kay then do it

**Jayden’s bitch** : Come into my room and punch me

**Jayden’s bitch** : Go on

**OLD LADY** : Omg •~•

I wait, listening closely to the sounds of the house. I hear Samuel in the kitchen eating again. I hear Mom talking, probably ranting about something, and Dad is watching TV, obviously. I hear everyone except Heidi. I’m not even sure if she’s really in her room with how quiet she’s being. Then I hear the bed creak, and I get my hopes up. I wait a little more, but no, she doesn’t come.

**Jayden’s bitch** : Pussy

**OLD LADY** : She didn’t do it??

**Jayden’s bitch** : Nope

**closet lesbian** : I’m going to bed

**closet lesbian** : Gn

**OLD LADY** : oh na night

I don’t say goodnight. Nobody sleeps this early, her least of all. I’m still high on adrenaline, so I boldly text her privately.

**Lydia** : You sure talk to me easier when it’s online

**Heidi** : Stop messaging me or I’ll block you, I have to sleep

**Lydia** : You can’t lie to me Heidi

**Heidi** : Don’t act like you know me

**Heidi** : I was just trying not to seem like a bitch in front of Ruth

**Heidi** : This doesn’t make us friends, it’s an act, now stop messaging me

**Lydia** : Bitch

**Heidi** : Fuck off

I sigh, turning off my phone and tossing it lightly onto my couch. I don’t really believe what Heidi says. It didn’t seem like an act. Then again, she’s done a pretty good job of pretending to hate me these past few years. I almost fell for it. But no, I know she can’t really hate me. She just can’t. Maybe I’m lying to myself, but I just can’t accept that she hates me. It can’t be true, can it? 

I try to quiet my mind, instead focusing on what Dad offered earlier. Kickboxing, huh?

That’ll be interesting.


	5. Lucia Rijker Would Be Disappointed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our girls go to their first kickboxing class, and as per usual, everything goes to shit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned!  
> I would first like to say that I am genuinely sorry for not updating this story in months. The Depression™ got really bad for me, and I’ve been neglecting my obligations. So, to make up for it, I’ve got three chapters coming to you on the same day!! No matter what holds me back, I will always return and complete my duties! I will try to never let this happen again, and I would just like y’all to know that a big part of what keeps me motivated to complete this story is your comments, kudos and clicks! Knowing that there’s is at least one person out there who enjoys my work is what keeps me going, and it genuinely brightens my day to know that there are people who like what I do! Thank you all for understanding and enjoy!

** Heidi **

These past two weeks have been hell on me. I don’t know why my sister suddenly made it her mission to infiltrate my daily life with her presence, but a small part of me believed she’d give it up if I held out long enough.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

Now I’m being forced to attend kickboxing sessions with her on Saturday every single week. She’s infiltrated my god damn weekends. I don’t know how much longer I can go on with her trying to get closer to me. I wish she’d fucking stop.

That’s why I’ve bolted myself away in a place she can’t access without my permission; my room. I’ve taken extra care to ask “what?” rather than “come in” whenever somebody knocks on my door just to be sure it isn’t her, which isn’t very often considering nobody in my family ever knocks except her.

I’ve also added a makeshift lock with a fork on my door for added safety during the night. I just know she’ll try something creepy like crawling into my bed at night. I lied and told my parents that it was because I caught Samuel stuffing sandwiches in my dresser that evening when we came home from the mall.

Fuck, not the mall.

Maybe our father is right. Maybe I should learn how to control my anger. Maybe this kickboxing thing will be good for me.

For the rest of the week, I stayed in my room to cleanse myself of her presence, only coming out to go to the mall with my father, just the two of us this time, to buy me the gear I need.

It was a little intimidating, buying wraps, gloves, that good stuff, but not nearly as intimidating as the thought of having to spend my weekends with that weird, creepy, piece of shit. 

All I want is for her to leave me alone. I wish she’d stop trying to interact with me so much. It grosses me out. It pisses me off.

But maybe I should try to be more positive. Maybe if we’re forced to spend the weekend in each other’s presence she’ll have her fill and leave me alone for the rest of the week. Ah, but who knows with her? Maybe that’ll only make her bug me more. I don’t really know her that well, after all. 

She’s almost like a stranger now, and I’d like to keep it that way. Only a few weeks till graduation. Soon I won’t have to see her again. I just have to hold on until then.

I wake up on Saturday feeling nervous. I debate telling my father I don’t want to go anymore, but I know he’s probably paid for it already. I don’t want to waste money. How he’s managed to secure our lessons every weekend indefinitely is a mystery, but to be honest, is it really that big of a mystery if I never bothered to just ask where he works? He could be secretly loaded for all I know. Our college tuition could be paid in full already. Or he could be one of those people who spends money recklessly, and our mother is secretly fucking the therapist for food money. Who fucking knows with this family?

When we finally get in the car, I realise it’s not just me who’s feeling a bit jittery. There’s this electric buzz that’s bouncing around me and my father. I can tell by the twitch of his brow. I want to scream. I’ve never been this sick with anticipation. What is it in particular that I’m anxious about? 

I turn to look in the general direction of my sister in the backseat, making it look as if I’m just glancing out the window, but it probably won’t fool her. She seems jittery too, but not in the way I am. She seems excited. It makes my anxiety grow, thinking about what she could possibly be looking forward to, what she could possibly be planning.

“You’re all buckled up?” My father asks.

“Yep,” I say a bit too sharply, clicking in my seatbelt.

“Lydia?”

“Yeah,” I hear her’s click too, along with the smile in her voice. It makes me sick.

“Then let’s hit the road, I guess.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I’m disappointed yet strangely amused to find out the ‘kickboxing gym’ our father hyped us up about is actually just the regular gym everyone in town goes to for Pilates and weights.

“Dad, you made it sound like we’d be going to, like, a real kickboxing gym.” I roll my eyes. Our father sighs and gets out of the car, then he opens my door. “Dad, wha-“ he grabs my wrist and leads my hand to touch the wall of the gym.

“Can you feel the wall?” He asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, yeah, but-“

“Then its a real kickboxing gym,” he squints at me and walks away. No way was he actually offended by what I said.

“I-“

“Heyo!” My father interrupts me with a boom as he flings the doors of the gym open and waltzes in. 

“Oh my god,” I mutter to myself at his brashness, following him meekly inside. I prepare myself to face the distasteful stares of the other gym-goers, but I’m truly shocked to see that they’re all... cheering and greeting him. Like it’s some sort of pub scene in a fantasy movie. 

“Dad, what’s going on?” My sister asks, startling me momentarily as she stares at all the people coming up to either pat our father’s back or give him a hug.

“Winston!” A gruff looking man announces. “Hey, Jerry! Little Winnie is back!”

“You serious?” I hear a croaky voice call from one of the rooms. A lanky old man with a very shiny head emerges from the room and looks around. He looks so frail it almost worries me. Then he spots our father and he raises his arms up. “Oh! Little Winnie!”

“Jerry! You look just dreadful!” Our father laughs and mirrors Jerry’s actions as they embrace in a tight hug.

“I could say the same for you! Look at all those grey hairs, everybody!” Jerry ruffles Dad’s hair and points, while the crowd erupts with laughter. “What are you doing here, Winnie? Haven’t seen you since the wedding! You still live in this town?” He asks with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Yeah, I still live around here. I guess I just got caught up in married life. Never had the chance to visit the old place.” Our father sighs with a smile, looking around fondly. Jerry and the crowd laugh at this.

“Guess the wifey’s got you on quite a tight leash, huh?” Jerry quips. Our father laughs, but I can see his shoulders drop at the statement. 

“Oh! Jerry,” Our father pipes up, “these are my daughters, Heidi and Lydia.” Jerry looks over both of us with a smile, which kind of creeps me out, especially with how prominently the light bounces off his scalp when he turns his head.

“Well, would you look at that. Motel-Winston finally settled down and started a family,” Jerry chuckles, elbowing our father in the ribs. “Miss Moira must be a real keeper, eh? If you know what I mean. Must be that rack of her’s you used to come here and brag to us abo-“ Our father holds up a hand.

“Not in front of my kids, Jerry,” He groans, looking to the side.

“I get it, I get it. You’re a family man now. Well, nice to meet you, ladies.” Jerry offers his hand for us to shake. It’s bony. “My name is Jerry, and I’m one of the instructors here at the Oakley Central Gym. Can you two guess what I specialise in?” Oh no. I see where this is going.

“You don’t happen to be a kickboxing instructor, do you?” I squeak, rubbing my neck.

“Lotto! This one’s smart! She sure as hell doesn’t get it from you, Winnie.” Jerry chuckles, and our father clicks his tongue and rolls his eyes. “I taught your old man all he knows about the sport. Ever since he was a tot.” Aw, jeez. This old geezer is going to be our instructor, isn’t he? I’d be lying if I said I was okay with this arrangement.

I was picturing a young man or woman in a sporty getup yelling at us about our stance while we did jumping jacks or some shit, not an old guy who looks like he’s running out of breath just standing around.

“Five is hardly a tot. I already knew how to read by that age, which is impressive, by the way. How many five year olds do you know that came into school already knowing how to read?” Or father crosses his arms and looks to the ceiling. Jerry waves his hand dismissively at him.

“Don’t mind him. He’s just mad he didn’t turn out as smart as his own pop wanted him to be.” He begins to us. “Your grandpa and I used to be friends, did you know? And all he wanted to do was feed your dad books and mathematics, but I said that boy needs outlet! No wonder he used to be so angry all the time, doing fractions all day. I gave him lessons and it fixed him right up. Raised him when his parents didn’t want to.”

“Jerry...” our father sighs, “Look, I came here for a reason.”

“You need a favour?” Jerry puts his hands on his hips and faces our father. “Pretty bold thing to ask for coming from someone who never even bothered to call in 20 years.”

“Jerry, I wanted to call, but, you know...” Our father shifts his weight awkwardly as he struggles to find the words.

“But what, Winnie?” Jerry crosses his arms. Our father clenches his fist, a strained expression on his face, then unclenches it.

“But nothing,” He sighs. My sister and I exchange glances before I can stop myself, and I cringe, looking to the floor. That flash of blue makes me want to chuck up again. 

“That’s right, you’ve got no excuse. Whatever it is you want from me, the answer is no.” Jerry turns around dramatically, turning his nose up at my father. “If you want something, I’m sure your book maggot father can do it for you.” Our father sighs, rolling his eyes.

“Jerry,” he puts a hand on Jerry’s shoulder, “I know I may have disagreed with you when I was younger, but now that I’ve become a father, I’ve realised that you were right. You did a good thing for me growing up. Who knows what kind of rage-filled man I might have become if it weren’t for you. You were a better man than my father ever was, and I promised myself that if I ever had a kid like me, I’d do for them what you did for me. And, well...” Jerry turns around.

“No,” He says, looking at my sister and I in shock, his eyes darting rapidly between us.

“Yes,” our father corrects with a slight smirk.

“Which one?” He asks.

“This one,” my father points at me, and nudges me forward.

“Uh,” I glance around, unsure of what he wants me to do, “yes, sir, it is I who inherited my father’s genes of rage.” I do a dramatic bow. “Heidi, it’s an honour.”

“Heidi, eh?” He says, looking me up and down, “I thought it would be this one,” he points to my sister. “Lydia, right? She looks more like a chip off the old block than Miss Heidi here.” I raise an eyebrow at him.

“Well, looks can be deceiving. Lydia acts more like her mom.” Our father shrugs, and I hide a wicked grin at the insulting comparison.

“I do?” My sister asks, but she’s ignored.

“So you want me to teach Miss Heidi here the art of kickboxing?” Jerry asks.

“Actually, I was wondering if you could teach them both. You know, better safe than sorry.” Our father asks.

“Oh, Winnie, always asking and asking. Fine, I’ll teach them both. Did you want to start today?”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Our father sends my sister and I to retrieve our shit from the car, which is awkward.

“That guy’s weird,” my sister chirps. _Shut up_. I’m kind of pissed that it turns out our father didn’t even have to pay. I could have stayed home. I groan and furrow my eyebrow, reaching for the car door. It doesn’t open. Did our father forget to give us the keys?

“Damn it, Heidi. This is getting annoying.” She continues, but I walk off to go find my father.

“I have the keys, by the way.” She says, jingling them in front of me. I stop walking and turn to glare up at her hand. Then I look at her face. She’s grinning. It scares me.

I walk back towards the car and stand impatiently by the door, waiting for her to unlock it. She just stands there, staring at me.

“What?” She has the audacity to ask. She knows what.

“What do you mean ‘what’? Unlock the god damn car!” I snap, looking at the asphalt.

“Hmm? But I don’t really feel like it.” She smirks, clutching the keys in her palm.

“Our father and the old guy are gonna get impatient,” I try to steady my voice, but the scowl on my face can’t be hidden, “just unlock the car.”

“Heidi,” She takes a step forward, and I take one back, “if you care that much, just take the keys and unlock it yourself.”

“I don’t have time for your games,” I say in a low tone, glaring at her nose.

“How long are you going to keep this up?” She asks, taking another step. My heart beat quickens.

“It’s not an act,” I mutter, clenching my palm.

“That’s not what I’m talking about. You’re going to have to touch me.” She sneers.

I squint. “What do you mean?”

“All the other people in there are employees. We’re the only students, and they’re going to make us partner up. It’d be weird if they didn’t.” 

My stomach drops. 

Oh, fuck. 

Why didn’t I think of that? No wonder I’ve been anxious all day. No wonder she’s been so excited. My heart beats impossibly fast and I feel faint.

“And when that happens, you’re going to have to touch me.”

No. _No_.

“I... have to go,” I murmur, feeling the blood draining from my body and pooling in my legs.

“Heidi?” I barely register her voice, and I’m glad. I don’t want to hear it. I stumble towards the side of the building where I find a bathroom. I open it and grip the seat, not caring about hygiene anymore as I expel the contents of my stomach.

“Oh, shit, Heidi are you okay?” My sister puts a hand on my back, making me throw up even more violently. 

“S-Stop! Just stop!” I cry out when I get the opportunity. “Stop touching me! Just stop!”

“I-I’m... Sorry,” I hear my sister mumble as she retracts her hand. “Do you want me to tell Dad, or-“

“No! Just go!” I yell. I hear her finally leave.

That stupid bitch. She doesn’t know when to fucking quit it, does she?

I stay there for another minute, collecting myself. When I’m certain it’s over, I flush the toilet and wash my hands and face vigorously. My breath still smells rancid, but there’s nothing I can do about it right now other than gargling public sink water. My hair is still in place and my clothes are clean, not that it really matters too much. I have gym clothes to change into. 

I leave the bathroom and head to the car to get my stuff, but it’s empty. My sister must have taken it inside for me. That must have been heavy. When I go inside, I see nobody is in the entrance, and I peak into a few rooms before I find the one with my father and the old man in it.

“You took a while. Fixing your hair?” He teases.

“No, Dad,” I mumble, agitated.

“Go change,” he points the direction to the changing room. I look for my bag, but I can’t find it, or my sister’s. Then it hits me that she must be in the changing room, too. I feel my stomach flip again at the thought. I enter the changing room as loudly as I can to give whoever’s in there a chance to prepare themselves.

Only my sister is in there. I look to the ground semi-shamefully and close the door behind me. She’s got her clothes on, thankfully.

“I put your bag over there.” I didn’t ask. “Are you okay?”

“Stop,” I grumble, and walk over to where she’s put my bag. I flinch at the sound of something crumpling near me, and I see that she threw me a mint.

“I’ll leave you alone for now,” she whispers, and it sounds sincere. She leaves the room. For some reason, I don’t feel relieved.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“Alright, kickboxing, lets go,” Jerry says with a clap when he sees me exiting the changing room. He gestures for my sister and I to follow him to the mat, while our father watches on the benches. I notice how my sister keeps away from me. 

“Alright, now I hope you girls didn’t come here today hoping you’d get to spar. We don’t let newbies spar here. I’ll be the one to decide when you’re ready to start sparring. For now, we’re going to be going over the basics. But before that, we need to warm up.” Jerry continues to go over what to expect, which is much more thorough than what my father told us, before making us do some weird workouts that leave us sweaty and out of breath.

The old man, surprisingly, still looks like he just stepped fresh out of the snow, despite doing the exercises with us. I guess years of doing this shit kept his organs fit despite his appearance.

“Alright, good job,” He says unenthusiastically as he watches me crumple to the floor to catch my breath. My stupid sister, of course, is still standing. I tell myself it’s because I’m dehydrated, but I know I’m just not as fit. I take a swig from my water bottle as he gives us a run down on how to properly jab.

Then he tells my sister to put on her gloves.

My stomach drops. 

“What are those for?” I ask weakly.

“Alright, so what you’re gonna do Miss Heidi, is you’re going to practice your jabs on young Lydia here.” Shit. “Lydia, you hold up your gloves, yeah, like that, and keep them nice and sturdy for Heidi. Finish 20 reps and then switch. I’m going to talk to your father, but I’m keeping an eye on your form, girls.”

“O-Okay,” I mumble, feeling the air leave my lungs. 

“We don’t have to do this,” my sister whispers.

“Shut up, they’re watching me,” I stand up. I get into position, but I feel myself getting woozy at the thought of feeling my sister’s body under those gloves. “I-I can do this.”

“No you can’t,” my sister shakes her head sympathetically. It pisses me off.

“I said shut up,” I repeat, making an awkward jab that starts strong but fizzles out towards the end, resulting in my hand just barely brushing up against the glove. My body feels tingly, like little ants are crawling all over me.

“Stop forcing yourself, it’s okay,” My sister’s voice continues. Hearing her voice sends twangs of disgust down my throat. 

“Stop it, fuck.” Another weak jab. I feel my stomach contract and I hunch over, but I manage to collect myself before I chuck up.

“Are you okay, Heidi?” I hear my father ask from the benches.

“Yep,” I lie, getting into position again. My mouth is sour.

“See what I mean? She doesn’t seem to have that same rage that you did.” The old man says. I don’t think I was supposed to hear. “The other one seems to be better at this than her.”

“Heidi, you don’t look okay,” That bitch just doesn’t stop talking.

“Fucking duh. And who’s fault is that?” I hiss, throwing a strong jab that completely misses the gloves.

“Are you sick?” She asks. The question sends a jolt of rage down my body. I stop.

“What.” I blink slowly.

“I asked if you were sick,” she repeats, dropping her shoulders. She looks confused with her tilted head. It’s irritating.

“Oh my God. It’s unbelievable how fucking stupid you are.” I shake my head, blinking in disbelief. “You do know it was you that made me throw up right? Please tell me you know that.”

“I-“

“Holy shit, did you not know?” I scowl with wide eyes. “Do you have any idea how just being near you makes me feel?”

“I’m not fucking stupid. Of course I know,” She glares, whispering a bit too loudly. I glance at the old man and my father before talking again. They’re both chatting, uninterested.

“Oh you knew?” I cross my arms.

“Yeah,” She squints. 

“You knew that I was incredibly uncomfortable with your presence to the point of regularly throwing up when you’re near?”

“Yes.” She nods.

“And you were aware that I’d made it clear multiple times that I’d like to be left alone?” I feel my anger ready to bubble over.

“Well, yeah-“

“And yet you still won’t fuck off?” She doesn’t respond. Only staring at me blankly.

“Well? Explain it to me, asshole. Tell me why you won’t leave me alone? Tell me why you won’t respect my boundaries? Do you even know how horrible it feels for me to be near you? I’m sick of getting treated like the villain for getting mad when someone violates my personal space! Who decided that you were the innocent angel?” I bark at her.

“Heidi, they can hear us,” my sister looks rapidly around the room.

“I don’t give a fuck anymore! Explain it to me. Why do you keep getting near me? I just want you to leave me alone!”

“Because believe it or not, I don’t think that you really hate me, damn it. I genuinely believe that you just think you hate me because you don’t understand your own feelings. Fuck. I’ve never done anything to you.” Her hands are at her side now. Neither of us are breaking eye contact.

“Lydia-“ I begin.

“You said my name.” She points out. I take a deep breath and lower my voice.

“I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart, I genuinely hate you with every bone in my body. I think you’re fucking delusional. The me in your head that cares about you is dead, okay? That was me 7 years ago, but now that girl is fucking dead. You need to get over it.” She stares at me for a moment with her eyebrows furrowed, thinking, and then she talks.

“So you’re telling me you hate me?”

“I am.” I nod. I hate her.

“Tell me honestly, Heidi. You’re saying that if you had the chance to go back to when we were little and start all over again, you wouldn’t?” I furrow my brow.

“That doesn’t-“

“Yes it does.” She interrupts. “If it was really me you hated, then you wouldn’t go back because it would just be the same as now. But it wasn’t the same, was it? Those times were better, weren’t they?”

I don’t respond.

“Weren’t they?”

“Fuck you!” I lunge towards her with a ready fist, but in that split second I see her getting back into her stance. No way, is she actually going to fight back? 

My fist makes contact with her gloves, protecting her face. It burns from the friction, but I take the chance to punch at her stomach. She grunts, tumbling over and grabbing my shirt on the way down. I land hard on top of her and take this chance to punch at her face. She blocks again. Damn it. I hastily try to remove her gloves. She manages to kick me off her and I land on my ass, blunt pain coursing up my spine.

She’s now standing gloveless, and I’m on the floor. I try to get up but I feel something on top of me. Then I realise it’s her. She’s pinning me down. Fuck. I feel a sharp pang if anxiety, never having been in such a vulnerable position during a fight. 

I try again to punch at her face, but she grabs my arms and pins my wrists above my head. I struggle against her, and dread courses through my body when I realise I can’t move. Jesus, I can hardly budge. When did she get so strong? 

I glare up at her. She stares back at me in shock, but then her face slowly sharpens into a smug grin. It pisses me off. My senses come back to me and I register the yelling from my father and the old man. My sister sees this and hastily leans down and whispers to me.

“Sorry,” she laughs softly into my ear, her breath giving me goosebumps across my cheek.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Cool it down girls,” Dad says, lifting my sister off of me.

“Holy Hell, was I wrong about you, Jesus,” the old man laughs, helping me to my feet.

“God damn it, this isn’t a laughing matter, Jerry.” My father glares at the old man, who defensively puts his hands up.

“Sorry, Sorry.”

“Damn it, maybe having them both in the same kickboxing class was a bad idea.” My father mutters to himself, looking around at us.

“No, no, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Winnie. I haven’t seen such spirited fighting since, well, since your days. Most entertaining thing that’s happened all week at this gym.”

“What happened last week?” I ask sarcastically as I dust myself off.

“Something involving a fire extinguisher and a baby.” I give him a weird look, but Jerry just looks at all of us fondly, his eyes somewhere else, in the past maybe. “The spirit lives on. How would you girls like to start sparring next session?”

“What?” Dad shoots up. “But they’re-“ 

“Newbies? I know. So let’s keep this a secret from the other gym-goers.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

My phone dings.

**Lydia** : I know how to prove you don’t hate me

Oh, God.

**Heidi** : Stop talking to me. Just leave me the fuck alone already. I hate you. You need to get over it.

Harsh? Yes, but I’m sick of her shit. I’m sick of everyone being on her side, thinking she’s the perfect angel who fell victim to my demons. I’m sick of nobody being on mine.

**Lydia** : Jayden got back today

**Heidi** : I fucking know, we were just talking on the group chat dumb ass

**Lydia** : Jayden and I have been talking in dms too

**Heidi** : Do you think I give a fuck?

**Lydia** : yeah

Okay, that’s it. Sick of her shit. Power off time. 

I’m in the middle of fully shutting off my phone when she manages to get in one more message.

**Lydia** : She’s coming over tomorrow

My phone shuts off before I can reply.

She’s coming over tomorrow? For what? I stare at my blank phone in outrage before sighing heavily and rolling onto my bed.

Fucking hell. She can’t keep doing this shit.


	6. The Jealousy Trope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia had the bright idea to invite Jayden over for some classic piss-off-Heidi time, but it looks like Heidi actually remembered to wear her foresight today.

** Lydia **

I can’t stop moving. Jayden’s going to be here any minute now. My leg shakes anxiously as I watch the time on the clock. I pick at the sofa, and smile to myself. This is going to be fun. Or at the very least, interesting.

Yesterday, Jayden finally got back from the farm. She was being her usual flirty self on the group chat, saying things like,

**hatt** : You know you can’t resist, Lyds ;>

And,

**hatt** : Don’t pretend you don’t like my attention :)

Naturally, I could tell Heidi was pissed off when she suddenly stopped contributing to the conversation, which gave me the idea.

It was a bit of a long shot, inviting Jayden over on such short notice just to piss off Heidi, but luckily, I’m determined, and Jayden’s parents are lenient.

My heart leaps when I hear a knock on the door. It’s Showtime.

She’s a bit early, but that’s even better, I suppose. I get up and fix my hair, trying out different smiles before settling on an excited one. 

I open the door, and my smile fades and my heart sinks. It isn’t Jayden. It’s Holly.

What. The fuck.

“Aw,” She giggles, her loopy earrings and bangles clanging obnoxiously as she moves. “You looked so excited for a moment. Expecting someone else?”

Um, yeah. Why the fuck is Holly here? My brain races to remember yesterday evening. It was Jayden who I invited, right? Yes, I was definitely talking to Jayden if those lewd messages were any indicator. So then why is she here? Did she say she was coming? 

I barely register a waft of air moving past me through my jumble of thoughts, and then I see Heidi in front of me. I’m momentarily startled, taking a few fumbling steps back and watching her.

“Holly! You actually came!” She exclaims, opening her arms and embracing Holly, who hugs back tightly, smiling into Heidi’s collarbone. My stomach tightens at the sight, and I would almost be enraged if I wasn’t so confused.

“Of course I did,” Holly laughs, breaking the hug. “I’m always ready to see you.” She elbows Heidi, who smiles at her almost... almost lovingly. It makes my jaw clench and my brow twitch.

“You must be cold,” Heidi starts, and I agree. She’s dressed thinly under her coat. Just a pink tank top and leggings. She’s dressed like a porn star. Heidi moves out of the way of the door. “Come in.”

Holly walks into the living room, her jewellery clinking harshly. Heidi closes the door to follow her, and I catch her gaze before she enters the living room, giving her a confused look. Heidi responds with a glare. A different glare. A glare that almost looks smug. Like she’s got me right where she wants me.

Is she... challenging me? That’s new.

I glare back, confused, but not stepping down. She didn’t invite Holly to try and get _me_ back , did she? She wouldn’t do that, right?

I follow the both of them into the living room, and watch with contempt as Holly looks around the house in forced awe. I mean, it must be forced. Our house looks like a 50’s interior designer went through a mid-life crisis while also having a stroke, which is practically what our Mom is doing 24/7.

“Your house is so exquisitely designed!” Liar. Heidi snickers at this, leading Holly to the couch.

“If you say so,” she replies, entering the kitchen. I take a seat opposite to Holly, and she smiles at me like I’m a toddler or something. I ball my fist and force a smile back. 

My smile quickly drops when I hear Heidi calling from the kitchen.

“Do you like lemon soda?” Heidi emerges with a cold can of the stuff, and I do a double take. 

That’s my soda.

“Oh, yes, thank you,” Holly smiles sweetly, hardly catching the can, no,  _my_ can that Heidi chucks at her.

She knows that’s my soda, right? Of course she knows. I’m the only one in this house who actually likes lemon soda. So she knows it’s mine, and she’s giving it to Holly?

Is she doing this on purpose?

She walks past me to sit next to Holly, and gives me the same brief, knowing glare as before.

Holy shit. She is! What the fuck, what the  _ fuck _ ? I clench the edge of my seat, trying to dry my moist palms. I watch Holly struggle with the can, mumbling about short finger nails, and Heidi opens it for her.

I swallow dryly before speaking. “So, what are you doing here, Holly?” I ask. She turns to look at me. “Did Heidi invite you?”

Holly smiles at me and nods. “She invited me last night. It was such a last minute thing, but I managed to get here. How could I say no to such an enticing offer?” Holly says that last part to Heidi with a sly smile. Heidi rolls her eyes and smiles to the floor. I squint.

What offer?

“Where are your parents?” Holly asks, batting her eyelids to the both of us.

“Our mother’s out shopping,” Heidi answers, “and Dad’s fucking around at the gym. They’ll be gone for a few hours at least.”

“So I guess we have the house all to ourselves then, huh?” She smiles with her head lowered, looking up at Heidi.

Well that was a sorry pass for innocence. The suggestiveness in her tone is thick. How could I not catch on? It makes my blood boil.

“Well, almost,” She finishes, nodding her head in my direction. I let out a soft chuckle out of politeness, but inside I’m fuming. 

She shouldn’t be here. This was supposed to go my way, damn it. I look at the clock. I can still save this. I can still take control. I can still have things go my way. Jayden will be here soon.

“You know,” I begin, trying to stop the wicked grin that forms when I see Heidi squirm at the sound of my voice. Holly wouldn’t have picked up on it, but I did. Nervous? “They’re only out because I told them I was expecting someone.”

Holly turns to look at me curiously, but I’m more interested in Heidi’s reaction. Her face is stone cold, but I can tell she’s getting antsy with how still she is. I can tell she’s wondering what’s up my sleeve now.

“Really?” Heidi actually replies after a delay. “That’s a bit weird.” I blink.

“What is?” I ask pointedly. She doesn’t meet my eyes, but she shrugs and looks to the side.

“Inviting someone over when you knew I was expecting company,” she answers way too neutrally. “That’s a bit weird.” 

I stare at her. Why is she acting like she’s not the one who did just that? She couldn’t possibly have a plan of her own, could she?

No. Heidi doesn’t plan, she just acts. So what is she doing?

“Who did you invite anyway?” She dares to ask, finally meeting my gaze. I notice her lips are slightly upturned. Is she actually enjoying this?

“Heidi, you know who I-“ a knock on the door stops me mid sentence, and I grin at her. I see the corners of her lips drop back down. Good. Things will soon get back on track.

I get up and open the door. Jayden is there, with her iconic lop-sided grin. 

“Jayden! The person I invited!” I exclaim dramatically with open arms, wrapping them around her neck.

“Woah,” Jayden jumps, but quickly returns the hug. “Hey,” she mumbles into my ear, her breath giving me goosebumps. Her arms snake around my waist, squeezing into the curve of my back while her hand is placed firmly on my waist. I feel my breath hitch and shake as I am overcome with the feeling of being touched like this.

Her body is warm, or maybe that’s me, because I feel her release the hug and realise that we’d been embracing longer than a typical greeting hug should last. Her hands come down to cup my elbows, and I realise how hot I am, and how fluttery my stomach feels. My knees feel weak.

“You get flustered so easily,” she teases smugly, and holy shit. She’s right. I didn’t account on that factor at all. I look over at Heidi fast enough to catch her glaring, and she quickly averts her eyes. It reignites the fire in me.

If Heidi thinks she can challenge me, she can’t. She won’t beat me at my own game. Not now that Jayden’s arrived.

“Well, come in,” I mumble, cringing at how my voice trembles.

I lead Jayden to the living room, and her eyes light up when she see’s Holly.

“Holly?” She asks.

“Jayden!” Holly quickly perks up with a huge grin, getting up to give Jayden a fast hug. “Oh my gosh! Are you actually here?”

“That’s what I should be asking!” Jayden laughs, turning to me. “I didn’t know you invited Holly.”

“I didn’t,” I say through clenched teeth, pointing my thumb at Heidi, who waves dismissively at Jayden. Jayden’s eyes widen in realisation, and then she whispers into Holly’s ear, making Holly giggle and roll her eyes.

“Is this the first time we’ve hung out outside of the farm?” Jayden asks, and Holly nods excitedly.

“Wow, it’s so weird seeing you out here in the real world,” she laughs, her bangles jingling.

Holly and Jayden stare at each other fondly for a moment, seemingly taking in the image of each other in a new setting, before Jayden makes a noise of realisation and reaches for her bag.

“I brought something.” Jayden pulls out a large bottle containing a clear liquid, dangling it in presentation. I examine it, reading the label, and then my heart sinks into my stomach. It’s vodka. 

Fuck, that makes me nervous. I’ve never drank before in my life.

“Shit,” Heidi laughs from the sofa. “You’re lucky our parents aren’t home. We’d be in so much trouble.”

“Totally,” a voice echoes from down the hall, and we all turn to look at none other than Samuel, leaning against the wall with a stupid, smug face.

“Jesus, Sam,” I gasp, ready to lecture him about spying. “How long have you been-“

“The fuck are you doing here, dickhole?” Heidi interrupts me. “I thought you were with Dad.”

Samuel lets out a scoff at this, making his way to the living room. “As if Dad would ever want to spend time with me, clithead, and Mom offered to take me shopping, but I said no for obvious reasons.”

“Great,” Heidi rolls her eyes and whispers, “now we’re stuck babysitting.”

“I heard you,” Samuel squints, crossing his arms.

“That’s new,” Heidi retorts. 

Holly and Jayden look at each other, before Holly speaks. “Well, who’s this?” She asks, charmed and smiling.

“Our brother,”I respond.

“He’s a dickhead,” Heidi adds, getting up from the couch and walking over to Samuel. “Why don’t you take $20 from my room and get out of here?”

“Cause I don’t want to,” He smirks at her with that stupid smug face. Heidi rolls her eyes and sucks her teeth.

“Oh, and by the way,” he continues, “I’m telling Mom.” My heart stops at this, and Heidi and I both whip our heads around to face him, making Jayden laugh, but Jayden doesn’t understand the gravity of the threat. He wouldn’t tell Mom, right? He understands. He’s not that oblivious, is he?

“That’s not funny, shithead,” Heidi’s voice trembles slightly, and Samuel seems to notice this, his eyes softening, but then sharpening again. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t actually tell her,” he assures with a grin that almost makes you afraid for what’s next.

“Good,” Heidi nods.

“If you let me join in,” He finishes, and Heidi’s jaw drops. I let out an amused laugh. Blackmail wasn’t something I expected from him. I’m kind of proud.

“Um, what the fuck?” Heidi says with outrage. “I’m not letting my fifteen year old brother drink.”

“Well, If you want me to tell Mom,” Samuel smiles with a shrug. Heidi stares at him, then breaks out into a small laugh, pushing his head roughly with her hand.

“You’re such a dumbass, fine.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

With that, we were now a group of five all in a circle on the living room floor, the coffee table having been moved out of the way. Jayden pulls out another bottle, and places it on the coffee table next to the unfinished can of lemon soda before sitting back down. I stare at it with purses lips, before bringing my attention back to the circle.

The original bottle is being passed around silently, with only the sound of TV nonsense in the background. Jayden takes a huge swig before handing it to Heidi, who takes a few modest gulps. I feel my stomach tie into knots as it gets closer. My hands are clammy, and I try to inconspicuously wipe them on the carpet as Heidi hands it to Holly.

When she’s done, Holly hands it to me with a smile. I find it irritating, but that feeling is overridden by my peaking anxiety. I swallow dryly, reaching for the neck of the bottle with trembling fingers. Holly notices this and frowns.

“Are you okay?” She asks softly, and I nod.

“I’m just kind of nervous,” I stammer. I notice Heidi’s head turn towards me slightly, but her eyes are lowered.

“You’ve never drank before?” Holly asks with an annoying, patronising smile.

“No, never,” I shake my head. Jayden lets out a snort, cracking a huge grin.

“No fucking way, dude,” She says in between laughs. “Not your little brother having his first drink younger than you!” 

I roll my eyes at her teasing and sheepishly bite my cheek. Jayden lowers her eyelids and flashes me a smile. A softer smile. “That’s kind of cute.”

I feel my cheeks tingle and I instead bite my lip, stifling a smile as I look to my hands. I see my fingers still brushing against the neck of the bottle, and my nerves return to me, my eyebrows furrowing and my eyes squinting without my permission.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Holly reassures me, and I appreciate her comfort. Relief floods my system knowing that there’s no shame in saying no. Despite this, I hesitate.

To be honest, I do want to try, but I’m afraid. I don’t know how I’ll act when I’m drunk. I mean, what if I do something I regret? What if I do something that completely resets the progress I’ve made with Heidi? Like, shit, she’s actually been talking to me. I know it’s only so that Holly doesn’t think something’s up, but that’s still so much better than before. I don’t wanna mess that up.

“I think,” I purse my lips, lowering my hand, ”I think I’ll sit out for now.”

“Pussy,” Heidi and Samuel mutter simultaneously, although you could tell Samuel was only mocking me. The way Heidi said it was with contempt. It kind of hurt, but I brush it off.

“My turn!” Samuel pipes up, snagging the bottle from my hand before I can react. Everyone lets out a noise of surprise as he dramatically throws his head back and downs huge gulps of the stuff.

“Jesus!” I exclaim.

“Woah, woah, woah, hey,” Heidi suddenly lunges forward to grab the bottle from Samuel, but since I’m right next to him she has to make an awkward swerve to avoid touching me, giving Sam enough time to move out of the way. No one notices the motion but me, as per usual. Heidi grabs and lowers Samuel’s arm, snatching the bottle back and holding it protectively to her chest. Despite Samuel’s coughing and sputtering, he’s grinning like an asshole.

“Jesus Christ, Sam,” She scolds, giving him a firm glare. “Take it easy on your first time, fuck.”

This gave me an idea.

“What makes you so sure it was my first time?” Samuel mocks.

“Yeah, he downed that bottle like a pro, shit,” Jayden adds. “I like you, kid.”

“Actually,” I speak up. “I would like to try.”

Everyone turns to look at me, Holly and Jayden looking particularly excited. Samuel just looks smug, like he thinks he inspired me or something. Heidi, on the other hand, is eyeing me cautiously. 

She’s holding the bottle by it’s neck. It’s the only way you  can hold it. It’s shaped in such a way that you can’t wrap your hand around the body securely enough not to drop it, and you’d look silly trying to hold it with two hands. Therefore, the only way I could receive the bottle is if our fingers touch. I feel my belly flutter. My heart pounds with excitement. Yes, this will work. Baby steps. 

“‘Kay,” Heidi grumbles, planting the bottle firmly in the centre of the circle.

Well, fuck.

Now I have to drink it, or I’ll look silly. I feel Heidi’s eyes on me. Whether she’s glaring at me or just watching me, I don’t know, but I know she knows what I tried to do. I hesitantly reach for the bottle.

I bring the opening to my lips with a soft grip that dares to let the bottle slip out of my grasp. I’m immediately hit with the aroma, and I don’t like it. It smells like chemicals. I feel everyone watching me. I tip the bottle so the poison covers my lips. It tingles a little. I briefly wonder if I can get away with pretending to take a sip, before thinking fuck it, I kind of want to know what it’s like.

I close my eyes and take my first shy sip, trying to remember how many gulps Heidi had since she knows more about this shit than I do. I hear Jayden and Holly cheering for me, and Samuel laughs. Heidi isn’t doing much of anything, but I know she’s watching. 

I try to match my memory of Heidi, but the burning gets too strong and I have to stop.

I cough and blink away tears, slamming the bottle down and holding the back of my hand to my lips as I wait for the sensation to stop.

Shit, either my pain tolerance is really low, which it isn’t, or this really isn’t Sammy’s first time. I’m not sure how I feel about that. When does Samuel ever drink? With his friends? He doesn’t seem to hang around the type of crowd that drinks underage, but then again, maybe he does. I don’t know his friends that well, with not attending his school and all.

I look up and am met with Heidi’s stare. She’s giving me an indescribable look, but it’s intense. We hold eye contact for a moment, but then she lets out a soft chuckle and lightly shakes her head, like she can’t believe me. She gets up.

“Does anyone want snacks?” She asks. Everyone mumbles a chorus of ‘yes’ and ‘thank you’, and Heidi enters the kitchen.

I take notice of the now empty spot next to Jayden, and seize my opportunity, plopping myself down next to her. She flashes me a smile, and I smile back.

I invited her with a goal, and I’m going to complete it.

Holly gives me a knowing look, and despite having originally been irritated with her presence, I can’t help but give her a sly grin in response. It’s kind of nice to have a cheerleader.

Heidi returns with a wooden tray in her hands. Her footsteps falter a bit when she see’s where I’m sitting, but she just clicks her tongue and sits on the other side of Holly, this time sitting even closer than before.

Holly gives me an excited smile at Heidi’s new proximity, trying to get me to celebrate with her, but I only manage to give her a forced, unenthusiastic laugh in return. I see her face drop, and I feel bad, but I just can’t support her when it comes to Heidi.

“Alright,” Heidi begins, placing the tray down. “We’ve got some chocolate bars, a few packs of raspberries, chips-“

“Mine,” Samuel chirps, swiping the bag of Lays and popping it open.

“Share, asshole,” Heidi scolds, “it’s called being polite.”

Samuel stares at her in annoyance for a moment, before his gaze becomes serious.

“I’ll share, but only with you,” he says.

“What?”

“I’m serious, have some.” Samuel pours Heidi a way-too-huge helping into her hands, before turning around and fucking with the TV remote.

Jayden reaches forward for the bottle, and while she drinks I look towards Heidi. She’s sharing her chips with Holly while they both watch TV. I clench the clothing around my belly, willing my anger to calm, but it doesn’t. Instead, I wait.

I wait for Heidi to turn to my general direction, and then when she does, I scoot closer to Jayden, making sure our legs touch and my body leans against hers.

Jayden gives me a soft look, and she puts her hand on my knee in response, slowly bringing it up my leg before faking out and wrapping her arm around my waist. I shudder, suddenly feeling my body flush, and I try not to give off how flustered I am.

I’m pleased with the way Heidi’s eyebrows twitch at this. This is so childish, but it’s working.

For a moment I think Heidi is going to say something, but then something flickers in her eyes and she closes her mouth and turns towards Holly, whispering something into her ear with a smile, and Holly giggles, whispering something back. They shuffle closer together. It feels like a punch to the gut, and it succeeds in fully pissing me off, watching them be all secretive like that.

She’s excluding me again.

“You look funny,” Jayden whispers into my ear, startling me. “And you’re really warm.”

I don’t feel funny. I don’t even know if I’m drunk yet. I feel normal, and despite being pissed, I even feel a bit relaxed. Like my nerves are gone. Then again, I heard drunk people don’t know when they’re drunk, and I don’t know if I’m drunk.

“I feel funny,” I respond, my voice coming out a little shakier than I anticipated.

“You’re so cute like this,” Jayden whispers as she hands me the bottle, and I blush, revelling in the feeling of being held. I haven’t had a real hug in a really long time. It feels good. I lean my head on her shoulder, and Jayden lets out a fond chuckle. “Told ya I’d have you under me.” I roll my eyes at her, but then close them, savouring the sensation of being able to hear someone else’s heart beat and feel someone else’s warmth. I take another few sips from the bottle. That warmth also starts to feel good, too.

God, have I really been that lonely?

“Really? I’m right here,” Heidi squints at Jayden, but Holly puts her hand firmly over Heidi’s signalling for her to let it go. I see Heidi become uncomfortable with this, glancing over to Samuel, who’s still watching TV. I forgot she’s not out to everyone yet.

Then he turns around to reach for the food tray, and freezes, looking us over.

“God, are you guys gonna start lezzing out?” Samuel finally says with a deadpan expression.

“W-What?” Heidi stammers out in shock. I look at the scene. Between me practically being in Jayden’s lap, and Heidi being within necking distance of Holly, it’s not an unreasonable assumption.

“What are you looking so surprised for?” Samuel asks, then he smirks. “You think I didn’t know?”

“What are you talking about?” Heidi squints, but Samuel just rolls his eyes. 

“That you’re, you know, gay?” He raises an eyebrow teasingly. Heidi freezes up at this.

“What? How did you know?” She asks almost frantically, her voice wobbling. Jayden and Holly look at each other.

“Well, I’ve always known. I’m pretty sure everyone knows. I didn’t know Lydia was gay too, though. That’s new.” He turns back around and starts munching at his raspberries, attention drawn back to the TV. I feel a little exposed now. I’ve always known I wasn’t straight, but hearing it being said out loud is a little rattling, but it also feels... nice.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Heidi stammers out, and Samuel turns to face her again in annoyance. “Everyone?”

“Well, not everyone, obviously,” Samuel sighs in exasperation. “But like, your friends at school definitely know. Pretty much everyone at school at least suspects it. Maybe not your ex, but-“

“No, he knows,” Heidi laughs awkwardly. “What about Mom and Dad?”

“Nah, they don’t care enough to notice that kind of stuff,” He turns back around again. Everyones silent for a moment, taking in the conversation that just happened.

“Well, don’t tell them,” Heidi mumbles, breaking the silence.

“Why would I tell them? I want you alive, dumbass,” He groans. “Now let me watch my show, fuck.”

Heidi smiles at the back of Samuel’s head before turning to look sheepishly at the floor.

“Are your parents super homophobic or something?” Jayden asks. Heidi shrugs.

“I dunno, we never talk about that kind of stuff. I just kind of assumed they were.”

“Ha, same,” Jayden finger guns, passing Heidi the bottle. It’s almost finished. I watch her swallow the last of the liquid before reaching for the second bottle. I stare at the surely flat lemon soda just next to it, and I give it an anguished glare.

Why did Heidi invite Holly here? I need to know for sure. I need to know what her goals are.

I see Heidi take a sip from the new bottle, before handing it to Holly. Holly drinks a bit more, and leans closer to Heidi, giggling a little, making her jewellery clink. It clinks with every one of her movements as she gets closer. I can’t look away.

“H-Heidi,” a voice says, and I realise, it’s mine. Heidi blinks slowly, glaring to the carpet.

“What?” She mutters.

“Can you help me in the kitchen with something?” I ask, getting up. She sighs, getting up as well, knowing she can’t say no without coming off as a dick.

When we finally get past the door, she breaks the courteous facade.

“The fuck do you want now?” She hisses, staring me down. I glare at her.

“Why did you invite Holly?” I ask. Heidi’s eyebrows furrow and she looks to the floor.

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Just answer,” I mutter, putting my hands on my hips. “Why? You knew I was inviting Jayden, so you invited Holly to do what? Piss me off? To flaunt how close and Lovey-Dovey you are?”

Heidi crosses her arms and looks at me up and down with distain, then she breaks out into an amused smirk.

“You’re actually mad at me, huh?” She says, shaking her head. “It doesn’t feel good, does it? Being on the receiving end of your games. I just wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine.”

“What are you talking about?” I leer, leaning in closer.

“You always do this shit,” she growls, taking a step forward. “You always string me along your little games, trying to force me into acting a certain way so you can get confirmation that I actually give a fuck about you or something. Am I right?”

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I don’t know what to say, so I just lower my head. Heidi continues.

“It doesn’t count as confirmation if the way I acted was only after you so carefully made it so that that’s my only way to react.” She takes another step. She’s so close to me. I can feel her hot breath against my cheek. She reeks of booze. “I told you already. I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, hate you. I hate you, okay? Why can’t you just accept it?” Every sentence feels like a punch to my gut, and I feel my throat start to ache.

“Because I-“

“Because you want things to go back to how they were?” Her body softens from its offensive pose, and she shakes her head. “Things aren’tgoing to go back.” She opens her arms. “This is how it is now, and I need you to accept that. Please, just stop making everything so difficult for me. I just want you out of my life, for fucks sake.”

“What did I even do to you?” I ask, startling myself at how quivery my voice is. She doesn’t say anything. She just drops her hands and heads for the door. I grab her shirt, stopping her. She whips her head around and gives me a deathly glare.

“Tell me, asshole. What did I fucking do to you?” I ask louder than I anticipated, feeling tears start to prick at the corners of my eyes, and then they spill as a wave of emotion hits me.

“Exist,” she mumbles, and I let go of her clothes in exasperation. That was hardly an answer.

“Okay, then can you at least tell me what you offered to get Holly to come here?” I ask through tears, wiping at my eyes uselessly. Heidi hesitates for a moment, looking to the door and then biting her lip.

“Hey, um,” she begins softly, her demeanour doing a complete 180. “Can you sleep on the couch tonight?”

“You’re asking me for a favour right now?” My jaw drops and my face contorts into a look of shock. “Fuck you!”

“Alright, fuck you too!” She yells, “Suffer, then! See what I care? I’ll still fucking do it!”

“Do what?” I ask between sobs, tilting my head.

“Just shut up, fuck.” Heidi frantically opens the cabinets, before finding some rubber gloves and putting them on. “I need to make it look like I was actually helping you with something. Since you never fucking plan anything.”

“Are you kidding?” I say offended, making a noise of shock. She’s the one who never fucking plans. Miss punch-you-in-the-food-court.

Heidi opens the door before she can answer, and I have no choice but to follow her. She dramatically takes off her gloves and throws them into the trash.

“What were you doing?” Holly asks with a small laugh. I see that the new bottle is very noticeably emptier.

“She gave birth,” Heidi answers, and I roll my eyes in agitation. At this point she’s so drunk I can’t tell if she’s kidding or if she thought that was a legitimate answer.

“Why are you crying, mi muñeca?” Holly asks me with a sympathetic expression.

“Cause Heidi’s an asshole,” I sob, plopping down next to her. She pouts her lip and rubs my back. It feels good, so I give her a hug, which feels even better.

Heidi’s phone dings. She checks the message, taps the screen, and then speaks.

“Mom said she’s gone to a party with Dad and won’t be back until midnight.” 

“Do you guys wanna play a game, then?” Samuel turns around, and I notice he’s the most sober looking out of all of us. Everyone seems to be swaying, with a goofy smile and a glassy look to their eyes, but he seems almost normal despite having drank the fastest out of all of us, and currently drinking from the bottle.

“What, like spin the bottle?” Jayden asks with a laugh. Samuel gives her a look of disgust.

“No way, man. Like, three of us here are related.”

“What about a video game?” Holly suggests, still holding onto me, and Samuel perks up. 

“Hey, yeah! Dad has some of his games in the basement.” He gets up and starts heading for the basement door.

“You mean the ones he doesn’t like us using cause they mess with his scores?” Heidi asks, lying down on the floor with an arm over her forehead.

“Precisely,” He responds, disappearing underneath the house.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The game is an old one of the racing genre, and after hooking the console up to the TV and inserting the game, Samuel presents two controllers and explains the rules.

“So, you all know how to play this game, right?” He asks. Everyone mumbles a ‘yeah,’ and he smiles. “Ok, good. So, to make this more interesting, let’s make it a competition. Everyone will take turns racing each other, and if you lose, you have to sit out until there are only two people left. Those two people will race, and the winner...” Samuel reveals a strange little ox statue, and Heidi’s eyes widen and she sits up. “... will get to take home this hideous statue!”

“Hey, that’s mine, asshole! Give it back!” Heidi lunges forward, tackling Samuel and trying to wrestle the statue out of his hands. Samuel just laughs evilly, standing up and holding the statue above Heidi’s head. She tries to get it back, but he’s got slightly longer reach, and Jayden, Holly and I laugh at the sight of her stumbling.

“God damn it, why can’t you offer something of yours?” She finally asks, out of breath.

“Because,” Samuel grins, “wouldn’t it be funny if I won and had this thing on display in my room, and you couldn’t do anything about it?”

“Dickhead,” she mutters. “I’ll win it back.”

And so we all sit down around the TV. We roll dice to see who gets to go first, and it’s Samuel vs Jayden.

Jayden and Sam race for a bit, making quips at each other. It’s a close race, but in the end Jayden wins.

“Fucking loser,” Heidi teases when Samuel sits back down next to her. “How’s it feel having to sit out for the entire game?”

“Feels like shit,” he mutters, slouching.

Next is Jayden vs Holly. This one is more entertaining to watch, as Jayden seems only tipsy, while Holly is much more drunk. She bumps into walls and lets out little yelps when she makes a mistake, and the both of them are laughing and having a great time. Holly makes a particularly silly mistake, causing Jayden to hysterically laugh to the point of being unable to control her character, leading to Holly’s unexpected win.

So then it’s Holly vs me.

The last time I played this game was with Dad when I was a kid. He’d sit Heidi and I down on either side of him, with a toddler Samuel in his lap as we watched him play. After a while, Heidi would bug him, begging him to let her try. He’d sigh and go into the menu, and pull a second controller from the media cabinet.

“I’ll let you play, but not against me. You have to let your sister race you,” He’d always say.

“But why?” Heidi would ask.

“Because you’ll cry if you lose,” He’d tease, and that would get Heidi real mad.

“Sores loser!” Samuel would chant in quick succession, slapping Dad’s leg, although the baby talk made it hard to understand him.

“This is stupid,” Heidi would grumble, but she’d take the controller anyway and race me. She always won, but not because she was better than me. It was because I let her. She’s always been shit at video games, but she used to throw angry tantrums if she lost, and even now she still gets disproportionately upset when she loses at something. I never wanted her to cry, so I let her win.

I take the controller from Jayden and sit myself down next to Holly, who’s still giggling residually. Then the race starts. I do well on the first lap, but my mind keeps wandering to the past, only to be brought back by the sound of Holly winning the second lap.

And then I realise.

The last person left to race is Heidi. If I win, Heidi and I will get to race. But if I lose, well.

I look at Holly. She’s focusing on the game with her tongue sticking out. Jayden and Heidi cheer in the background for her. She’s thinking the same thing, isn’t she?

But I won’t lose. I turn my strategic brain on, and will myself to focus. Focus. You’re good at this game, I tell myself. You can do this.

The finish line is drawing closer, and it looks like it might be a lost cause. Holly is closer, and with power-ups disabled I likely won’t be able to gain speed. But then I remember the shortcut near the end of the race. I take a hard right and go through the shortcut, landing myself in front of Holly the second she reaches the finish line, and I win.

Jayden and Samuel cheer for me, although Sam sounds a little less enthusiastic, and I smile at the screen.

“Oh, well,” Holly sighs, raising her hand. “Good game.” I high five her with a smile, and then she hands Heidi the controller. 

Heidi looks a little agitated. She probably wanted to race Holly instead. The thought makes my body hurt.

The game starts. I instinctively lessen my skills, making sure not to drift too much to let Heidi overtake me. Heidi gets smug, cruising along, and even falling off the map without a care knowing I won’t beat her. The first lap finishes with Heidi winning, and the second lap begins.

“Why am I so shit at this game?” I mutter dramatically after I throw myself off the map, making Jayden and Holly laugh, but not Samuel. He just stares at me and shakes his head.

I’m good at this game and he knows it. I’ve beat him way too many times for him not to know. He knows I’m purposefully letting Heidi win. I just hope he doesn’t say anything.

“You’ve always been so shit at everything,” Heidi mumbles quietly. So quiet, that only I can hear it. It hurts. It hurts knowing she thinks I’m shit at everything when I’m only looking out for her feelings.

No, more than that, it makes me angry.

I feel myself gripping the controller tighter, and then with my skilled hands I’ve won the second lap. Heidi’s jaw drops, and she glances at me in shock before turning back to the screen and hunching over her controller with her eyebrows furrowed. Holly and Jayden both cheer for me, and Samuel just stares with amusement.

After all I’ve done for her, because I never wanted her to feel bad, she just stabs me in the back. I never wanted her to cry, but I’ve cried so many times because of her.

I focus on the game, my character fuelled by the hurt of betrayal that courses through my body.

Why did she betray me? Why did she fucking betray me? 

What did I do?

I feel the controller lift out of my hands and make a startled noise as I look down at the sock covered foot trying to flip it out of my grasp. It’s Heidi’s foot. She’s trying to sabotage me.

I’m surprised by her out of character action, chalking it up to the alcohol, but I still move the controller away and lean to the side to stop her from reaching it. She clambers over with a grunt and knocks the controller out of my hand before quickly returning to her game.

I scramble to pick it up and manage to once again overtake Heidi, blocking out the shocked laughs of everyone else in the room.

And then I win.

“Huh,” Samuel chuckles with a smile, grabbing the ox from the table. “Lydia won.”

“What the fuck?” Heidi whips her head to me, giving me a harsh glare and a scowl. She’s clutching the controller tightly.

“What?” I say, raising an eyebrow. “I won.”

“No you fucking didn’t! You suck at this game!” She looks me up and down in shock. “Did you cheat? Tell me how you won!”

“Heidi,” Samuel puts a hand on her shoulder. “Maybe... maybe you suck at this game?”

Heidi stares at him for a moment from eye to eye. Holly and Jayden have both stopped laughing, watching this unfold. Then Heidi lowers her head and glares up at him.

“Oh, shut up, Samuel. You’re not even part of this,” She mutters dismissively. Samuel’s jaw drops, and then it closes again, hard enough to hear his teeth click. He puts the ox back on the table and removes his hand from Heidi’s shoulder.

“I’m not part of this? Is that what you said?” He asks, his fist balled.

“Uh, yeah?” Heidi snaps aggressively, squinting at him. “You weren’t even supposed to be here. You just invited yourself.” I see Samuel swallow hard in response to this.

“You’re so stupid, Heidi!” Samuel growls. “Did you really not consider that I just wanted to spend time with you guys?”

“You spend time with us every day, dumbass!” Heidi shouts back, standing up and looking down at Samuel. “You fucking live here!”

“I know, I know! I live here, too, right?” He says with an exasperated smile, his arms extended. “So isn’t it fucked up how we never do anything together?”

“What are-“

“No! Let me talk, okay?” He interrupts, standing up to face Heidi. His expression softens and his voice lowers. “You notice, don’t you? Dad never spends time with me, and Mom is always so mean to me. That’s why I used to love spending time with you guys. It was an escape, you know? It was nice just having the three of us hang out, where there weren’t any adults to be cruel to us.”

I chew my lip nervously as I watch them argue. He misses those days too, huh? My heart hurts for him. He looks so pained. I hate seeing him like that.

“We used to be a trio, remember?” He continues. “We used to do everything together, and now we don’t.” His expression hardens as he glares at Heidi. “And do you know why?”

“Don’t say it,” Heidi mutters, suddenly becoming very still and frigid.

“It’s because of you, Heidi,” He finishes, his voice cracking. “I can never spend time with both of you anymore. It always has to be one or the other, because you fucked everything up.”

“So its all my fault? All of it?” Heidi asks, scowling at him. “So if I wasn’t born such a monster, everything would be fine?”

“Yeah,” Samuel spits. Heidi clenches and relaxes her fist several times, glaring at him, before settling on tugging her shirt. I can hear the seams start to rip.

“Fuck off, Samuel,” she mumbles.

“What? Are you gonna start treating me how you treat Lydia now?” He taunts with a shout.

“I said fuck off!” Heidi yells, so loud I worry the neighbours are going to call someone. I stare up at her with concern, but her stance has changed completely. Now she’s slouched over on herself, like she’s her own blanket. She just looks like a wet puppy.

“Please,” she whispers. “I don’t wanna hurt you too.”

Samuel stares at her for a while, looking over her body, before meeting her eyes again. His mouth opens, but then it closes, and he averts his eyes.

“I hate you, Heidi,” He mumbles, and then he storms off to his room. Heidi watches him leave with the most anguished expression, and I see her eyes have become damp, and she blinks in rapid succession, sitting back down softly.

“Heidi?” I say quietly, reaching my hand for her. She gasps and moves away like it would have hurt.

“Back off, Lydia!” She shouts at me, before again slouching down on herself protectively. I retract my hand and rub my fingers together nervously.

Jayden moves next to me, placing her hand on mine and giving me a reassuring smile. She whispers to me.

“Guess this was a bonding moment, huh?”

“Was it?” I mouth in response, watching Holly reach a hand out to Heidi. I watch Heidi stare at Holly’s palm, before putting her own palm on top, and she seems to melt, scooting closer into Holly’s embrace.

“Oh yeah,” Jayden continues. “I don’t really know what’s going on, but getting your feelings out in the open is really good stuff.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The evening carried on without Samuel. I offered to check on him, but Jayden encouraged me to give him space, so I left him alone. It was awkward, trying to move on from the blow up that took place, but then it was 9PM, the past few hours having been a blur of drinks, bets, and video games.

Heidi didn’t quite seem like herself still. She’d been a little more quiet and withdrawn, but still managed tojoke around with Holly and Jayden when prompted. She’d made more of an effort to ignore me, though, which is a little scary, but I chalked it up to her just being pissed at Samuel.

After our 25th round of whatever game Heidi managed to find in Dad’s stash, Holly whispered something into Heidi’s ear. It sure must have been something interesting, because Heidi bit her lip and looked at the carpet, her face tinted pink, and nodded.

“I’m going to get ready for bed, guys,” Holly chirps with a giggle, stumbling down the hall. “Night!”

Jayden and I wish her goodnight, but Heidi just watches her walk, like she’s in a trance. I didn’t even know Holly was staying the night.

“Actually, I’d better get going too,” Jayden announces, getting up. “It’s pretty late, and it’s a school night.”

“Aw, shit,” Heidi groans, slapping her hands to her cheeks, “that completely crossed my mind. I’m gonna be fucking hung over tomorrow. Fuck, Jayden. Why’d you have to bring drinks?”

“Cause I’m a dumbass,” Jayden laughs, offering me her hand. “Care to see me off?” I smile at her, placing my hand in her palm, and she hoists me up. “Just stay home tomorrow, Heidi.”

“I can’t, my friends are going to think something’s up,” Heidi moans in response as Jayden walks me to the door.

“How are you getting home?” I ask her, now out of earshot from Heidi.

“Uber,” She responds, still holding onto my hand. 

“They’ll be here soon. Wait with me?” She asks with her head tilted. I nod.

Jayden and I sit on the curb outside the house. I look around at the gently rocking trees, and up at the sky. I relish in the unique smell of the outdoors at this hour, feeling the cool night breeze on my cheek. I’m dressed a little too thinly for this lightly snowy weather, but even the uncomfortable coldness feels good. It’s been a while since I’ve been outside at night, just enjoying the atmosphere.

I think the last time was when I was walking behind Heidi on our way to that school party.

“So, uh,” Jayden softly begins. “Now that we’re alone, I wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it?” I ask, turning to face her.

“Just to be clear, uh,” she rubs her neck, looking away. “You... like me, right?”

I stare at her thoughtfully. Truthfully, I don’t know.

I like her attention. I like that she’s another person who touches me, and compliments me, and who’s so clearly into me. I like how she makes me feel, but I don’t know if I like her.

I mean, fuck, if it was Holly who suddenly decided to treat me the way Jayden treats me, I’d probably feel something, too. So maybe, it’s really not her that I like. It could have been anyone. There’s nothing special that connects me to her.

But I know that I really like how she makes me feel. She makes me feel good. I want her to keep making me feel good, so I say,

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“Really?” She perks up, her classic smug, lopsided smile looking more shy and awkward.

“Well, yeah,” I smile at her, shaking my head. “I thought it was obvious.”

“Oh, well,” Jayden begins, slowly becoming more smug and like herself. “Did you want to do something about it?” She gives me an intense look, and I notice how her pupils dilate, with the moon reflected in them.

I look at her lips, and then back into her eyes, and I see her irises flick upwards, realising she was doing the same. She leans closer, and I reciprocate. I want to feel good.

And then we’re kissing. It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before. It’s not so much the feeling of her lips clashing against my own that’s doing it, although that’s also enjoyable. It’s more the way she wraps one arm around my neck and the other firmly grabs my wrist. She kisses me again, and I kiss back, wondering if I’m doing this right.

The hand around my neck falls to the arch of my back and presses firmly, and that action goes straight to my groin. I break the kiss for air, breathing deeply, watching her lips as she does the same. I use my spare hand to ball her clothes in my grip, pulling her closer.

Our lips connect again, and this time she let’s go of my wrist to use both her hands to hoist me onto her lap by my waist. She then wraps an arm again into the good spot on my back, and the other one gets tangled in my hair.

It feels warm. Everything feels warm. I don’t even notice the cold anymore. Everywhere is warm, like her entire self is consuming all of my senses.

She carefully moves my hair from my neck, and then she plants the first delicate kiss on it. It tingles throughout my body, and I gasp.

“ _Hah_..” I involuntarily whimper, feeling her continue the onslaught. I hear her chuckle softly into my neck, each puff of air gently stroking my skin. She continues to kiss while I hang onto her hair, and then the kissing turns to licking.

I feel myself becoming unbearably hot. My grip on her hair becomes too tight, and I push her head harder into my body, demanding more of this good feeling.

She slowly licks from the base of my neck to the bottom of my chin, and I bite my lip, holding back a moan, but it comes out anyway as a strangled noise.

“Hm, you like that?” She teases.

“D-Don’t... haah... Don’t ask me that,” I sputter out. She then puts her lips on my neck again and suckles softly on my skin, and it sends a jolt of electricity to my clit. I feel myself start to ache down there, and I clench the fabric on her back. She plants a kiss where she sucked on my skin, and I sigh.

Then she stops. We stare at each other, breathing hard. The only thing that can be heard is our panting and the sound of the wind rustling the leaves.

“The Uber guy is probably really close.” He’s not the only one. “We should stop.”

I nod, and get off her lap. Just as I collect myself, the Uber arrives, and Jayden has to go.

“I’ll text you later,” she says, and then she’s gone. I watch the car leave, and then when it’s out of sight I clamp my hand hard over my lips, finally feeling the situation. Holy shit. I curl in on myself. Holy shit, holy shit, holy  _ shit _ . 

I just had my first kiss.

And it was with a girl.

And it was with Jayden.

And it felt so fucking _awesome_.

I stay like that for a moment, a buzz of energy on the curb, before getting my shit together and going back inside.

When I turn around I realise that the curtain was open.

Fuck.

I go back inside, and I don’t see Heidi. I check the kitchen, the hallway. She’s not there. I feel myself relax, realising she must have gone to bed already.

I look around at the mess. The console is out in the open, with games scattered all over the floor. There are two empty vodka bottles lying on their sides, and that damn can of soda is still there.

I sigh and wonder what our parents would think, slightly annoyed at everyone for failing to notice the mess they’ve made. I clean it up.

When I’m done, I start walking down the hall. I walk past Samuel’s door, and I see that his lights are off. I decide to let him sleep and continue walking. I reach for my doorknob, when I hear muffled voices. I freeze, listening closely.

“You’re so ticklish, Heidi.” I make out Holly’s voice, though it sounds round and muffled through the door. And very quiet.

“Shut up,” I hear Heidi laugh. I purse my lips and go into my room, knowing I’ll be able to hear better through the wall.

I close the door behind me, sitting on my bed cross legged. Listening.

“Just hold still, okay?” I hear Holly ask way more clearly now, though it’s still slightly muffled.

“I’ll try,” Heidi mumbles. Then I hear the sound of fabric rustling and the... bed creaking. 

What are they doing?

“Fuck, this is embarrassing,” Heidi chuckles softly. “And I’m kind of cold.”

“Here,” Holly responds, and I hear the sound of a blanket being draped over what I assume must be Heidi. “But you’ll be warm pretty soon.”

I can practically see the lustful look on her face. 

God, I know what they’re going to do. So that’s what Heidi offered to get Holly to come here? To let Holly fuck her? Jesus Christ. I should probably stop listening, or put on some music, or a movie, or something. 

But I don’t. I _can’t_. 

Instead, this realisation only makes me listen harder and more intently.

“Watch me,” Holly says. I hear the bed creak, and the sound of light footsteps. Then I hear fabric being stripped off and dropping to the floor. 

Most of all, I hear Heidi’s low exhale.

“Wow...” I hear her chuckle awkwardly. “You... actually did that.”

“Mm-hm,” Holly responds. I hear her walk back to the bed. “Now you don’t have to be embarrassed.” Heidi lets out a small laugh at this.

“I’m still embarrassed.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “Now I’m just embarrassed with a naked girl in front of me.” 

“I still have my underwear on.”

“Wanna change that?”

“Not before you take your pants off, stupid.”

Then I hear a big movement on the bed. They must be changing positions.

They’re very silent for a moment. I only hear breathing. Then Heidi speaks.

“This is so surreal,” she mumbles. “I’ve never done this with a girl before.”

“What about on the farm?” Holly asks.

“We didn’t really go that far on the farm.”

“Hm, right,” Holly giggles. 

“Really!” Heidi exclaims a bit loudly. “We didn’t even undress!”

“Isn’t that so romantic, though?” Holly whispers. “Being able to say you fell in love on a farm?”

I roll my eyes at this. I’d hardly say they’re in love.

“About as romantic as saying you met your fuck buddy while scooping poop,” Heidi replies sarcastically.

“Okay,” Holly laughs. “I’m going to take your pants off.”

“Okay.”

I hear the sound of Heidi’s pants slowly being pulled down her legs, followed by the sound of her clothes being dropped on the floor.

Again, there’s silence. But this silence is soon followed by the sound of skin slowly dragging along skin.

“Your body...” Holly mumbles in awe. My fist slowly bunches up my bed sheets. I hear Heidi slapping her hands over her face.

“God, why would you- That’s-“ Heidi trails off, and Holly giggles lightly.

“You’re so cute, Heidi.”

The bed creaks again, and I hear what I assume is Holly shuffling downwards.

Oh...

I bite my lip, bracing myself for what’s about to happen.

Then I hear Heidi _whimper_. It’s soft, and small, and the sound goes straight to my crotch. 

Fuck.

I feel my tummy pool with shame. My throat closes. I feel like I’m going to choke. That shouldn’t have felt as good as it did. Fuck. That shouldn’t sound so _nice_ to me.

But I don’t stop listening.

I hear the sound of fabric being raked across slowly, over and over again. Heidi’s breathing heavily but slowly, matching the pace of what I assume must be Holly’s fingers.

“Does that feel good?” I hear her ask.

“Mmh...” she whimpers again. “... yeah.”

“Turn around.”

Heidi moves, and then I hear the sound of her underwear being taken off. It hits the floor with weight. She must have worn lingerie or something. I pick at the fabric above my heart. I don’t like how that makes me feel. 

I hate the butterflies in my stomach. I hate the heat in my panties. I hate how fucking turned on I’m getting.

Is it the alcohol? Is it because of the way Jayden left me on the curb?

“How’d you get this bruise on your ass?” Holly asks with concern.

“I, uh, got it during kickboxing,” Heidi mumbles dismissively.

I furrow my brow. When did Heidi get a bruise? We didn’t even... oh.

When I kicked her.

That’s...

I lick my top lip, a new feeling coursing through me. No, not new. A familiar feeling, and I like it. I place my hand tentatively on my thigh, and rake my fingers.

What is this feeling? I’ve felt it before. I felt it when she punched me in the snow. I felt it when she tackled me in the mall. I felt it when she fought me during kickboxing. I felt it every time she lost control.

Every time I made her lose control.

Every time I took control away from her, and gave it to me.

“Does it hurt?”

“A little.”

“I’ll try not to touch it.”

Then I hear Holly’s mouth open.

“F-Fuck,” Heidi breathes out. “It’s- hh-ah..”

“It’s what, darling?” Holly teases through a low quality of voice.

“It’s h.. hot. Your tongue..” Heidi manages through gasps.

I can’t take it anymore. My clit is throbbing. My underwear is damp. My body feels warm.

I reach for my waistband, and try to quietly slide my pants down. Listening.

“Mmhh... _hah_..”

I suck in a sharp breath through my nose and furrow my brow. I place the pad of my finger on my clit, and slowly start moving it in small circles. The warmth of my hand feels good. I keep listening. 

With every small whimper of her’s, a jolt of pleasure makes my breath go shaky and heavy, and I resort to holding my breath. I keep rubbing myself slowly, only stopping occasionally to breathe.

“Hah..” Heidi’s voice cracks particularly loudly. “Your fingers..”

She’s being..

I look down at myself. This is so pathetic but I... I’ve already gone this far. I’m already so wet. It already wants it so bad.

I slowly slide a finger into my entrance. It feels weird. I’ve masturbated before, but I’ve never actually fingered myself until now.

“Hm.. how does it feel, Heidi?” Holly asks sweetly.

“Fuck..” Heidi breathes sharply. “I can’t.. it- h-ah-“

“You’re gonna cum already?” Holly asks, half teasing and half surprised.

“I’m trying not to-“

I tilt my head and look at the hand between my legs. I don’t hate it, but it doesn’t feel particularly good. It just feels like.. pressure. But Heidi seems to like it. Maybe I’m doing something wrong.

“Wow,” Holly giggles. “You’re really boosting my confidence here.”

“F-Fuck off..” Heidi’s starting to pant, and her voice comes out in weak little whimpers. “You’re h-hitting a good spot.”

A good spot? There’s a good spot? I move my finger around, trying to find the aforementioned ‘good spot.’ My finger grazes against a slightly raised, bumpy area inside me, and I immediately know I’ve found it. My body tenses when I press it. It feels good, and sends a shiver down my body, but it doesn’t feel as good as Heidi makes it seem.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Heidi whines. She sounds so small. I’ve never heard her sound so small. “Everywhere you touch me feels s-so good.”

That sends another big wave of pleasure coursing through me, and this time I feel it strongly where my finger presses against that little ridged area. My lips part, and I jolt forward harshly, grasping at my sheets with my other hand. Now I understand. It feels good when I’m turned on. It feels so good.

“Ah, fuck!” Heidi suddenly yelps elatedly. I hear the lewd squelching of Holly’s fingers inside her going faster, mixed in with the sound of Holly’s giggles and Heidi’s erratic gasping.

I try to match her pace on myself, going faster. I make sure to hit that spot, and with every little noise Heidi makes, that spot throbs with ecstasy. I go harder. It feels good, but it’s not enough. I want more. I need more.

I switch out my hands, so that my left hand is the one now fingering me. My right hand is put back to use on my clit. I go back to rubbing circles. My legs clench together, and I try not to move to much, but it’s becoming harder to stay still and quiet. 

I’m trying so hard to control my breathing, but with every shaky moan from Heidi, I squeeze my clit, letting the feeling radiate in me. I try to stop myself from panting, but the way I’m so lightheaded from holding my breath is only turning me on more. My head is pounding. My eyes are shut tight.

I start to notice Heidi’s sharp little squeals and gasps are becoming quieter, until I hear them stop. I would almost think they were finished if it wasn’t for the sound of Holly’s fingers still going at it.

And then suddenly Heidi _whines_. It’s whimpery, and soft, and it sounds so needy. The pure ecstasy in her voice sends shivers down my legs.

I can’t. It sounded so nice. I replay the sound in my head, until I feel myself teetering on the edge. 

And then I cum. Hard.

It wracks my body. I feel myself pulsing around my finger, still stroking myself through every wave. Tears prick at my eyes, and I can’t think. I can’t do anything but let the feeling run its course.

Then it’s done. I try to catch my breath, ignoring the guilty thoughts in my head. The thoughts of what I’ve done. What I did it to. What got me off. I let them bounce away. I focus only on the fact that that was the best orgasm I’d had in a long time.

“Who’s room is next to this one?” Holly asks, and my heart plummets. Why is she asking that? Did I make a noise? I didn’t accidentally make a noise, did I? I pull my pants back up, listening in on their conversation.

“Why?” Heidi asks, her voice still a little too shaky.

“I heard, like, a moan. That’s Lydia’s room right?” I freeze in horror. Holy shit. Holy  _shit_ . I did make a sound. Shit. I fucked up. Why did I think I could do this?

“Uh, yeah,” Heidi mumbles.

“Oh,” Holly giggles, and I hear the bed creek as two pairs of footsteps gather their clothes. “Guess Jayden got her way after all, huh?”

“Dude, gross.”

Okay. Okay, maybe I’m safe. But wow. They think I’m with Jayden? Like, getting fucked by Jayden? That’s super embarrassing, but it’s way, way better than the alternative, I guess.

I start to relax, lying down on my bed for a moment to recover from the orgasm, and the shock. Then I head to the bathroom to wash my hands.

It’s there, staring at my tired looking face in the mirror where I remember that Heidi watched me walk Jayden to the door.

I shove my face into my hands, feeling myself burning up with shame and regret. I feel like crying. She fucking knows.

I go back to my room and try to sleep, haunted by the thoughts that run through my head. Does she know I was masturbating? Does she knows I was specifically masturbating to her? Will she bring it up tomorrow? For the first time, I kind of wish she still wasn’t talking to me. God, she probably thinks I’m such a creep.

Just when I come to terms with the fact that I might not sleep tonight, I hear my bedroom door creek open, just a bit.

I sit up, peering into the darkness. I can make out a shadowy figure watching me, but their features are so blended into the hallway that I can’t tell who it is.

“Samuel?” I mumble, squinting at the figure. They walk in, and close the door behind them. I watch them stumble and sway towards me. Okay, so whoever it is, they’re drunk. They stop at the side of my bed, and I squint at them, mentally cursing my blackout curtains for this blinding darkness.

“Hei-“ my voice gets cut off by her hands clasping over my mouth as she uses all her strength to push me back into a lying position. Panic sets in, and I struggle against her hold on my skull, before calming down when I realise she’s only sitting next to where I lay, and that I can breathe.

“Shut the hell up,” she hisses at me, slightly slurring her words. “God, everything about you is so fucking loud.”

She slowly removes her hand, and I sit up against the wall.

“What are you doing here?” I ask quietly, but apparently not quietly enough, because Heidi gives me a harsh look and puts a finger over her lips.

“Holly’s sleeping,” she whispers at me sharply, before her face becomes neutral. Then she breaks out into a silent giggle, laughing at nothing. I grimace.

“Did you drink some more?” I ask. She suddenly stops.

“Shut up, I came to confront you,” She leers. My jaw drops, but I quickly close it again.

“For what?” I ask, immediately regretting my question. It’s so obvious what she’s here for.

“For being a fucking creep,” she crosses her arms, looking me up and down with disgust. Then she tilts her head. “Did Jayden leave you too hot and bothered on the curb or something?”

“Wha-“ I begin, but I’m cut off by her tangent.

“I saw your weird little make-out session outside. What a brilliant idea to leave the curtain open for me to watch, huh?” She shakes her head at me.

“The curtain?” I babble, trying to get a word in. 

“Why do you always do that? Why do you try to piss me off so much?”

“But I-“

“Have you ever considered that maybe I wouldn’t hate you so much if you stopped being so weird and scheme-y all the time?”

“But I really didn’t plan the curtain thing!” I finally manage to say, and it’s the truth. For once, that wasn’t part of my plan.

“Oh, sure. Just like the million other scenarios you didn’t perfectly lay out for me.” She rolls her eyes, her sarcasm thick. Of course she doesn’t believe me.

God, I hate being humiliated like this. This is so embarrassing. She’s sitting in my room. She knows what I did. She knows I did it to her. Like, fuck. No, no I can take control. I can turn the tables.

“How... long did you watch?” I ask, tilting my head at her.

“I-“ Heidi stammers, taken aback. Good. “Why would you ask that?”

“Well, how do you know Jayden left me on the curb?” I continue with a smirk. She stares at me with an expression between shock and shame. I lower my head to look up at her. 

“And you call me the ‘fucking creep.’” I grin. “Wow.”

“I know she left you on the curb because you were both on the curb, and Jayden had to leave eventually,” Heidi explains, trying to talk her way out. “It’s the only logical assumption, dumbass. It doesn’t mean I was watching. You were literally on the curb the entire time.” I raise an eyebrow.

“The entire time?” I tease, shaking my head at the way she foolishly exposed herself.

“F-Fuck off, that’s not creepier than whatever the fuck you were doing,” Heidi aggressively whispers to me, her face once again in a look of disgust. 

“Huh, well,” I mumble, now embarrassed. Heidi is silent for a moment, looking me up and down. I look away the entire time. Every second is agony.

“What were you doing?” She squints at me, breaking the tension.

“Don’t make me say it,” I mumble, looking away.

“Say it,” she orders, staring at me intensely. My mouth opens, but I take one look into her eyes and shame fills me before I can speak. I mean, what am I even supposed to say? I was masturbating to the sound of you, my sister, getting railed? Sorry that the sound of your moans turned me on. I can’t admit that. God, why does she want me to say it? She knows exactly what I was doing.

“You’re not going to talk?” She asks. “You’re so pathetic, and you’re such a fucking creep.”

“God, are you just here to make fun of me?” I ask, still looking away. She seems to have confronted me about being a horny perv, so why is she still here? I can’t take the embarrassment anymore.

“No, I told you I’m here to confront you,” She furrows her brow.

“Haven’t you done that alread-”

“About the time in the woods.” I blink at her.

“What?”

“When Mom was being a bitch to me, and I left to go on a walk, you followed me into the woods, remember?” She asks me.

“Well, yeah-“

“And then you kept trying to piss me off like you always do for some fucking reason, and then I got fed up and busted your lip.” She continues to recount, and I give her a bored look.

“So are you just telling me a story, or-“

“No! Just fucking listen for once, okay? Don’t speak, only listen.” She snaps, and I jump and nod my head with pursed lips. “When I punched you, you.. you gave me a.. weird look. You were in the snow, and you wiped the blood from your lip and you gave me a weird look.”

“And then you threw up,” I deadpan. 

“Shut up, fuck.” Heidi groans. “It’s because the look you gave me was weird. Like, really fucking weird. I feel sick just remembering it. I feel sick right now because of what you just did. You have to remember the look, right?”

Well, the look Heidi’s giving me right now is unreadable. She looks desperate, but I don’t know why. Why does she want me to remember so bad? I mean, I do remember, but I don’t see what telling her could possibly do for her.

“Um, yeah?” I respond skeptically.

“So what did it mean?” She asks, looking almost pained. I feel myself start to sweat.

“The look I gave you?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t know. I don’t really remember every aspect of my life, Heidi,” I lie, trying to make it seem like her question is outlandish, but it’s not. I just don’t want to answer, because the truth is, I do remember.

I remember how the pain made me feel. I remember how the look on her face made me feel. I remember how the blood going down my chin made me feel. It was euphoric, and it made me hungry for more. But I can’t fucking tell her that.

“You think I stop and think about the meaning behind every facial expression I make?” I continue.

“God fucking damn it, you just said you remembered!” She barks, almost breaking her whisper.

“Yeah, I remember the look. I don’t remember what it means.” I shrug.

“Ugh, whatever,” Heidi groans, getting up and walking to my door. “I know what you did, and I know the look you gave me in the snow.”

She opens the door, and she gives me one last look, her voice becoming very quiet. “It better not mean what I think it means, because that’s fucked up. You’re so fucked up.”

I know.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

At the breakfast table, Mom pitifully looks at us all while handing us her famous home cooked meal. I say famous, because her cooking anything is so rare that her meals get attention just by existing.

“You all look so tired,” she pouts, positioning herself so that Holly can see her expression. “Did you sleep?”

“We stayed up late watching movies,” Holly answers, the rest of us knowing this isn’t a real question, or a real conversation. 

“Oh, that’s nice,” Mom smiles. “You know, my girlfriends and I used to stay up late watching movies too, but back in my day...” and then mom goes on a tangent about her glory days of being a hot, young, 20-something while Holly is forced to listen.

I look around at the dinner table. Samuel is next to me. He has his head on the table with an arm surrounding him like a nest. He’s staring at nothing, seemingly thinking about something, but he might just be resting. His hair is disheveled, and his shirt has stains around the collar.

Holly is quite the opposite. She is sitting in front of me, looking as chipper and smiley as ever, albeit a bit bored with Mom’s story. She’s going home after breakfast, while Samuel and Heidi have to go to school.

Heidi is sitting farthest from me. Her head is rested in her palm, and she’s picking at the eggs on her plate. I try not to stare, but there’s a slight crease between her brows. She looks troubled.

“Oh!” Mom perks up. “That reminds me, I have a photo album to show you what it looked like. I’ll be right back.”

Mom heads to the attic, and we take this time to resume to a normal conversation.

“Your Mom talks a lot,” Holly giggles. “It’s cute though, she seems so sweet.”

Heidi chuckles awkwardly at this, putting her fork down and splaying her arm on the table to lay her head in a fashion similar to Samuel. “Ugh, God I’m so hungover. My head is pounding so bad right now.”

“Yeah, same,” Samuel groans, “and I hardly remember a thing from last night. I think I blacked out.”

I hardly feel hungover. I mean, I feel a bit bleh, but I don’t think I’m hungover. Holly doesn’t seem too bad either. A quick google search told me that Vodka doesn’t really give you a hangover, but everyone reacts to alcohol differently I guess. 

“Me too,” Heidi mutters. “Like, I remember Jayden coming over, but then everything’s like a blur after that.”

I see Holly’s shoulders drop at this, and I feel a little bit of disappointment as well. 

Heidi doesn’t remember anything from last night. Not the argument in the kitchen, or me making out with Jayden, or me masturbating to her, or even the talk we had after. She doesn’t remember any of it. 

I should be relieved that she doesn’t know any of the embarrassing things I did last night, but really I just feel hollow and empty. I kind of wanted her to remember. 

I just... I feel like I’ve lost something. 


	7. A Secret You Don’t Know About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi realises she’s not so close to her friends anymore, and when you don’t have friends, who’s still there for you?

** Heidi **

I’m a fucking idiot.

I grimace at a shiver that courses through my body, and I pull my coat tighter over myself, hiding my hands in the warm space between my arms and my waist. It’s a particularly cold day in nowhere town, and I hate it. I glare down at the snow underneath me and walk faster.

I’m a fucking idiot who’s getting real sick of this snow. It crunches under my feet obnoxiously with every step I take. It’s so irritating that I debate just taking the long way to school on the path.

God, does it ever not snow in this town?

It’s everywhere, all the time. It invades my days and haunts my nights. It pisses me off beyond belief.

If I ever told anyone they’d think, God damn, Heidi. Are you really so offended to the point of screaming by snow, Heidi? It literally doesn’t do anything, Heidi. It just exists, Heidi. Maybe you shouldn’t be such an angry bitch, Heidi. 

But I can’t help it, okay? I don’t know why I’m like this, but I know it’s out of my control. I can’t help but be irritated by this blindingly white stain in my life that never ever goes away.

It reminds me too much of her.

I cringe as memories of last night flood my brain, and I close my eyes and grip the hair at my scalp to try to calmly ride the wave of embarrassment. 

It never fucking works.

I feel my face heating up at what I did. I outed myself to my brother. Then I blew up at him over a stupid game in front of my new friends. Later I had sex with Holly while my sister was awake in the next room. Finally, I had to pretend to be drunk off my ass so I’d be able to confront her about it without blushing my head off.

God, I’m such a fucking idiot. Why did I do that? Regret. Regret. Regret.

When Sam said he blacked out, I couldn’t deal with the shame anymore. I took the opportunity to lie about not remembering what happened last night, and that’s what makes me the biggest fucking idiot in the world.

Because now I can’t talk to him about what he said. Not without blowing my cover at least.

I mean, it’s not like he’d remember if I brought it up anyway. But even so, those feelings are still there inside him.

He feels excluded. He feels alone. He blames it on me. Most of all, he apparently hates me.

That hurt. A lot.

I mean, I know it’s not true. He doesn’t hate me. If he hated me, then what I said to him wouldn’t have hurt him at all.

And also, he snuck food into my bag again.

I pretended not to notice how heavy it was on the way out the door, but by the time I was out of sight from the house I was almost blinded by tears. I’d cry if it weren’t for the fact that if I did, the cold would glue my eyes shut.

But even knowing it was just something said in anger, it was still painful to hear. It was scary. For a second I was terrified that I might lose him. I know I treat him like shit, but I really do love him. He matters to me so much. His is the only relationship I have that’s actually been stable throughout my entire life. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost that.

Does that make me a hypocrite? 

Either way, I’ve really fucked up now, because I can’t talk to him.

But this feels refreshing. For once, I’m worrying about my brother and not worrying about... her.

I’ll try not to think about her at all today. I need a break. 

I finally reach the school, and I feel a pang if anxiety. In December I’ll be graduating. That’s really, really soon. I can’t say I’m not looking forward to it though. I just have to stay here long enough to get my diploma, and then I’m out. I’ll move somewhere far, far away and I’ll never come back. No more mother. No more sister.

I think I’ll keep in contact with Dad and Samuel, though.

“Heidi? Is that you?” I hear Isla ask, as if she’s surprised to see me. It’s been a running joke in our group lately, on account of my recent disconnect from my friends.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s been years, right?” I roll my eyes, grabbing the strap of her bag and dragging her down the hall with me.

“Decades,” she smirks.

“Where are the others?” I ask, scanning the area.

“I don’t fucking know,” she shrugs. “Sit down.”

We sit on a bench near a water fountain in the halls, chatting idly about our morning and what classes we have while we quickly copy each other’s homework. 

Somewhere in the middle I vaguely register eyes on me, and I look up to see Samuel drinking from the fountain.

“What are you staring at?” I deadpan. He rolls his eyes and finishes his drink, wiping his lip. He goes to walk away, but I make a noise and pat the seat next to me, beckoning him to sit with us. I want to talk to him. There’s got to be a way to talk to him without blowing my cover right?

“I’m not sitting with you,” He laughs, giving me an embarrassed smile as he continues walking. “You guys are weird.”

“Oh, whatever,” I call back. “I’ll find you at lunch.”

“Please don’t,” he mutters in annoyance, walking away. At least he’s acting normal. Well, somewhat.

“Your brother is so cute, Heidi,” Isla swoons, watching him walk. I give her a grossed out look.

“Oh god, not this shit again,” I mutter to myself. Isla whips her head at me, but before she can say anything, Courtney and Kylie find us.

“Oh my god, is that Heidi?” Kylie starts, and Courtney giggles.

“Where have you guys been?” I ask, ignoring the rip.

“We were just visiting Kristen,” Courtney answers, sitting down on the floor in front of Isla.

“What?” I ask in confusion, giving her a weird look. “Why were you visiting Kristen?”

Everyone turns to look at each other, before turning back to look at me.

“Heidi, Kylie is dating Kristen,” Isla informs me.

“What?” I gasp. Causing Courtney to laugh and Kylie to look away awkwardly. “When did that happen?”

“Like, ages ago?” Kylie answers. “You didn’t know?”

“No, I didn’t know,” I reply. 

“Actually, Heidi,” Courtney begins with an almost shy tone. “We’ve noticed you’ve seemed kinda.. spacey lately.”

“Really?” I try to say as neutrally as possible, suddenly feeling very exposed.

“Yeah,” Kylie adds. “Like, last week you missed out on two days of school and didn’t tell us why. And also you didn’t come with us to the movies that one time.”

“Basically, we’ve just been wondering if everything’s, you know, okay at home?” Isla asks. I swallow hard. To be honest, it isn’t. I mean, it never is, but these last few weeks have been, uh... you know. I notice my jaw is tensed, so I consciously relax it, and give them a forced smile.

“Yeah, everything’s the same. I guess I’ve just been a bit stressed about graduation.” I lie. Partially, though. 

“Same, it’s freaking me out how close it’s getting,” Isla says, holding her arms tightly to emphasise her point. “But it’s good that everything’s okay.”

“Yeah,” I mumble, trying to think of how to change the topic. “But yeah, good on you for leaving that other guy, Kylie. He was a douche. Was it Duncan Lears?”

“No, that was last year. It was Jack Olsen.”

We trail off on a conversation that mostly includes ripping on Kylie for having a new boyfriend every month, but my mind is somewhere else. I’m... really out of touch with my friends now, huh? It’s almost more fun just hanging out with Jayden and Holly.

But what am I saying? It only seems more fun because they’re shiny, new friends, while my school friends seem boring because I’ve known them since grade 7. Any thought of ditching my friend group should just go out the window right now.

Although, I guess I won’t be seeing much of them anymore after we graduate. That goes for Jayden, Holly and Ruth, too.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

** TW: MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS. TO AVOID, SKIP TO THE NEXT [-.-.-.-] **

After some of the most mind numbing classes in my life, which mostly included just telling us how to behave during the graduation ceremony and talking about colleges, it’s finally lunch.

As promised, I set out to find Samuel. He’s sitting in his usual place behind the fat tree with his weird little friends, and I go up to them.

“Found you,” I say with a smirk, stepping into their circle.

“God damn it,” Samuel mutters, and I notice how him and his friends have ceased conversation, with most of them averting their eyes while they fiddle their thumbs and play with the ropes of their sweaters.

“What are you dorks talking about?” I ask.

“Nothing, just stuff about video games and shit,” Samuel replies with obvious annoyance.

“Okay, well I’m stealing you,” I say, grabbing his arm and hoisting him up. He doesn’t resist. He just picks up his bag and lets me walk him to a more secluded part of the courtyard.

“I was busy, clithead,” He rolls his eyes as I sit him down on the grass by the fence of the school.

“Yeah, dickhole, talking about league of legends is so important,” I quip, getting comfortable.

“It is to me,” he mumbles, looking away, and I realise I hurt his feelings, which isn’t what I wanted at all.

“I-I know it is,” I smile at him softly. “I was just joking.” He seems to be confused at this, tilting his head at me like a certain someone always does, but I shake the thought away.

“Why are you acting so weird?” He asks, finally smiling, even though it’s only slightly. “Did you need something from me, or...?”

Ah, fuck. I didn’t really plan this. I don’t know how to go about doing this. How do I even begin to try talking to him about the things he said? This would be hard even if he remembered, but since he doesn’t remember it seems almost impossible.

If I wasn’t such a dumb fuck I could probably say, “so you said some concerning stuff last night when you were drunk,” but I can’t say that because I’m an idiot who impulsively makes decisions and never thinks about how they could impact me in the future. God damn.

Why did I have to pretend not to remember? Why can’t I ever just take responsibility for the way I act instead of running away? Jesus Christ, dude.

“Uh, sort of,” I respond, rubbing my neck. “Look,” I open my bag and pull out the sandwiches and chips he secretly shoved into it this morning.

“Oh,” Samuel turns away, laughing awkwardly. “That’s what you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Sort of?” I cringe, not really knowing what I’m doing. I pull out a bag of Lays and give it to him. “Here.”

“No, I’m full,” Samuel says, shoving it back to me. “You eat it.” I furrow my brow at this in confusion, but put it back anyway.

“So... lately you’ve been trying to feed me a lot,” I begin. Samuel lowers his head at this. “You’ve been weirdly insistent about it too.”

“And you want me to tell you why?” He asks, not looking at me.

“Well, yeah, I guess.” This wasn’t the topic I was really here for, but he’s opening up about something, so maybe something progressive will come out of this.

“Well, uh,” he begins, shuffling awkwardly. “It’s because I... care about you.” He meets my eyes, and I feel myself growing a lump in my throat.

“What?” I ask, hating how my voice cracks.

“B-Because I care about you. A lot. Like, I really care about you, Heidi,” he gushes, looking just as embarrassed as I do. “If I ever say something like I... hate you or something, it’s not true. You’re my big sister and I love you, and I know you’re struggling with your anorexia but I’m trying to help and I’m here for you, and I just want you to be healthy and-“

“Wait, wait, wait,” I interrupt, genuinely confused. “My... anorexia?”

“Well, yeah,” Samuel shrugs, giving me a sympathetic look. “I know you’re anorexic.”

“Why would you think that?” I ask, shaking my head at him in shock.

“Well, back when Mom was about to send you to the farms, I made an anorexia joke, in kind of bad taste to be honest, about you throwing up your food every day or something, and you acted really sus about it,” Samuel explains sheepishly, fiddling with his bracelet.

“That’s bulimia, Sam,” I deadpan.

“Ah,” he says, staring at me with a stupid face for a moment. “Well, I’d probably say, ‘oh, so you’re bulimic,’ but the way you’re looking at me is making me think I’m wrong about that, too.”

We stare at each other, dumb founded, before bursting into laughter.

“No fucking way,” I gasp through laughs. “This whole time you’ve been trying to feed me because you thought I had an eating disorder?”

“Holy shit,” Samuel cackles. “I’m so fucking dumb, oh my God.”

“Yeah,” I say, calming down. “you’re such a dumbass, Sam, but, um, it was really... nice of you to care so much.”

“Bro, of course I care,” Samuel smiles at me. “You’re my sister.”

“Well, I, uh, I love you too, by the way,” I mumble, scratching my cheek and looking away. “And if you ever need to talk about anything, literally anything, I’m here. For real. I’m always here for you. Whatever you want to talk about, I’d never judge you.”

“I know,” He smiles, looking away. “I think... I think I’m alright now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” He shrugs, getting up. “As long as you know that I don’t... that I care about you then I’m okay.”

“Okay,” I say, more to myself as I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

“I’m gonna go back now,” Samuel says, walking backwards. I nod.

“See you after school,” I call, and go to close my bag. I notice that somehow, every bag of chips is missing.

Bastard.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

My friends asked me to meet them at the mall after school. I said yes, because I’ve said no too many times.

So why am I walking home with Samuel?

“That tree looks like you,” Sam points at a particularly skinny and crooked tree. The same one he points at every time we walk down this street.

“I do not look like that,” I roll my eyes. I’m just walking him home, I tell myself. I’m going straight to the mall after this.

Well, we get home, and I drop him off.

“Aren’t you coming in?” He asks.

“I have to be somewhere,” I say, and pivot on my heel. To the mall, I say. To the mall. Just walk. To. The mall.

But my feet aren’t listening. I’m not heading in the direction of the mall. I’m heading down the road, past streets of houses both familiar and unfamiliar. Then I reach the edge of the town, where the forest line is, and I cross it.

Damn it.

The snow crunches under my feet again, but it’s less irritating this time. In fact, I actually like it. I like being here in the woods. Even though I hate how empty it is, these woods remind me of a better time. I block out the thought that I will never get those times back again, instead focusing on the happy memories of back when the town was small and underdeveloped.

Lots of people moved here when I was around 12 for business purposes once the town started expanding and shit. Lots of new kids. The small town feel was gone. I miss it.

Then I reach the cubby. It always looked prettier in the snow. Almost like a real cabin. Just a really small cabin.

I stand in front of it, admiring how nice it looks in the snow for a moment before opening the door and bending down to enter. I freeze when I notice the figure of someone sitting inside. A squatter? _Finally_. I peak around the door and see that it’s not a squatter. It’s _her_. Suddenly and disproportionately filled with rage, I get up and slam the door, making her startle.

That bitch. Every time I try to come here, she... Wait.

Why is she here?

I stand outside the cubby, debating whether to turn back or to actually ask her. 

After everything that we said to each other last night, I really don’t want to talk to her, least of all see her. It’s embarrassing, and it’s gross. I hate knowing how she feels about me.

I know what she did. She got off on me. That’s not even the worst part.

The worst part about that night is something I don’t even want to admit. I know it’ll come out sooner or later but I’m not ready to admit it to myself, and I know if I walk in there I’ll come face to face with it.

So why am I turning around?

I crouch back down and tentatively open the cubby door again. I see her there, sitting with her knees to her chest and staring at a wall. She turns to look at me and gives me a weird look between smugness and embarrassment.

“You came back,” She smiles. I roll my eyes and glare at the floor, walking into the cubby. I don’t know why, but I want to be here with her. Well, I mean I don’t. When I’m around her, I still feel sick. I still feel that gross combination of fear and disgust.

But I’m starting to get addicted to the rush I feel being near her. I hate it, but that’s how it is now. I feel awful around her and I like it.

“What are you doing here?” She asks me, nodding her head towards my school bag.

“Fucking suicide,” I roll my eyes sarcastically. My eyes land on a familiar silhouette in her hand, and I see that she has with her an ox statue. My ox statue.

“What are you doing with that?” I ask accusingly, as if she could possibly do something sinister with a wooden ox.

“You guys left it on the table this morning,” She answers.

“Right,” I deadpan, “so why do you have it?”

Then I remember that I’m not supposed to know why the ox was in the living room.

“Wait, why was it on the table?” I quickly save myself. “Did you take it from my room?”

“Why would I be in your room?” She shakes her head at me with an annoying smile. I glare at her. “It was on the table ‘cause you guys did a weird competition last night and Sam made your statue the prize.”

I bite my lip awkwardly and stare at the floor. The cubby is around the size of a really small bedroom, and with all the dressers and shelves and chairs and shit scattered around, it doesn’t make much room to sit. I’ve wedged myself against the wall, but I’m still closer to her than I’d like to be.

“That sounds stupid,” I mumble.

“Do you... really not remember anything about last night?” She asks with an irritating, sad look to her face. “Anything at all?” 

“Not really,” I shrug, “I remember Jayden arriving, and she was grinning at me all cockily too when she hugged you. I also remember getting snacks and shit, but after that is hazy.”

God, I’m so annoyed with myself. I mean, look at this shit. I’m actually having a civilised conversation with her. _Fucking miracle._

She gives me a weird look, and I wonder if I said something wrong.

“You said this morning you only remembered up until Jayden arrived,” she prods with a tilted head and furrowed brows. Oh shit.

“Yeah, well,” I panic, trying to think of an excuse. “I was really hungover this morning, dumbass, so excuse me if my facts aren’t perfect.” I say, with a bit of a bite to my voice.

“Jeez, alright,” she smirks. “I was hardly hungover.”

“You’re bragging?” I squint. Leave it to my sister to be a smug asshole.

“Oh, well, it’s not much to brag about,” she shrugs with a knowing smile on her face. It makes my stomach churn. “Since the internet told me that Vodka is the least likely drink to give you a hangover.” 

She leans in closer to me and whispers. “Interesting, isn’t it?”

This bitch.

“So what? You- You think I’m lying? Is that it?” I bark, crossing my arms at her. 

God, of course my stupid sister would be able to see right through it. She’s such a fucking... I don’t know! Jesus Christ, can she calm down with her freaky way of making me feel so transparent? It’s like I can’t hide anything from her!

“I don’t know, Heidi,” she rolls her eyes with a grin. God, that pisses me off. Her stupid, knowing face. “I do know that Holly seemed fine, though.”

“Yeah, and? Samuel was just as hungover as I was!” I yell, trying to get myself out of this verbal corner. “How do you explain that? Maybe it’s genetics! God knows you’re probably adopted.”

“Wow, I’m adopted?” She laughs. “You’re really reaching, Heidi. I’m the spitting image of Dad.”

“Unfortunately for you,” I mutter with an eye roll.

“And besides,” she continues, eyeing me. “You’re acting pretty weird. Almost like you’re... hiding something.”

“Oh please,” I grumble. “You probably just want me to remember ‘cause I did something nice for you or some shit. You’re such a creep for me, and it’s fucking weird.”

“What is it that you’re hiding from, Heidi?” She smiles evilly, ignoring my argument bait. She leans in closer and squints at me. I feel like I’m suffocating. “Did you do something you regret?”

“The time capsule!” I sputter out in a claustrophobic panic.

“What?”

“The... the time capsule. The one we buried behind this thing, remember?” I explain, bullshitting my way into a different topic. I just want her to stop talking. To stop talking like she knows my every thought

She stares at me, almost like she’s laughing at me internally. Surely she knows what I’m doing, but the potential in this conversation must be more valuable to her than trying to get me to admit that I was lying.

“Of course I remember, Heidi,” she smiles with a shake of her head. “What about it?”

“Don’t, uh, don’t you wanna see if it’s still there?” I suggest.

“Okay,” she grins. “But this just proves you were lying.”

“God, shut up,” I roll my eyes. She just laughs and exits the cubby, leaving the ox statue inside. I grab the ox and put it in my school bag. Why’d she bring it here, anyway?

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I follow her around the cabin to the back, and then we realise our first predicament. We don’t have a shovel.

“How are we going to do this?” She asks with her hands on her hips.

“Don’t know,” I respond. “Our hands?” This is a shitty suggestion on my part, because I don’t really feel like getting my hands cold and muddy. It’ll ruin my gloves.

“Um, how about no,” she gives me a distasteful look, and scans the area. She makes a noise of surprise and goes to pick up two pieces of wood from the floor. She shakes the dirt and snow off them, and hands one to me.

I take it and examine it. It’s slightly curved, so it looks like it should be good for scooping the snow away, but it doesn’t look strong enough to handle the dirt. It’ll probably snap. I open my mouth to tell her this, but she’s already scooping.

I can’t help but laugh a little at how determined she is to find it. I mean, of course she is. I know how bad she misses the past. I relent and start scooping a little bit farther away from her, not really remembering the exact place we buried it.

“Ah, shit,” I hear her hiss. I look over to see that just as I predicted, her piece of wood got snapped by the dirt.

“Why are you digging over there?” She asks, turning to look at me.

“I- uh, well I don’t remember where it is,” I answer. “I thought you didn’t either.”

“It’s right here,” she smirks.

“You remember?”

“Yeah.”

I make my way over, and see that she’s using the small, broken piece of wood to disturb the dirt, but she’s not really making much progress.

“Ugh, damn it,” I sigh. “Here.”

I crouch over the small patch of dirt and start scooping it out with my hands. I was right about it being really gross. The texture is just awful, and the wet dirt is slowly turning to mud and sleeping through my gloves. I grimace, but then I finally feel something hard and metallic.

“I think I found it,” I say, eyes widening.

“Pull it out!” She gasps excitedly. I resist the urge to roll my eyes and tell her I was already doing that, and instead pull the silver canister out from the ground.

I place it on top of the snow and examine it. It’s smaller than I remember, and it definitely used to be blue, but I chalk it up to old age.

“It looks different,” She remarks, and I nod.

“We’re probably remembering it wrong.” I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I take it out to check.

**Isla** : Where are you??

**Isla** : We’re at the food court. hurry up

I bite my lip. They’re waiting for me. I look up at my sister, who’s watching me intently. Then I look back down at my phone.

**Isla** : Heidi?

**Isla** : bith is your phone dead??

I could go now. I know I’d never hear the end of it, but it’s still not too late to just get up and leave right now. I could join them at the mall. I could have a good time with my friends, just like in October before all this weird shit went down.

“What is it?” My sister asks. I have to make a decision. All I have to do is tell her I have to leave. That’s it. That’s all I have to do.

So why can’t I do it?

Why do I want to be here? I shouldn’t want to be here. Heidi hates Lydia. That’s how it is. That’s how it should be. That’s my normal. I want to go back to my normal.

So why am I hesitating?

God fucking damn it.

“One second,” I say, typing quickly.

**Isla** : Hello?? Are you safe???

**Isla** : is you dont answer I’m calling your mom

**Heidi** : Ugh Sorryyyy I’m going through important family stuff right now, but maybe next time guys?

**Isla** : Family stuff? I knew something wasn’t ok :’(

**Isla** : what’s wrong??

**Heidi** : I’ll tell you later

**Heidi** : have fun at the thing guys

I put my phone away. In fact, I completely shut it off and shove it into my bag.

“What was that?” My sister teases.

“Nothing,” I mumble, but inside I feel everything. I feel relieved. I feel ashamed. But most of all, I feel scared. What does this mean for me now?

“Well, open the thing, then,” She smiles, gesturing to the tin. 

I take a shaky breath and try to compose myself, picking it up and twisting the lid. The lid doesn’t budge. I furrow my brow and try again. Then I try putting my fingernails under the lid to pry it off. It works a little, but then it hurts so much I have to stop.

“Let me try,” she suggests, reaching out her hand. I sigh and place it in her palm, and she also tries and fails to open it.

“Huh,” she bites her cheek and looks at the tin contemplatively. “You have your knife with you, right?”

“No, I don’t,” I roll my eyes.

“What?” She gasps. “But you always have it with you when you go into the woods. What happened?”

“What happened is that I just got back from school, genius,” I bite. “I didn’t have time to grab it.”

“Uh-Huh,” She smiles with her eyelids lowered, the tin now resting in her hands. “And what were you doing trying to get here so fast?”

“Are you kidding?” I squint. “I should be asking you! What were you doing here? With my statue, no less.”

I notice her become a little frazzled by this question. She shifts her weight and averts her eyes. “Well, that’s none of your business.”

“God, you were probably reminiscing about me or some shit,” I roll my eyes, taking the canister from her hands. “Also, could you stop doing that?”

“Doing what?” She asks innocently, but knowing her she probably knows exactly what I mean.

“Acting like you know everything that goes through my head,” I complain, grunting as I once again fail to fully open the lid. “I’m not as transparent as you think.” I hand the tin back to her.

“But you are, Heidi,” she hums, trying to open the can, and I can’t tell if she means it, or if she just wants to get a reaction out of me. My jaw drops in offence at this, and when she hands me the can, I snatch it from her in annoyance.

“I am not!” I whine, feeling like a child while I struggle with the can. “Believe it or not, there are things about me that you don’t know!” I hand the can to her, but she pushes it back into my grasp.

“Oh, yeah?” She taunts, with an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah,” I glare, putting all my frustrated energy into the lid.

“Okay,” she grins. “Name one thing.”

Suddenly, I’m paralysed. Frozen with an outraged expression, because I know the one thing she doesn’t know about me. The one thing that I didn’t even know about myself before last night, and I can’t even say it. If I said it, I’d definitely win her little game, but the pure shame admitting it out loud would fill me with isn’t worth it at all.

Memories of last night flood my head again. This time, it’s one event.

When I was staring out the window, watching her, my sister, on top of Jayden. It’s got to be the alcohol, I told myself. That’s why I feel this way, but I know it’s not.

I watched her. I saw the crease in her brow, and the desperation in her kisses. I saw the way her body bent and melted into Jayden’s hold. I saw the pure, unadulterated lust in her features whenever Jayden touched her. Eyelids lowered. Fingers trembling. Lips parted. I watched the whole thing.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t that enthusiastic about having to spend the night with Holly. But after seeing that, I couldn’t take it any longer. I felt hot. I felt fluttery. I felt desperate. 

Most of all, I felt _longing_. Longing for _her_.

That’s the worst, most fucked up part. That I was made so horny by my sister. _Of course_. Of course the one person I despise, the one person who elicits such a nauseating feeling in me, my fucking blood sister, is the first person in the world to make me so damn needy for release. I swear, I’ve never been so turned on before.

And what am I supposed to do now? Now that I’ve admitted it to myself, what should I do? I can’t tell her. Not because she’d be weirded out, but because she’d actually reciprocate. I know she reciprocates. It’s fucking obvious. Who knows what we might do if she ever found out?

“You’re so fucked up,” I told her last night, but I was talking to myself really. I’m fucked up. I’m so fucked up. I shouldn’t feel this way.

“I... I don’t fucking know,” I respond with a click of my tongue as I look away, noticing how I’m much warmer than before. I can’t even look at her. I hope I’m not blushing.

“You’re really red, Heidi.” Fuck. “You seem to have an interesting secret.”

“W-Well, there you go,” I mutter in annoyance, focusing my energy again into the tin. “A secret you don’t know about.”

“Tell me,” she teases, tilting her head at me with her arms behind her back.

“Absolutely not,” I roll my eyes.

“Please?”

“I said no!” Pop! I jump as the lid of the tin goes flying behind me, and I let out an embarrassed chuckle. “Fuck.”

“All according to plan,” my sister nods proudly. “I know how much you love those. I knew if I got you mad enough you’d be able to open it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I grumble. “I’m this close to hitting you, you know.”

“Go ahead,” she taunts. “I’m not scared of being hit.”

“That’s because you probably enjoy it, you fucking...” my voice trails off as I reach into the can to find a single piece of paper. “... masochist.”

“What the fuck?” My sister whispers, coming over to stand next to me as I drop the can and unfold the single sheet inside. Once I fully open it up, I see that there’s something written in painfully familiar hand writing. I feel my stomach clench as despair grows inside.

It reads:

_ Heidi & Lydia, _

_ I’m so sorry, but I had to bury your little box somewhere else. I will not tell you where. It seemed to have some of my money inside, so I do think I am entitled to take it from you when you don’t behave. Next time, think about your actions. It is for this family’s wellbeing. _

_ Love, Mommy. _

I’ve wrinkled the paper with my grip before I can stop myself, and I have to take a big breath to calm myself down. I feel my sister watching me nervously in silence as I slowly and carefully fold the paper again and slip it into my bag.

That lying, thieving bitch. I swear to God, I’m going to end up killing her one day.


End file.
